Mutt

"puppy wants a treat? ohhh do you? yeah?" while they're shoving their steel-toed boot into your crotch and watching you whine

by the way, you should pet me. it's enriching for me, and good for you because my hair is so soft and thick and pettable.

please be creepy and gross towards me. tell about the thoughts that have been consuming you—violent or sweet—i want all of you.

my tail wags when i give you head btw <3

100% true

Hey can I just sit in your lap for a bit? No, I know you're busy.. I just want to sit here. I won't be a distraction. What? No.. I uhh... I didn't grind on you on purpose..... I was just adjusting. I'm not bouncing slightly.. what are you talking about? Anyways.. completely unrelated note, can you just call me a good boy a few times?

I'm not a well trained dog, but I can be an obedient one, for you.

It's extremely romantic to slam someone's head against a wall and anyone who says otherwise hates you