hmmmm. interesting.

because then, then, then. i know. the answer is.

well. go change it then.

i knew it. i had been preparing for it, in some awful and varied ways. stockpiling up books that i read and chewed through and didnt tell her about. video games i sank time into and would mention but not expound on, unless asked. (i was never asked). In the way I had gotten used to silence at night, in all ways.

The way my own voice and touch felt better than aching for something that hadnt been present for. Months.

i knew, i knew, i knew. i always know. i feel the lift and i calculate the fall. it shouldnt surprise me.

it still does. the burn in the throat, the way it feels like a slap and then heat blooming. a twist and a tear in the navel. i skim over the good bits when i scroll through my doc because reading it feels like acid burbling up my throat.

i thought i was ready. but i watch my sister navigate dark halls in repo with an accented voice on the line and it all feels like a lonely self loathing, like a burn, like a hand on the stove, like i knew months ago and kept averting my gaze, hoping and hoping and hoping and-

(im sad and sad and will be sad. but it was happening. it was going to happen. it already did.)

There will be plenty to mourn but. i am. breathing deep.

In some ways it works like that. In the same way that you pull yourself out of a pit and there is a moment where your head breaches the ground.

But the truth is always more this- better as a crawl. Better as a march. Better as inches and inches and inches.

Better as. one good moment. one moment that feels less bad. Better as- not quite, but. Well.

Better as. I could do worse, but I won't.