As Real As I Get

I found myself in the back of an ambulance, being transported from one hospital to another that was more equipped to treat me. I was scared. In fact, in my head, I was sure I was not going to make it through the night.

I cried the whole way.

I was... alone.

When I got to the bigger hospital, checked in the ICU, I cried again.

The realization of being completely alone struck me.

I did not have "a person". I didn't have that one human that put me in their life as a priority, that person who would have crawled into that hospital bed with me to hold me close, to reassure me I was going to be ok.

Everyone should have a person.

In the past, I have said that love is different for all of us. The truth is, I think I was just trying to make excuses for the partner I was with at the time.

To me, loving someone, TRULY loving them means so many things. I feel that if someone is truly in love with another person, everyone should be able to see it in their eyes... when they look at one another, and even when they are just in the same room. When they are apart, the love shows in their eyes at the mere mention of their partners name.

Now, im not nieve, couples fight. Sometimes they fight hard and ugly, but you can still see the love through the anger. Also, when they fight, you can feel how they are fighting with the desire to make something in their relationship work and they aren't giving up.

Loving someone is the desire to know every part of the other person... not just physically but mentally, emotionally and not dismissing the parts that you find dark or uneasy. Instead, you talk about them, try to understand them, comfort your partner and let them know you aren't running away because of them.

Traditional marriage vows say you will take them in sickness and health... loving someone is not abandoning or judging them through those times. You become their strength, their comfort...

Love.

I don't know if what I've said is right but I can tell you that finding someone who loves you, it's rare, it's a challenge and for those like me? It's impossible.

What is love?

Im not going to lie and say he's always been great so why not speak to him, but I also can't say that I believe he's poison.

I've learned that, in life, we experience so much, meet so many people, we feel more heartache and pain than we ever thought we would.

their life they are ecstatic about the ending and ready to start that next chapter. In my case, I feel that way about nearly every chapter that I've lived through.

So, if you're reading this,

expect me to express confusion, frustration, anger, self-pity and sadness. I'd love to tell you there will be all good. In fact, im praying for amazing things to start coming my way

Sometimes I just need to

remind myself that I am a survivor. I've made it through so many of those chapters and never gave up, though I wanted to.