My mind

My heart bleeds, aches and trembles.

Contradictions, clashing, slamming and breaking.

My head a lone attic dusted with withered expectations.

Bones, shaking with the broken exhalations of my perpetrated lungs.

Gasping for air.

Drowning in tears.

Tell me, how many times can a heart break before it is dead?

How many times can I handle the hurt without snapping in half?

Words, needing to explain.

A mouth, unable to speak.

No ears, who will listen.

A lonesome soul, swaying in her room.

A body, broken inside.

The skin, just a sack of bones.

The caring one, who felt too much.

The caring one, who wished to feel nothing at all.

Out of existence.

Yet still in this world.

Why is it so hard for you to give?

What am I?

Not attractive enough?

Not a woman enough?

Why do I not deserve the same?

I no longer feel like a woman. 

I have failed to please you, and thus feel like I have failed in the one thing that I was good at.

It makes me wonder if I have ever been able to actually please you. To satisfy you. 

I don’t have much to offer, barely anything at all, but I had that one thing. That one thing that made all the men weak to their knees, literally. And yet, last night I failed.

I don’t have a great body. I have no breasts, no butt. I’m thin, and not even pretty. I didn’t have much to give you to begin with, but I had that one thing. And now? I don’t even have that anymore.

There’s no way you’ll ever expect me to be able to do it again.

I, who is afraid of failure, has failed.

I’m ashamed to my bones. 

I hope you can ever have faith that I can do it again, because I do not.

Crying

Sometimes you just have to water your plants to help them grow.

I am chained to your past while we’re living in the present. Well, I live in the present, anyway. You, however, can’t seem to let go of everyone you’ve been with in the past. Reminisce on all the things you’ve done that I would have rather have never heard about at all.

You want to know why? Because with every person you’ve shared a history with and tell me about, makes me feel more and more like a number. Makes me feel more like everything we done has already been done so many times before me. It’s just a repetition for you, whilst it’s heaven for me.

How is that fair?

Every word you say to me, has already been said to so many before me. Every touch we share, has already been shared so many times before me.

And I want to make peace with your past. Accept that you’ve lived your life. But I can’t accept it and move on if you keep me chained there.

Keep dragging me into every experience you’ve had against my will.

I don’t want to live there.

I want to live here. With you. Where it is just you and me.

But somehow you can’t escape your past.

And though I don’t regret deciding to continue with you, it does make me question my decision sometimes. Because it makes me feel miserable.

Miserable to be a number.

Miserable to feel so unimportant.

I wish you could forget and move on.

So I can do too.

And I wonder how much longer I will keep letting you hurt me until I am finally able to say: “I’ve had enough, and I will no longer accept this.” And mean it.

I am honestly afraid to be with you for a long period of time. Because so far there has never been an entire day I’ve spent with you, where you haven’t said anything that didn’t emotionally hurt me.

Either you’ll talk about other girls -  although, to be fair, you became more attentive of it when I mentioned it bothered me - or make any other kind of mention that is plainly just not fair to me.

You say you’re busy, and you are, but you also say you have no time, but you do. There is time where you work, and you are indeed unavailable, but there are also a few hours where you’ve got time, and you are very much available. Yet never for me. 

You hang out with other friends at these times, but cancel every other plan I try to make with you. 

The only time we talk is when I text you first, and when I decide to stop doing so, it takes you almost two days to hit me up. So far, we didn’t hang out for a week, until I couldn’t resist and hit you up. But I honestly wonder how long you could do without seeing me. Two weeks? A month? Three months? For the rest of your life? Because it sure as heck does sound like you could.

I miss your effort. If anything else, it’s the lack of effort that hurts me the most.

Where is the guy that used to hit me up at least three times a week to see me? Who not only texted me first multiple times, but also was always so attentive, wishing me luck with tough situations, and sending a message of hope and joy when things were better.

You were more my boyfriend when you weren’t than when you are now. 

Where is the man that I fell so desperately in love with? The one who could look at me for hours, and still had to look again the next day because there was always something new for you to discover? 

Where is the man that could never do without touching me, in whatever way? Why is it that all there remains is a lingering ghost of the past? 

I love you, I truly do, and I would give anything to make this relationship work. In fact, I’ve already given so much to still keep us standing.

But that is my problem. 

Maybe that’s why you stopped putting in effort. Because you don’t have to - I’m carrying us just fine. 

But no longer.

I want us to work. Oh, how desperately I wish to grow old with you. 

But I am so tired. Of putting up with all this hurt, with all this burden to carry. With all the responsibility to keep us from drowning.

I can only light a candle so many times before it burns out. 

And there are only so many times I can make you come back to me, where I fall on my knees as I dig myself into the ground, begging for your presence in my life, as if you’re some holy saint.

Oh my, how tough it is to have a good heart. 

I just miss things, you know?

I just miss us.

The strolls through the city, where you kissed me by the faint street lights, as we both escaped the world around us as we found each other in our embrace.

Where we would explore our new future together, holding hands, embracing, and experiencing new adventures with a wild love in our hearts. An understanding and acceptance for one another that was deeper than I had ever felt.

I reach my hand out for you, but I do not know if it will be in vain, for I already feel you slip away.

Yet I hope you will return to me. To hold me close as you did before, the embrace that held me so tight, as if all you ever feared was losing me. 

But until then, I will try to say goodbye.

With every passing day, where your presence slips away more and more, I will use that to broaden the distance between us. 

Until one day, I can be just like you.

I can say goodbye, without loving you.

Sometimes I really wish I was a petty person.

That I could confront you and say: “why do you make time for others and not for me.” I mean, it’s the truth, that’s what worse. In my opinion this wouldn’t be petty at all, since it’s just facts, and I’m not exaggerating things.

You’re very busy with your deadline, I know that. And you work almost all of the time, I know that.

Yet, how come you’ve managed to hang out with three people for longer periods of time, whilst you keep pushing your girlfriend away saying you really can’t spend time at all?

I want us to work out so bad, but it’s like you really don’t care at all.

And I hope that throughout all the hurt you bring me along the way, I’ll be strong enough one day to draw the line, and break it all off.

I deserve so much better.

The text message I wish I could send to him, but I can’t. (Erased the names due to privacy reasons):

Dear ....,

You’re taking your distance, and in the meantime I can participate in something called this fun waiting game. Although, mind you, I’d like to speak to the company who created that game so I can sue them, because the waiting game is anything but fun.

In fact, it’s downright frustrating. Unable to do anything but hope and pray (yes, literally, you read that right) that you’ll make a decision for yourself that you can support a hundred percent.

It’s incredibly hard to just sit around waiting, whilst all I do is miss you like crazy, am slowly losing my mind because I have no clue on what your decision is going to be, and also have the most outrageous mood swings that a teenager just hitting puberty would be jealous of.

Honestly, my heart and mind can’t decide whether to get over you, and accept the heart break, or to keep holding on just long enough until I hear from you. And so instead of letting me feel one or the other, it decides to constantly switch between those two. Alternating honestly every hour.

Yet, in my greatest frustrations, and with a broken heart (that is desperately trying to stay whole), there is nothing I hope more than you doing okay.

I know this must be awfully timed with your work and all. I know that it is for me, at least. And I understand that it must be difficult to balance the decision making with your work. I mean, I don’t know how you feel, of course, but I can imagine that it can add some stress on everything.

Normally I’d apologise, but I won’t. It’s not exactly my fault, and it’s not like either of us really wanted to deal with... whatever this is.

Did you know, by the way, that memories can be connected to literally everything you do? I found out the hard way.

So far I can’t even take two steps inside my house without a million memories crashing down on me. Can’t take a single glance around outside, because every little thing makes me recall a memory associated with whatever I see.

That’s the best and worst thing about memories, I suppose. Getting to treasure little bits you once shared with someone, even if they’re not there with you anymore, but at the same time being crushed by them, *because* they’re not with you anymore.

Honestly, I don’t have that more to say. In fact, I didn’t really have anything to say to begin with. It’s just that all I wanted to do was call you, hear your voice, hear your laughter, but knew that was impossible.

And so I wanted to send you a text message, but knew I shouldn’t. You asked for distance, and all I can do is respect that.

Which leaves me with what I’m doing right now: typing out this pointless message whilst staring at our chat, tempted by the blue arrow to hit send and share you in the misery I feel as I am waiting for you.

But, at the end of this day, this message will have been left unsend, with you falling asleep having no clue at the words I’ve been dying to tell you. Having no idea that at this current moment, on Sunday 08th of July 2018, at 04:23 PM, that I am typing out this message, one that will soon be deleted word by word as I am the one who will be the only one with the memory of it.

Peculiar, isn’t it? Just like how you have no idea that I’m typing this right now, or that I spend my days crying as I try to get over a breakup that hasn’t even happened yet, how it follows me in my dreams and turn them into nightmares, waking me with an ache in my chest that convinces me that I can’t get through another day like this, I also do not know what you might be thinking right now.

Have you even considered our relationship at all this past week since we had distance? Or did you use it to properly work without distractions?

Have you spend your nights and mornings thinking about me, restless whenever I popped into your mind? Did it hurt whenever you thought about breaking up with me? About me exiting your life? Or did you feel nothing but peace? Did you have a longing to stay with me, or perhaps... did I not even pop into your mind at all?

I truly never know when something means enough to you for you to care and fight for it. To love and treasure it. To be afraid of losing it, because it brings you so much peace and joy in life. All I know is I have a feeling I’ll never be that for you. Someone truly worth going the extra mile for.

And my heart honestly goes out for you. For there must have been something that happened that made you hold back on this. And I sincerely hope, that if you do not plan on spending your future with me anymore, that you can make this change within yourself, to not doubt the next woman in your life as you have done with me. It’s horrible for both parties.

Well, shit, now that we reached that point of the woman after me, I truly think we should wrap it up here. I don’t even want to imagine anyone getting to spend the future with you that I so desperately wish I could.

I think this is all the pain my heart can take for today.

.......,

I love you. I pray for you, and I hope that you’re better off than me right now. Although, knowing you, I think you are. Which is good. Keep it that way.

Love,

....

Write your own story, they say

as they take your pen away

Be who you want to be, they say

as they tell you who you should be

Be as free as you want to be, they say

as long as you listen to us when we tell you what to do

Make sure you stand strong as a tree, they say

but not so strong that we can’t tear you down

Be sure to love fiercely, they say

but not too much or we’ll run away

Make sure you care, they say

but just so you’ll know, we’ll never do the same.

I don’t even know why. But for some reason you never want to really kiss me anymore, no longer will you find my sweet spots that you know will make me weak, or neither will you simply even hold my hand anymore.

And trust me, I know that the longer you know someone, the longer you’ve had the chance to connect, the lesser this intimacy becomes, but seriously, never even do it at all again anymore? That’s just rubbish.

Because guess what, I do still crave that. And I don’t know about you, but I still want that. Is it you’re no longer interested now that you have me? Am I not attractive to you anymore?

I mean, I know you got personal issues regarding sexual intimacy, but man, make up your mind already. Either you want me, or you don’t, but don’t leave me constantly guessing.

Even worse is how you’ll never make a move on me anymore, how you barely even take time to meet up with me, but when you do take the day for me, man, I hate to admit, but I’m scared. Because every time we do it gets ruined for me because you keep talking about other girls.

And I don’t mean to be that obsessive girlfriend, but damn, didn’t know you had such a lack of manners. 

I constantly feel like you’re on the upper hand, playing me whatever way you feel like at that moment, and I, trying my best to give you a chance, am a fool dancing on your strings.

I want to talk to you about this. Very bad. But everytime I even bring it up, you never really give an answer. You just brush it off. Honestly, I love you, but I don’t know how I can do a relationship like this. 

Neither do I want to ask to talk anymore. We’ve been doing that a lot. You must think I’m nagging.

I’m not quite sure whether it’s the way you instinctively grab me close when I wander too far off, or whether it’s the way your hands caress my skin so gently in just the right way, or the way you seem to understand me without needing to even listen to what I say, that has got me utterly swept away by you.

Or perhaps it’s the way you hold me close, pulling me in so tight that I no longer know whether I am the one giving or receiving the love, because the warmth we share is endless.

Maybe it’s not only just your touch, that has my mind raging for days on end, but also the way you look at me, like the person I am is just right for you, for me, and for this world.

The complete acceptance, comfort, love, and care, though, seem to round it all up. Because when you hold me close, I am so very thankful that you’re gripping on me so tight, for I am sure that I would otherwise, have officially, completely fallen for you.

“Losing you isn’t what hurt, it was knowing that losing me didn’t hurt you.” - Selicia Ramirez

The thing is, I know you care about me, I know you enjoy spending your time with me, and I know you like me, but it all feels so much like a friendship more than a relationship.

I’ve always felt like this, and lately I feel it even stronger: that you won’t be upset if you were to lose me.

For all I know, you’d be like: “oh, bummer” and then move on just like that. I don’t feel like I’m worth something deeper to you, or that you actually really want to have me in your life.

And the thing is, I do care. I really do fucking care about that. I’d be devistated if I were to lose you now. And that is what makes this all so painful. To know the one you care about the most, doesn’t care the same for you.

There would be no difference with me in your life or without me in it.

And sometimes I really do wonder, even though you have been nothing but honest and open with me, I can’t help but feel this underlying air of secrecy every time we communicate.

It’s obvious by now that you’re not very open about your personal life to anyone. Sure, you’ll share things from the past, maybe give a little too much information sometimes, but I’ve noticed that when it comes to the present... you don’t speak about it much.

And maybe I just have too many trust issues. Maybe I’ve been screwed over too many times, making me question things too quickly.

Or maybe I just don’t always understand. Like how you seem so willing to be with me after all the doubt, but now that we are, I feel like you’re not that proud to be with me.

Either that, or there is another more concerning reason as to why you don’t introduce me to people as your girlfriend. Refuse to act out on your feelings for me near people you know.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect you to be all over me, but man, not even touch me?

Am I wrong for doubting... should I give it more time? And how far into the relationship is it okay to start questioning you on this?

People always say to stop focusing on the past, and to start focusing on the present. Though I stand 90% behind that, I am also a 10% convinced that we should look back at our past once in a while, but only to get our lessons from it, and to take some joyful moments from it.

Because not everything from the past has to be negative, and believe it or not, most of it won’t be either. By simply looking back at the past with a positive attitude, we can improve our present happiness.

It’s for this reason I made a very simple and fun exercise to do, and one I’ll be sharing my own take on my past with as well:

1. Take one year or multiple years to look back on. (For this example we’ll use 2016)

2. Write down all of your best moments of 2016 (try to see if you have a planner laying around somewhere from this year, or maybe use your phone if you use the planner on there. It’ll help a lot to refresh your memory, before you start making claims there was nothing positive there)

3. Compare all your best moments to the exact same day of a year before (or even a year after if you use multiple years) 

This exercise is meant to show you how much can happen in a single year. How one day you’re living a very casual and uneventful day, and the next year that day somehow gets meaning. 

Here’s a bit of a look on my past. My apologies if it might be a bit TMI, but then again, I don’t want to exclude any great moments of my life. I’ll be comparing the years 2016-2018. 

It’ll be very long, so, for anyone who is not interested, I suggest to stop reading right now.

BEST MOMENTS OF 2016

30-08-2016: Starting nursing education (and thus meeting two of my best friends at the moment)

[What I did 30-08-2017: hanging out with a ‘lover’]

07-09-2016: Tryout class classical ballet (and thus discovering my greatest passion)

[What I did 07-09-2017: posing for a ‘lover’ who sculpted me]

20-11-2016: Getting out of a relationship that wasn’t any good for me

[What I did 20-11-2017: having a private ballet class, and a group ballet class]

14-12-2016: Losing my virginity

[What I did 14-12-2017: getting physiotherapy]

BEST MOMENTS OF 2017

12-01-2017: Deciding to quit my nursing education 

[What I did 12-01-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 12-01-2018: absolutely nothing]

14-01-2017: Going to a professional dance school to watch my ballet teacher give his classes

[What I did 14-01-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 14-01-2018: going to the cinema by myself]

20-01-2017: Tryout singing class

[What I did 20-01-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 20-01-2018: going to the cinema by myself]

24-01-2018 Tryout modern dance and jazz

[What I did 24-01-2016: hanging out with my now ex-boyfriend

What I did 24-01-2018: going with ‘lover’ to the city, and having my ballet group classes]

27-02-2017: Going to a dance performance of my ballet teacher

[What I did 27-02-2016: hanging out with my now ex-boyfriend

What I did 27-02-2018: going to the gym]

04-03-2017: Doing an audition for an amateur dance school (and deciding to not go there)

[What I did 04-03-2016: absolutely nothing]

What I did 04-03-2018: going to the gym, having a mindful yoga class]

18-03-2017: Getting my first pair of pointe shoes

[What I did 18-03-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 18-03-2018: having a mindful yoga class]

02-04-2017: Tryout mindful yoga 

[What I did 02-04-2016: hanging out with my now ex-boyfriend

What I did 02-04-2018: going to the gym, having a private ballet class and group ballet class]

13-04-2017: Starting therapy (for perfectionism and fear of failure)

[What I did 13-04-2016: going to the dentist

What I did 13-04-2018: going to the gym, having singing class]

24-04-2017 & 25-04-2017: Filming a music video for modern dance

[What I did 24-04-2016 & 25-04-2016: sleepover with my now ex-boyfriend on both days

What I did 24-04-2018 & 25-04-2018: teaching ballet classes (24-04), going to the gym and having ballet group classes (25-04)]

26-05-2017: Going swimming with one of my best friends from nursing school

[What I did 26-05-2016: absolutely nothing]

27-05-2017: Filming a music video for rock band which choreography was directed by my ballet teacher and I assisted with

What I did 27-05-2016: hanging out with my now ex-boyfriend]

14-07-2017 & 15-07-2017: Dance performance modern dance & jazz

[What I did 14-07-2016 & 15-07-2016: sleepover with my now ex-boyfriend (14-07), and nothing (15-07)]

11-08-2017: Going to the gym with my ‘lover’

[What I did 11-08-2016: hanging out with my now ex-boyfriend]

16-08-2017: Going to the cinema with my ‘lover’ and having a great night at his atelier

[What I did 16-08-2016: absolutely nothing]

28-08-2017: My brother moving out (giving me more freedom)

[What I did 28-08-2016: absolutely nothing]

02-09-2017: Posing for a sculpture my ‘lover’ made of my face

[What I did 02-09-2016: hanging out with my now ex-boyfriend]

15-09-2017: Going swimming with ‘lover’

[What I did 15-09-2016: hanging out with my now ex-boyfriend]

04-10-2017: Starting new job where I bring around the morning papers

[What I did 04-10-2016: absolutely nothing]

02-11-2017: Quitting job that I just mentioned

[What I did 02-11-2016: having ballet group class]

03-11-2017 & 04-11-2017: Hotel with my ‘lover’ 

[What I did 03-11-2016 & 04-11-2016: internship at a nursing home (03-11) & private ballet class (04-11)]

07-11-2017: Getting a job as a part-time ballet teacher 

[What I did 07-11-2016: having a private ballet class]

25-11-2017: Real Human Bodies Exhibition with ‘lover’

[What I did 25-11-2016: absolutely nothing]

30-11-2017: Getting physiotherapy (groin injury from ballet)

[What I did 30-11-2016: having a ballet group class]

16-12-2017: Going to the cinema with ‘lover’ and two of his brothers

[What I did 16-12-2016: absolutely nothing]

25-12-2017: Going on a Christmas walk with ‘lover’ 

[What I did 25-12-2016: absolutely nothing]

26-12-2017: Watching performance of Swan Lake in theatre 

[What I did 26-12-2016: absolutely nothing]

30-12-2017: Getting new pointe shoes with my ‘lover’

[What I did 30-12-2016: absolutely nothing]

31-12-2017: Celebrating New Year’s Eve with ‘lover’ at his friend’s house

[What I did 31-12-2016: absolutely nothing]

BEST MOMENTS OF 2018

03-01-2018: Going rock climbing with one of my best friends from nursing school

[What I did 03-01-2016: sleepover with my now ex-boyfriend

What I did 03-01-2017: absolutely nothing]

25-01-2018: Signed up at the gym

[What I did 25-01-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 25-01-2017: ballet group class]

28-01-2018: Seeing Maze Runner: The Death Cure in the cinema with one of my best friends from nursing school

[What I did 28-01-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 28-01-2017: absolutely nothing]

24-02-2018: Going to an Open House of the National Opera & Ballet school with ‘lover’

[What I did 24-02-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 24-02-2017: absolutely nothing]

03-03-2018: Hanging out with a friend from modern dance

[What I did 03-03-2016: sleepover with my now ex-boyfriend

What I did 03-03-2017: having singing class]

17-03-2018: Helping my ‘lover’ clean his atelier (and having a blast doing so)

[What I did 17-03-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 17-03-2017: having singing class]

23-03-2018 & 24-03-2018: Sleepover at one of my best friends’ house from nursing school

[What I did 23-03-2016 & 24-03-2016: absolutely nothing both days

What I did 23-03-2017 & 24-03-2017: private ballet classes (23-03) and absolutely nothing (24-03)]

01-04-2018: Going to a Chad Lawson concert with a friend from ballet class

[What I did 01-04-2016: hanging out with my now ex-boyfriend

What I did 01-04-2016: absolutely nothing]

07-04-2018: Going on a date with brother of the friend from ballet

[What I did 07-04-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 07-04-2017: absolutely nothing]

07-04-2018: Celebrating ‘lover’s’ birthday at his parents’ house

[What I did 07-04-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 07-04-2017: absolutely nothing]

14-04-2018 - 16-04-2018: Going to Cambridge 

[What I did 14-04-2016 - 16-04-2016: absolutely nothing (14-04), going to hairdresser (15-04), hanging out with my now ex-boyfriend (16-04)

What I did 14-4-2017 - 16-04-2017: having singing class (14-04-), absolutely nothing (15-04), absolutely nothing (16-04)]

20-04-2018: Getting into a relationship with my ‘lover’ 

[What I did 20-04-2016: hanging out with my now ex-boyfriend

What I did 20-04-2017: absolutely nothing]

04-05-2018: Going to trampoline park with friend from ballet and her brother

[What I did 04-05-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 04-05-2017: therapy and having private ballet classes]

06-05-2018: Having a picnic with my two best friends from nursing school

[What I did 06-05-2016: absolutely nothing

What I did 06-05-2017: absolutely nothing]

CONCLUSION

It’s very interesting to see how my life was different every single year, and how my life has definitely gotten more interesting over the years. (Seriously, 2016 was a very boring year). 

It also shows what I treasure most in life (health, ballet, and friendships), and it’s even funnier to see something that I labeled as ‘best moment of the year’ for example in 2017, is now something that’s very normal to me in 2018.