thoughtscour

If not now, when?

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

No more half measures!

I've been saying over and over and over, that I'll quit drinking but I never meant it because I don't just want to quit drinking, and I don't want to just quit smoking, or eating like shit, or not exercising or practicing good habits and hobbies.

I want to do it ALL. I want to be a better person and quitting drinking but continuing to smoke and otherwise treat my body like shit doesn't accomplish anything.

I am mission oriented. It's time to have it all!

Neither of those things are wrong, and neither are they the full solution for how to operate in the world. It just so happens that 50% of people are born with an innate ability to view and manipulate the world in one way, and 50% are born with the other.

But today, and to be honest, as long as Humanity has existed, this is been a thing, humans transcended. Women warriors, male homemakers, those aren't titles that anyone can or should find all that weird.

But those titles don't disallow the idea that a woman warrior is a special thing, or a male mom is a special thing. There are things to be cherished, thanks to be celebrated, but that doesn't make them the norm. And I feel like we're arguing that everyone is normal when we're not anymore. Everyone is special!

It will cut through wood like butter.

You know, the grass is always greener

If there's one thing I'm exceptional at, it's maintaining cognitive dissonance. I'm a gifted liar, and in my teens I was a decent actor. I'm good at arguments and conflict resolution because I'm quite good at holding two positions or points of view in my mind simultaneously.

But I won't break. I can't. For your sake, and mine. I will always love you so much. But for our sake, whenever I think of it, I will do my best to ignore it.

Goodbye, again, a thousand times already, a thousand times again in the future.

This will be a post with a lot of generalizations.

So that theory could be true, without necessarily invalidating the following one. I think it has to do with the first boyfriend or girlfriend a person has. When a young man hurts the first girlfriend and she leaves him because of it, he looks back at that relationship and feels guilty. He wants to fix it but he can’t anymore. So he’s subconsciously tied to the idea of finding a way to reconcile without the ability to actually do so. So he seeks out younger women because they offer an opportunity to make things right. A redo.

I think those young women on the other hand, see the same situation and want to move forward, to avoid the things that have already happened to them. So they seek out older men, more mature men in the (subconscious) hope that they have already fixed the things about themselves that young men haven’t had the opportunity or the time to fix.

I think part of my case here is that you often hear young women say “I don’t like boys my age. They’re so immature.” But you never hear young man say that.

On the flip side, you often hear young men say that they’re still in love with an ex-girlfriend, even if they haven’t been in contact with that woman for a very long time. But you never hear young women say that.

I know that in my life, I feel incredibly guilty about past relationships. And I wish I could go back and fix them. I wish I could call up my exes and apologize to them, but I know that doesn’t fix the things I did.