I need help, but nothing this world, it seems, will ever be able to provide. Glandular fever & insomnia do not go well together. Diabetes & fear do not go well together. = exhaustive nausea. An antidepressant finally seems to work after many tried. Yes I still feel pain when I see my team & feel hopeless and lost, but it's not a consuming fire constantly, only periodically. I can have tears from thinking, which may be an effect of tiredness, but compared to three years ago where I couldn't cry, even if I wanted to, it's a drastically improved change. PTL (peace, truth, love - praise the Lord)! I still don't know where I am with God... I feel like I'm in an enormous battle; a fight for life in death... Where I want death but I want life at the same time but it's an equal level of skills in the fight. I think the same may go with God too... I want Him but my heart is hurt by the lack of visibility in rewards/human completion in obeying His commands that I don't know if I can continue wanting to seek Him out if it only means further pain... The same goes with family and my yard stick. I'm realizing, that I think, for my whole life - or maybe it's only the last few years, that I've placed a yard stick around everyone I know... Expecting disappointment, rejection or pain caused from them. Watching the Louden family talk about the grief they feel from their family having broken bones in their elder age, it's made me realise that I probably wouldn't feel grief... Just an emptiness that I'd add to my pile and an attitude of 'That's life, GET OVER IT (self company applied only).
