Thinking into the abyss

A month or so ago I visited an... uh.. intimate friend of mine in another country. After I got home I cautiously told them, that I missed them, expecting my level of attachment would scare them off. But instead they told me they missed me too. I melted. And was stunned. Reciprocation? How did I deserve that?

Then today, on a sadder note, I set up a meeting with the guy from a previous post, to talk about how things actually panned out and where my assumptions were right or wrong. I've been doing really badly mentally recently, so I hope being able to contextualize things will help. I'm super anxious about how things will go and part of me just wants to avoid the conversation entirely... but anyways, he said he's looking forward to this evening, when I'll come over and... I don't get why he would. I mean, I assume that the evening is going to go horribly and my entire friend group will exclude me afterwards, which is an expectation he doesn't have, but even in general I don't get why he'd say that... it's just gonna make everything harder..

Was having a bad day (so like most days..) already, but the worst inner side of me showed itself earlier..

Was meeting with my bestie [B], their ex gf/now fwb [W] and another friend [F], who is very attractive.

B used to be (likely still is but doesn't act on it) into F. So did I (still kinda am), but never really actively pursued anything, because I was unsure in which way I found him attractive exactly. Since I'm absolutely weird with relationships, I kinda saw B as 'more in the right' to pursue F, since they knew him first and even introduced me to him.

Eventually they confessed to F, however he was not interested in being in a relationship with them. We still all hung out.

At some point, while we were hanging out alone, F asked me, if I would be interested in an fwb situation. Initially I said yes, because I find them sexually attractive, however after thinking about it a bit, I declined it, before we acted on it.

He was actively on dating apps while I was around, which made me more jealous than I honestly want to be. Especially due to my assumption that he is looking for a monogamous relationship, which he, from the way he suggested a sexual relationship, wouldn't want with me, nor would I be able to be happy in.

I previously was in a fwb situation with a good friend, developed feelings for them, confessed after bottling it up for far too long and tried to emotionally distance myself a bit, since I still really liked them as a friend. However about a month later they got into a new relationship and we stopped hanging out. As I found out two years later, after that relationship ended, they were actually avoiding me, since their new partner was uncomfortable with them continuing a friendship with someone they slept with before (or who developed feelings for them, we didn't get that deep into it). That still kinda hurts and has left me with an increased fear of being replaced by others/just being a placeholder until someone better comes along. At least that's how I justify it to myself.

Back to meeting with B, W and F today.

From their interactions it is quite clear to me, that F and W have also begun some kind of relationship, I don't know which specific kind.

Not only am I jealous, that B and W have continued such a good relationship after their romantic involvement ended, since I don't really have contact with any of my exes aside from one, which is a story in itself. But also I am jealous, that B and F have a relationship that I wish I could have had with him.

Most confusingly of all though, I am jealous of W, about how I assume that she is not bothered by my assumption of F wanting a monogamous relationship. Hey, maybe I'm wrong and actually F also is interested in some form of open relationship, in which case I feel terrible about it, since I never bothered to figure out, which kind of relationship he even wanted in the end. Or maybe they are in a mono/poly relationship and F is fine with W having other partners, in which case I'm just jealous, that he considered her for a relationship and not me, which is also shitty.

I'll have to admit, that I never really liked W, so maybe that plays into it... which however brings me to a bit of, well, maybe not hypocrisy, but something I find ironic.

B once questioned, why I am still in contact with the one ex I'm, well, still in contact with, but now even is fwbs with their ex. Hey, maybe it's because they had cats together, so had an external reason to stay in contact, what do I know.

On another note, I really question my friend- and other relationships, because it very often feels, like I am the one to contact others first and don't even get asked to come along for stuff, if it's not being discussed in a group chat (of a friend group B, W and F are not involved with). Maybe I am also super needy though and people don't message me, because they assume I will message them, or I do it often enough for them not to reach to point where they consider reaching out.

So, hey, I guess my problem currently is, that I feel very replaceable/forgettable/left out, others aren't acting in a way that makes me feel otherwise (which is not their fault in any way, especially if I do not communicate my needs to them) and I'm envious of my perception of others, that they don't feel that way.

I need to clean my room

I think the laundry machine finished its cycle

I've got to finish this project I need to be done by a certain point

I could start doing my taxes so I don't have to rush them like last year

Hopefully this helps some.

But I was the hinge in that situation. The friend whose friends the other friends were meeting. The one everyone knew. The person who should break the ice.

But no, instead I was intimidated by my friends getting along with my other friends they just got introduced to..

However my friends got along better among each other despite just having met, than I feel I get along with the groups separately, despite having known some of them for years. Maybe they're just better at quickly getting along with new people. And.. I'm jealous about that.

Also someone else I've not met before joined at some point and one of my friends got to talking with another group, so at some point the amount of people got kinda overwhelming. I guess I'm best in groups of four or less...

This has had me in a bad mood since yesterday evening and I feel really shitty about it... why am I such a needlessly jealous, socially inept, stupid piece of shit?

On the one hand I'm not big on monogamous romantic/sexual relationships. On the other I find it really uncomfortable to find out, that people I'm interested in are also involved with others.

I.e. sent someone I've been flirting with for years now a picture of me in bondage, obviously something someone else would've done like it's no big deal. The same person sends me a picture of them in bondage where obviously someone else would've needed to do it and now my day is... well, not ruined, but directly after waking up my mood's like 15% worse already.

Similar thing even for the person I call my best friend, when I find out they talked about stuff or planned things with others, even if I know full well I never expressed interest in an activity, or even expressed explicit discomfort in talking about a topic.

Now get ready for Affirmation Sensitive Dysphoria!

"I don't agree with your choice" - "Well fuck you and everything you stand for, I'll still do it"

And while everyone at my current job agrees, that conditions aren't ideal, I mean we had 4 people quit or be fired this year alone.