Ellen Elizabeth

Had some photos done for the website of my floral project: Milkweed, this morning (aka the job I do when I’m not being a social worker ;) ). Astounded by the universe and its generosity. YOU CAN DO FUCKING ANYTHING. 

Stopped for a coffee break with a coworker the other day during a really lousy time. We both needed a beverage and something sweet so I picked a covered sugar cookie because thats usually my go to. 

I unpackaged it and discovered the smile face was actually a sad one and burst out laughing because DAMN the cookie knew that life isn’t always fun and happy and was representing exactly how I felt in that moment.

I have a few hours this morning to rest and process as I am leading a group this evening for work and get to head in a little late. 

Life changes so much in a 6 month time frame. I feel thankful to have had a moment this morning to think about whats changed and what went well and what I am still striving for. 

In the past 6 months I became a licensed social worker, started giving a shit about my health, started taking my feelings and emotions seriously, started saying yes to things that I’ve always wanted to do. Deleted my instagram for good because I’ve known for awhile that it isn’t helpful for my own growth and sanity. Started to feel more confident about my abilities in my profession. Started taking my profession seriously and understand that fear has been keeping me from it for so long. Started to pursue creative projects again like flower arranging, bread making, gardening. Stopped putting pressure on myself to have a “cool freelance job” because above all, being happy and well is what I value. Helping other people and working in an office is fulfilling enough. Started allowing myself to enjoy life. 

The most beautiful sunflower bread from a bakery Cory and I visited for the first time. 

A field of dandelion puffs; a feeling of whimsy. 

This is the only “social media” I have left and mostly because it doesn’t feel social to me. I come here to reblog things I like, write very occasionally, and leave it at that. No one messages me about what I’ve posted, I don’t have to read peoples opinions. I prefer it that way. 

A new day. Last night I worked late, another 11 hour day teaching a financial class to a room full of future homeowners. Why social service workers are teaching a financial class? That is a question I’m still trying to figure out myself. 

The class is 9 weeks and mostly just requires homeowners to watch the dvd of the week and fill in the blank lines in their workbooks with words from the movie. My boss gave me an older version of the dvd because she hadn’t gotten our updated copy back, so I wasn’t surprised when I popped it in with all of our homeowners and their family members and friends sitting there waiting while it showed a frozen picture of the teacher on the screen. Pop it in, pop it out. In. Out. Still frozen. I had to cancel class and felt bad because I knew that the people in the class had just gotten off of work or paid someone for child care and now, everyones time had been wasted. At least they ate all of the pizza. 

One of the homeowners in process approached me after class. He had just selected what lot he wanted to have his home built on and was confessing that he had some second thoughts about his selection. 

“My wife died 2 years ago. I just feel so bad for my kids. They don’t realize that we live in poverty. We play music together all the time, we live in a decent neighborhood now, an apartment, but I wanted us to have a home. I thought this would be the answer. But the lot I selected is in a neighborhood that is so unsafe. Its in one of the highest crime areas in Columbus. My daughters can walk to the park where we live now, and I told them they couldn’t do that when we move. They can't play outside, can't be alone. They'd have to change schools. Loose their friends. All for the sake of us having a home. Its like a dream come true in the middle of a nightmare.” 

I completely understand what he is saying. Working in Family Services with an organization that provides low income housing is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it gives people who maybe would have never been able to afford a home on the market a chance at becoming a homeowner. On the other hand, we’re building these homes in terrible neighborhoods because thats whats affordable to us and them. These people have lived in these types of neighborhoods for most of their lives, and are wanting to buy a home as a refuge from that, but are still plighted by the same safety concerns. Except once they get a home, they’re stuck dealing with it for 15-30 years, unless we gentrify the neighborhood enough to make it safe, which also means making it unaffordable for them in the long run. Hm.