Thoughts in the Fig Tree

THANK YOU AUGHSJKH permission granted to eat them btw

here's the reference I used I just realized I forgot to link them

The soldier and the monarch 

He stepped softly into the dim room, his breath adding to the three others. The two guards stayed silent as he kneeled before the throne. 

“My liege,” He said with reverence, “I think i shall go to back to my quarters now. I seem to be needed no longer.”

“So soon? But you are not sleepy! You are not falling down yet! Of course i cannot let you do that, when i can see from your physical form there is more work left to do!”

“but, m’lord, i’ve been drained more than usual today and i believe i can serve you better tomorrow and i don’t want to work more today please don’t make me please be merciful my lord please-“

“Enough. I cannot let you go. Your tasks haven’t been-“ The ruler coughed into their handkerchief with painful, racking heaves. One of the four breaths in the room turned more laboured. “..completed.”

“But m’lord!” Suddenly, he rushed forward, at the thrones side. the guards didn’t move quick enough to stop him. Hand on his rulers back, he knelt carefully once more, at eye level with the figure on the throne. “My lord, can’t you see? it takes your life force for me. You are required to give up your energy to keep me going. why don’t you and i both rest? It has taken a toll on you, my lord.”

With genuine concern in his manner, he gently wiped the beginnings of tears from the monarch’s eyes. 

“Worry not about my life force, soldier. Kneel before me, get back on the-“ another cough, “ground.”

Stung by the rejection, he knelt. 

“My lord, if you won’t do it for my sake, how about for my own. i can’t keep going today. Please.” Eyes downcast, he dared not hope. 

“alright. i concede. you may go. although,” a thoughtful pause. “I am disappointed.”

“i promise i’ll do better tomorrow, m’lord.” 

He walked off downcast, unable to enjoy his early rest. The approval of the lord was all he sought, but alas, nothing he ever did garnered it.

That’s what is so alluring about them. He thought as he walked his lonely path. That’s what makes me so irresistibly drawn to that dear monarch of mine. i just can’t figure them out. Maybe someday, someday I will. But not today, so i’ll keep working on it still.

______________

hope you enjoyed! Sometimes I like to make sense of my brain by pretending that my brain is like a ruler and a servant, sort of in a relationship that harms both of them. The ruler needs to give away their energy to keep the servant alive, but being alive hurts the servant. But the ruler wants the servant to keep working

idk if that makes any sense lmao

but I kinda went of the rails of that original idea into a story idea so here is what I wrote yesterday. Really debating wether I want to tag people in this or not.

The soldier and the monarch

He walked into the throne room again, soft footsteps padding on the stone floor and soft breathing adding to the harmony of the three others. He knelt at the base of the steps leading up to the throne. 

“You sent for me, m’lord?” He worked hard to keep his voice neutral, but the hope filling him to the brim was threatening to spill out and weave itself into his voice. 

The monarch took a long, heavy breath before they spoke. 

“You, “ they broke off into a fit of coughing. The soldier started forward, his handekerchief readily offered, but a single hand from the monarch was enough to hold him back. The guards didn’t move. They hadn’t needed to. In all of the soldier’s visits to the throne room, his respect for the monarch was enough to trust him not to cause any harm. 

The monarch cleared their throat. 

“You are dismissed from your duties for the day, soldier.” They leaned back in their throne, exhausted from the labour of speaking. 

Stinking shame of relief crashed about the soldier’s ears. No… he tried to tell himself. I -I shouldn’t be relieved. I WANT to serve my lord, I want to help, I want to work… 

But even in his thoughts he stuttered. It was no secret that the soldier was tired. Barely having dragged himself out of bed this morning, he only lasted 4 hours before the day was taken over by constant yawns . So yes, as much as he was loathe to admit it, the soldier was relieved.

“It has… taken a greater toll on me than expected… to— to give you my energy today. So I must let you go early.”

They said. 

Another wave of the self hatred washed over him. I love my monarch. I shouldn’t feel happy that they can’t sustain me and have to let me go. Is it… so bad to not want to work so restlessly? The answer came to him within an instant. Yes. Yes it is. The monarch needed him, they relied on him. How could he let them down? 

“I understand my liege. I truly-“ The soldier broke off, swallowing down tears of concern. “Truly hope you feel better.”

He stayed kneeling for a few moments, listening to nothing but his ruler’s breathing, disregarding the guards. Or maybe the soldier never really considered them anyways. He should have been dismissed by now. Surely, there was nothing more the ruler wanted, but as propriety and morality suggests, he was to stay there until official dismissal. And he was more than happy to oblige. 

“I have one last question for you.” 

“Yes, my liege?” He took his tear shined eyes off the intricately tiled floor to look up at his weakened ruler. 

“What did you promise me yesterday? What did you tell me you were going to do? Repeat it. Indulge me.”

Imperceptibly, his face fell. 

“I said that- I said that I was going to do better today than yesterday. I promised you.”

“And did you?” The ruler asked, the pure dismay in their voice hiding behind a mask neutrality. 

“No, my lord. I did not. I am so, so, so sorry.” 

“Ah. So you noticed that too.”

“I tried my lord I really did I promise I tried I tried so hard today I wanted to do better my lord I really did and I tried so hard I don’t why nothing came of it please believe me I tried I tried-“

“That’s enough out of you. Remember this conversation. You may go.”

The soldier and the monarch 

He stopped in front of the elaborately carved doors, palms resting jsut above the handles. He clicked his nails against the colorful pieces of enamel embedded in the wood. Click click click click click. Sighing, he straightened his back, took yet another deep breath, and he pushed the doors open to walk into the dark throne room. 

The rhythm of his breathing joined that of the three others’ as he knelt before the staircase leading up to the throne. The guards were, once more, statues for purely intimidation and decoration. He didn’t need them. The knowledge of the monarch was pressure enough. 

“My liege.” It was a statement that he said, an awknowledhemrnt of fact. Although his voice was even, the line of his breathing made sure no one in the room was fooled. 

“Where were you.” The monarch responded in kind. “We haven’t spoken for FOUR DAYS. Four days, soldier. I let you off early one time and you think that this type of behaivior is ACCEPTSBLE?!? I always knew you to be a slacker but just when, just when, you were FINALLY on the point of improvement, you disappear for 4 days.”

He didn’t respond. At least, not right away. 

“You thought that I was improving?” He said, voice shaking.For the first time in 4 days he dared to look up into the monarch’s raging eyes. “Did you, m’lord, really?”

“I see that I was wrong. You are just as pathetic and useless as the day you began, and do you understand how much it utterly pains me to be obliged to rely on you, to be doomed to use you, something so far below mediocre. It’s huminilisting and honestly, it’s hurtful to me.”

The soldier slumped again. How could he let himself have hoped that the monarch believed in him, or had at some point? They didn’t. He didn’t have their approval,  but he would. He’d die to get it. 

“I’m sorry, my lord.” He said, rivulets of shame hitting the tiled floor. 

“Is that all you have to say?? I need you to be bettter than this.” The monarch said. He marveled at how much steadier their voice sounded. More determined to push him until he broke. Although, if he cast his eyes up once more, he could see that his ruler was just as frail. 

“My lord, don’t you-“ he said, breaking off with the effort of honesty, demonstrating his true care for his lord, “don’t you think that a break might be… beneficial? You struggle to even keep me alive. It pains me- I don’t like seeing you struggle my lord.”

They got up onto shaking legs, their royal staff barely supporting their weight. Slowly, they stepped forward. Just as the ruler was about to tip over, he rushed forward, meeting them in the middle of the steps. 

“Sit down, my liege. Please.”

“You think,” They said, their eyes turning to him full of molten fury, an antithetical ocean of tears, “that a break would be “BENEFICIAL”? Tell me what you did during the last four days, Tell me.”

He stayed silent, shame freezing him in place. 

“You drank. You smoked. You slept. You gambled. You fucked. Tell me, was that “BENEFICIAL”? Did it help you?” Mock pity littered their voice like the dung in the streets. “You received a break, an unauthorized one too, of FOUR DAMNED DAYS. And yet you pathetically ask for more. Are you a beggar in the streets?”

Sometimes he felt like he was. 

“Don’t I give you all you need?”

He hated himself, it wasn’t enough, or he wasn’t enough. 

“Did that break *help*?!?”

No. But it was better than this. He hated admitting that. It was better than getting kicked, each word from the monarch’s mouth a little blow, space between their faces hot with fury. But he deserved it. One day, he would be able to do what the monarch asked, and they would be happy. He would be happy. 

The monarch got up, reluctant to get helped by him, but he did it anyways. Back in the throne, the ruler slammed their deafening staff onto the floor.

“Kneel.” They said. He obeyed. 

“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be better.”

“You’re dismissed.”