Learning to live again

“When I was in college, a teacher once said that all women live by a ‘rape schedule.’ I was baffled by the term, but as she went on to explain, I got really freaked out. Because I realized that I knew exactly what she was talking about. And you do too. Because of their constant fear of rape (conscious or not), women do things throughout the day to protect themselves. Whether it’s carrying our keys in our hands as we walk home, locking our car doors as soon as we get in, or not walking down certain streets, we take precautions. While taking precautions is certainly not a bad idea, the fact that certain things women do are so ingrained into our daily routines is truly disturbing. It’s essentially like living in a prison - all the time. We can’t assume that we’re safe anywhere: not on the streets, not in our homes. And we’re so used to feeling unsafe that we don’t even see that there’s something seriously fucked up about it”

I hate myself so fucking much and my heart is breaking and I can’t fucking do this anymore I’m done

I declared this a fight for my life when I realised my life was worth fighting for

When you feel like you would rather die than live another day with an eating disorder, know that I used to feel that way too. Search deep inside yourself for the part that wants to live

You choose it You choose it every damn day. You wake up, ask yourself the same question: is this really worth it? The answer is your breakfast. The answer is your functioning heart. The answer becomes your life. It never gets easy, but instead, simpler. And your answer gets louder. So you choose it every day until it is no longer a choice, until there is no longer a question.

It's a beautiful thing to have lungs that allow you to breathe fresh air and legs that allow you to climb mountains, and it's a shame that sometimes we don't realise that that's enough

So you are ready to end your life. You are writing out letters to the few people left you think might notice your absence. Mother. Brother. Father— maybe. And upon their completion you reach out for the dark eternal answer you believe is the only thing left that can end this awful sickness. Well I’m asking you to wait, to hold on a little longer. I need you to pay attention, listen closely, and follow these instructions: 1) Imagine a time-machine. Now climb in, belt up and switch the ignition. 2) Turn the dial to weeks, months, years from now and slam the pedal to steel. 3) Sit back and watch, as every moment you will miss if you give up now plays out on a slideshow the size of the sky– You see your high school graduation. Congratulations, you pass. For all the anxiety and doubt, in the end, you were enough. That kid who once teased you dropped out in year twelve, eventually, you forgive her, and she works for you now. There’s the summer you travel to France and learn how to dance under the 4am stars with a stranger who speaks in a foreign language but somehow understands you better than anyone else ever has. Your folks never get back together, but they don’t fight so much anymore and your brother, he survived that overdose and hasn’t touched another drug. Yeah, there are still awful nights and now and then you still cry, but the darkness no longer outnumbers the light. Like the evening one august you heard the cellos sing, or the night you watched fireworks bloom like flowers in the spring, or the early summer’s day you leapt out of an aeroplane, or the morning on your Grandfathers farm you bottle fed a baby lamb. You will see a million and one reasons why you should not die tonight. But if none of them are enough only one truly matters. Listen out for the soft cry. Yes. Someday, you create a life. A little you. With skin that smells of frosted sugar and golden moons in both her eyes— someday she will look to you with all the love there is, and you will be thankful you found the strength to survive. Beau Taplin || Reasons to survive.

“Anorexia will ruin your Christmas. It will ruin your birthday. Friend’s birthdays. Your weekly social outings. Cake day in your literature class at college. The pudding you always enjoyed after dinner in an evening. Anorexia will ruin your wedding day. The upbringing of your children. Your relationship with your partner. Anorexia will ruin your friends. Your family. Your lovers. Your children. Everyone you see.Anorexia will ruin your hair. Your nails. Your circulation. Your body. Your bones. Your love. Your trust. Your self esteem. Your happiness.Your life. But one day you'll realise you have the power to ruin Anorexia yourself. You will win. You’ll get your friends back. Your family will smile when you accept a cookie. Your teachers will laugh when you light up the room with your healthy smile. Your children will love it when Mum bakes and shares it with them. Your partner will hug you and not feel bones but curves and still think you’re just as god damned beautiful as the first day he met you. You’ll get your healthy hair back. You’ll get strong nails. You’ll be able to wear nice clothes in whatever god damned size your body wants to be. You’ll look in the mirror and fucking smile. And it might take time. And you might relapse. And that’s okay. We all need time. We don’t always succeed straight away. But trust me darling. You’ll get your life back. And it’ll be fucking worth it.” — you will beat this

“It’s hard to eat but I’ll tell you what’s harder... Watching your body wither away until nothing but star dust is left Having the the sparkle in your eyes slowly disappearing into darken sunken in eyes. To have a heart full of love be crushed down into a million pieces until it is nothing but a hollow shell.To be so weak you can barley get out of bed and when you do you crumble to the ground. To be tied to heart machines because you soul is deciding to flee. Knowing you have wasted years of going out with friends and boys you can only dream of. To be 6 feet under the ground and just becoming a distant memory And now suddenly eating doesn’t seem so hard”