Release me
I realized today that I've built my walls again. I've locked myself into my own prison. This time is different, or maybe I just never realized who I was building the walls to keep out. I'm wasn't trying to keep out other people, I'm trying to keep me from myself.
I avoid anything but mindless media. Inspiring junk that tells the same watered down story of good vs evil and growing up. I avoided anything that made me feel. Made me truly feel pain, sadness, anger. I would watch funny things but nothing that made any happiness. I won't let myself go to memories that make me react. I watered down myself to not feel me.
It's no wonder that it's so hard to get close to me when everything I am is watered down and drowning in bricks of mediocrity.
It didn't all hit me at once, it came as pieces. I saw an interview with Vincent D'Onofrio giving advice to an aspiring young actor to consume art and why is important. I missed his point at the time. I started to notice I would avoid songs and movies and shows that I knew I would enjoy, but would be "too much" right now. I realized that anytime would ask me how I was, the answer was truthfully "I'm ok" I was never wonderful, or horrible I was just ok. I only felt tired. Only thing I felt was tired. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel anything but tired.
The final piece came today. I came across a video for Johnny Cash's "Hurt" and instead of watching a sad old man relive his regrets i saw a mirror. A mirror that I had covered a long time ago. I could barely see the end because I was crying audibly. The silence at the end felt like a nail in a coffin. My first thought was that I would leave this life someday and no one would know who I am, and even worse I wouldn't.
I understand art a little different now. It's not about trying to understand the artist. He already understands what he was trying to get out when he made it. Art is about finding yourself through your understanding of the emotions it makes you feel. I've been doing it all wrong trying to make someone feel something while not allowing myself to feel anything. I've been trying to know people through their stories without even letting myself know who I am.
I'm going to make myself feel a little everyday. I'm going to stop avoiding that song that reminds me of her. I'm going to stop pretending I don't feel guilty every fourth of July when I left my dieing grandmother in the hospital. I'm going to stop pretending watching my father slowly kill himself in a self medicated depression didn't affect me. I'm going to stop stopping myself from being real.
It's time to forgive myself and let me out of my own prison.
