you think so much. You could think about a door for a hundred years and it would stay closed.
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@thisishowtomorrowmoves
you think so much. You could think about a door for a hundred years and it would stay closed.

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my bedroom is a sacred place now
In 2018, I wrote down a passing thought in my cheap little leather-bound journal I was writing a collection of songs in that would go on to become Preacher’s Daughter. “If I finish this album the way it needs to be finished, it will change my life, and it will leave a hole in my heart for years that I won’t know how to fill.” I’ve always had a knack for eerily accurate self-premonition. Preacher’s Daughter certainly left a hole, and it certainly changed my life, but only on the outside. All the songs I wrote for it were about characters, a girl in a “faraway” place living her “faraway” life, albeit still parallel to mine, but wholly detached from me. Willoughby was doomed to be closer to home. I wrote Nettles and Waco the same week, the first week I spent in the Alabama house where I would finish Preacher’s Daughter after so many years of trying. The difference was I wrote them about me. There were no characters at first; it was just me. In fact, I wrote them in an attempt to hide from Ethel Cain for a moment. She eventually devoured those little ditties too, of course, as she always does. In hindsight, I’m glad I had to share them with her. I couldn’t have carried the full weight of them myself, I know that now. My premonitions were out in full force; over the course of the next few years, I’d script out my own life in the same morbid fashion I always have. Maybe it was a lesson in not training my eye downward as I’ve spent the majority of my life doing.
I had 3 weeks for the holidays between mixing and submitting Perverts and jumping back into the maw of taming an unfinished Willoughby Tucker. I spent the first three months of 2025 on probation, unable to go much of anywhere, awake only when the sun was down. I’d never mixed a record of that magnitude, which was daunting with deadlines immovable. I remember 9am on my 27th birthday rolling around after being awake for hours whittling away at mixes, announcing the album and entire tour before going back to mix an album that still wasn’t done. I’ve never cried so much finishing a record, and that was before it was even out. Combining your Saturn return, your first shot at true love, and the longest tour of your life is something I would never recommend to anyone. It was the death of both ego and everything around it. I couldn’t be more grateful. Never in my life have I been so turned inside out, so uprooted and unraveled. Looking back, I needed it more than anything.
Thank you to everyone who listened. Ethel Cain and Willoughby Tucker will always be my children, my burnt offerings, what I leave in the storm. Sometimes I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I also fear it’s the only way. Ethel Cain, Willoughby Tucker, I really will always love you. I feel as though in this moment here, saying goodbye, you and I are closer than ever. I hope you can forgive me.
ok so hi

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If it’s meant to be I’ll see you later
Grace is one of the most classic things to fall from
That and the monkey barrrsssss
last week when i first arrived in california, back when i felt deliriously in love, i stepped out of the car and i believed the sun was kissing the tip of my nose so kindly
now—after a week away from you without any contact—i step foot out in the heat and the california sun burns me. it burns my cheeks and sears a line right underneath the sleeve of my t-shirt as punishment for my distance
show me grace, show me mercy. i’ll be back soon enough and maybe then we can go back to the way we were.
At Twenty-Eight Amy Fleury
¿Como Estas?
He cogido unos días de vacaciones en la casa de mis padres. Ahora queda vacía, pero he estado durmiendo en mi recamara de la infancia. No se que hacer con mis emociones cuando me quedo mirando las fotos del pasillo por mucho tiempo, entonces paso la mayoría del día encerrado en mi recamara. Ahora solo salgo para sentarme en el patio brevemente por las mañanas.
Perdona que nunca conteste tu llamada pero sabia que sin tiempo para mi, la situación hubiera empeorado. Espero que esto ofrezca consuelo mientras me quedo aquí. Te pido que no trates de encontrarme.
Hace unas semanas, fui a visitar nuestro lugar usual. Me senté en el banco sobre el estanque; que chistoso que ni siquiera mi voz ni mi cara hicieron que los cisnes me reconocieran. Intente de convencerme a mi mismo que la razón por cual no me reconocieron fue porque estaba usando un perfume nuevo. Pero en realidad, sabia que solo era porque tu no estabas junto conmigo.
Tu ausencia es tangible, y me persigue donde sea que voy. Los cisnes se acercaron a mi, mirándome con curiosidad y un indicio de familiaridad, pero se alejan con cadencia infalible.
Disculpa, no eres quien pensábamos que era.
¿Me creerías si te digo que los cisnes no son los únicos?
Por la noche, al atrincherarme en mi lugar habitual a la derecha de la cama, el colchón cruje—incómodo sin tu peso presente y equilibrando el mío. La cama y yo nos hemos convertido en completos desconocidos a pesar de nuestra relación nocturna durante los últimos dos años y medio.
¿A donde te vas por las noches? Siempre te escapas de mi.
Ultimamente, se que eres superado por todo, pero ¿podrías hablarme de vez en cuando?
Tú trabajas para poner comida en la mesa, pero ¿cuándo te darás cuenta de que tú igual eres necesitado en la mesa?
La soledad en este lado de la provincia es bastante diferente a la soledad que siento en nuestro apartamento, a pesar que vivimos juntos. Es curiosa la manera en que mi mente funciona. Aveces fastidiosa, pero al fin nunca suelo dejar mis tonterías. Debo ser fiel a mi mismo.
Me has dejado con una huella indeleble.

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left my man in the middle of the highway
won’t be seen with him cus thats embarrassing
Amber Waves by Ethel Cain on Apple Music
I think my name got a new meaning when you said it. New, but familiar. It only made me want you to repeat it again. And again. Say my name thrice unbroken; summon my love for you.

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I remember back when I used to be the chill cool girl who didn’t take offense to anything and wasn’t hurt by anything and was nonchalant about everything and wasn’t bothered and didn’t care and was so chill and cool…….. thank god I healed