It's past midnight near new years and Im in a thinky mood. I think this past year especially I've been coming to terms with some of the reasons I've felt resentful and bad in some aspects of my family dynamics even though ultimately I do love my family and believe that no one has ill will.
There's been a lot of my physical boundaries being disrespected throughout my life including having my stomach touched or my ass being slapped or my hair being played with. And there's emotionally some monitoring over my sexual behaviour being a full adult having dated multiple people and being scrutinized over what kind of time I spend with these people.
While all of this is apparently more or less normal in a lot of cultures, I do think that there's a lot of physical and emotional stunting that I'm coming out of because I feel I was extremely sheltered and made to live in a place where I felt more like an object than a full realized human person.
When people make arguments against incest based on potential offspring it always raised alarm bells to me. Like it gets into weird eugenics territory (as if people with like. Downs syndrome and limb differences are not worthy of life - these occur in pregnancies without related parents as well and while I can recognize the hardships that come with any disability (as the name implies) I think this is a bad reason to ban or look down on any form of sexual behaviour. Should we also discourage older folks from having sex because there's an increased risk for certain conditions?) not to mention that this is a non issue when it comes to same-sex incest or incest where there are non-blood relatives involved. But those things are still obviously bad.
The real issue is that incest affects people's relationship with trust, touch, agency, and boundaries. It doesn't matter what the risk of pregnancy is, when you have a social unit that you rely on to build your sense of place and identity, who you are literally trusting with your development because you are a baby, to be stunted in this environment especially and made to feel like an object for another person's gratification (sexual or otherwise - many kids grow up feeling like they are vicarious objects for their parents professional/social fulfilment) is so damaging on its face. A family dynamic is one that you can never fully extricate from. It is where you learn selfhood. The reason incest is bad is always because someone is looking at you and thinking of themselves before they are seeing you as a full person. Even if there were no sex involved this is bad. And if there is sex involved, if there is touch of any kind, it becomes so difficult to trust a touch to be kind and for your benefit. It becomes this thing you have always tolerated and never learned to ask for and want.
Im not even someone I would call a Survivor because by and large I don't think I had it the worst, nor do I think my family members who've perpetuated this are narcissists or abusers. But they existed in a culture of patriarchy and hierarchy where these actions and thoughts are seen as normal and innocent. It still remains that these mental habits they grew up with and internalized have harmed me.
tangentwithtanner
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