tonight is gonna be the loneliest

- Present time - 

It was somewhat pretty. 

From where you were, you couldn’t see the sky. But you could picture its color; according to the reflections in the snow, the sun was slowly rising, a wonderful show of fire for whoever had the chance to watch. Maybe there were clouds too. You closed your eyes, and wooly forms danced behind your eyelids. A shallow breath, two, and you opened your eyes again. 

Moving your head was nearly impossible. It felt like a farrier was hitting your skull with a hammer. Almost as if the hits reverberated in your bones, shaking and irritating every single nerve of your body. And the cold had dug its claws in you, making you lose the feeling of your legs and your wings. No, you couldn’t move. But you really wanted to see the sky, and the branches above your head were blocking the view.

You had been staring at the snow for what felt like hours, and you still couldn’t understand what those things were. It was everywhere - dripping down the trunks of the trees, splattered over the snow, on your hand that was half buried in the wet coldness. 

The light soon became too bright, the snow too blinding, and you found yourself looking for the mysterious things. The sight of them was easier to bear, and you soon became accustomed to their soothing color. Red, brighter than the dawn, almost as dark as the wine Mor loved to drink. It reminded you of Cassian’s siphons. 

A color soft for the eyes, yes, but not really comforting, though. 

It held a threat, a menace, and the more you looked at the things, the more you knew it wasn’t supposed to be somewhat pretty or soothing. If your brain was cloudy, the feeling in your gut eventually became so strong that you moved. In spite of the pain in your limbs, you brought your arms closer to you, pushed with the palms of your hands on the frozen ground and, with groans that seemed to rip your throat apart, you stood on your feet. 

Your eyes took in all that they couldn’t see before; the sun, the clouds, the high branches with no leaves, standing around you like rusty weapons on a battlefield. 

A battlefield. 

That single word triggered something in you. A rush of adrenaline, a heartbeat so quick that  became chaotic, muscles tensed, on the verge of breaking. 

The soldier in you was back, and with it, the realization of what those things, this thing, was. 

Blood. 

___________

- Earlier -

War meant that your family was threatened, that much Cassian and you knew quite well. You were warriors, born and raised to be soldiers because a stubborn bastard and his stubborn sister weren’t worthy of anything else. Your family was probably the strongest in Prythian, each member being more dangerous than the last. Rhysand was the most powerful Fae that you had ever met, Azriel had the shadows for him and that unfaltering determination. Even Morrigan, who thankfully wasn’t fighting in this war, had that deep rooted instinct that made her someone you better not underestimate. 

And of course there was Tanwyn. If you had to describe her in a few words, you would say that Tanwyn was a Cassian made woman. That was probably why the two of them had gotten along so well since the beginning, and why they had fallen in love with each other. She was the leader of the Valkyries, these brave females from all Prythian who had decided that they were as worthy of their sword as males could be. You had always admired them, and you had the honor to have shared training with the warriors and to be considered as an honorary member of their group. 

It had helped you survive all the battles you had fought already in this damned war, and in this damned place that had become your home.

Your camp was in one of the only plains of the Winter Court. Through the years, it had become a small city, sometimes teeming with life, sometimes haunted by death. 

It was one of those days, where the screams and the dim of the weapons still resonated between the barracks. A freezing wind was blowing, and even though the tents were barely a comfort, few were willing to get out of them. As a result, Cassian and you felt like you were in a ghost town, alone to share some hours for the first time in almost a year. 

The first thing you had noticed was Cassian’s limp. He had tried to hide it from you of course, but you had seen right through it. Then your brother had called you out on the scar that was running on the side of your neck, and you were now sharing the few pieces of information you had about your family. 

“I’ve heard that Azriel can’t leave the High Lord’s side,”  grumbled Cassian. “Even Rhys has no word from him. From what I know he hasn’t even been on the battlefield in months.”

“That’s good news,” you answered. “Though I’m not sure his place is less dangerous than ours.”

“All I know is that he better have a good excuse for giving no word for years. I think I’ll beat his sorry ass for good measure, maybe to remind him of us once this is all over.”

You chuckled. 

“I’m pretty sure he hasn’t forgotten about us - about me at least. We all know I’m his favorite.”

“You’re everyone’s favorite, you little brat.”

You stuck your elbow playfully on your brother’s side. A silence settled - at the moment, you cursed yourself for not using every little second you had with Cassian to make sure he knew everything, that you wanted him safe, that you missed him, that you loved him. But sometimes, it was so overwhelming that you couldn’t find anything to say. 

It was a chance that you were passing by the camp-lord’s tent at that very moment, when he was in the heat of the conversation with what sounded like an envoy. 

“The Gollian Mountains?” Lord Olwahld exclaimed. “But- that’s the eastern part of the court!”

“I know my Lord, but that’s what the lady said.”

You stopped as something had struck a chord. Unlike what Olwahld seemed to believe, the Gollian Mountains weren’t that far from the camp, and if something happened out there, odds were that you would be sent to fight. 

“She said help is needed as soon as possible,” the man insisted. He almost had a pleading tone, and that made your blood freeze in your veins. “My Lord, your camp is the closest from the Mountains, and-”

“No.”

The Lord’s voice thundered, and even though he didn’t know what was happening, Cassian growled. The door-like fabric moved swiftly, and a boy that couldn’t be older than sixteen or seventeen appeared. His face was distorted with anger, and something that looked an awful lot like grief. He didn’t realize you and your brother were here until he almost knocked into you. 

“What’s happening, boy?” asked Cassian. “What news do you have from the Mountains?”

“Death is what is going to happen.” the boy answered darkly. “These females stand no chance against whatever army they’ll face. The Valkyries, they call themselves. After all it doesn’t matter, I’m not even sure there’ll be a single grave to write their name on.”

With that, he turned tails and disappeared between the tents. 

You didn’t remember having ever seen Cassian in such a state of shock. He was there, looking blankly in the void in front of him, his mouth still open as if he was ready to give an answer to the now gone young man. You could only imagine how his brain was working hard, trying to figure out how he could be of any help for Tanwyn - no, how Tanwyn could even be in such grave danger. You weren’t sure yourself of how great the danger was, actually. 

Some courts were actively supporting Hybern’s side; they were ready to do absolutely anything to keep the human race as slaves, even going as far as annihilating the courts ruled by High Lords sympathetic to the human cause. Spring and Autumn were known to unconditionally support for Hybern, and Dawn and Day’s implication in the war was blur. Anyways, strong rumors had circulated in your camps, and Rhysand had confirmed it last time you had seen him a few months ago: Clythia, one of Hybern’s officers, was suspected to be trying to join the Middle, where she could try to rally ancestral creatures to her cause. It was a dangerous bet, thoughtless even, but it could surely tip the balance. 

This was why the Winter court, though will-driven by neutrality since the beginning of the war, had recently agreed to let Illyrian camps be installed in their snowy territory. 

“What am I going to do?”

It was Cassian, and the barely audible tremor of his voice interrupted your train of thoughts. It almost sounded as if he was mourning Tanwyn already, as if he was already holding her lifeless body in his arms and was facing the consequences of a terrible loss. 

“We’re going to help them, Cassian. This is what we are going to do.”

With that, you grabbed your brother’s arm and pulled him forward, forcing him to follow your pace through half of the camp. Your first impulse would have been to barge in Lord Olwahld’s tent and demand soldiers to send to the Valkyries’ side. But the rational part of your mind knew that the Lord would never accept, not for the sake of a group of females and especially not if the little female bastard was the one formulating said demand. No, it would have only thrown away any chance of helping the Valkyries - you needed to think of something else. 

Cassian was silent, almost obediently walking behind you and with no doubts lost in his thoughts. He didn’t even react to the few whispers and whistles on their passage, when he would usually throw a few punches to make sure nothing bad was if only thought about his sister. The only sign that he was still in that head of his was the storm in his hazel eyes. 

By the time you got to your tent, you had already thought of some rudimentary plan. And you hoped that Cassian would come to his senses, because he would be the key to your success. 

“We don’t know much, but the one thing we can be sure of is that Tanwyn will need backup,” you started. It seemed to get Cassian out of his stupor, because he changed his slumped posture for an alert attitude. Your heart felt a bit lighter - your brother would be with you in this. “I think either Spring or Autumn have soldiers ready to take a pass in the mountains to get an easier access to the Middle. It’s only rumors, but it could explain why invading the Winter court when they have stayed out of this. As far as we know, the Valkyries are the only rampart against them.”

“They are about fifty,” Cassian spoke up. “The Gollian Mountains are a hell of a place, and at this period of the year there won’t be a lot of the passages that will be practicable. That leaves four, maybe five key positions that need to be defended. Plus at least two groups placed before and after every passage to make sure they can’t get past the mountains.” Cassian had come to the same conclusion as you. “We need soldiers.”

“We do.”

“Y/N, Olwahld wouldn’t even give us a sword, what makes you think he’ll give us soldiers?”

That was the hardest part of the plan. You knew perfectly that if it was you or Cassian formulating the demand, Olwahld would have you rotting in one of those rudimentary cells for a week before even considering alerting the higher officers, those who were in charge of the discipline in the camps. No, you needed someone else. Someone more important than you. 

The ideal would have been Rhysand’s father, of course. But that wasn’t possible; even though you were closer to him than anyone could think, the High Lord of the Night Court wouldn’t have put a soldier’s life on the line for what he would see as a lost cause. You needed someone who would act on his belief but who would be on your side. 

“We need Rhysand for this,” you said. “One of us needs to alert Rhys, and the other has to go to the Mountains as quickly as possible, because as far as we know, the Valkyries might-”

“I know.” Cassian cut you off with a stern voice. “But what you’re saying is that I will have to warn Rhys while you sneak off the camp to join Tan and the others. Am I right?”

“You are,” you confirmed. “I know you don’t like it,” you added as your brother was on the verge of protesting, “but we both know my word counts for nothing. My presence is only accepted because I’m what they call an easily replaceable sword, because if I’m killed, it means a male isn’t.” Cassian growled, the same reaction he had whenever he was confronted with the treatment his little sister suffered. “Cass, I know you don’t like it, but you know as well as I do that the only way we have to contact Rhys quickly is by sending an official message. Olwahld will simply refuse if I’m the one asking for it, but maybe if it’s you…”

Your voice died in your throat as you realized how fragile that plan was. 

“This looks an awful lot like a desperate attempt,” commented Cassian. “Y/N, do you really believe this is going to work?”

“What other option do we have?” you snapped. “The Valkyries are going to be facing an army on their own, Gods, they could be fighting right as we speak! Cassian, why does it look like you don’t care?”

That was a low blow, you knew it very well. But you had thought that your brother would knock out anyone willing to get between him and Tanwyn. Cassian had never been the voice of reason, definitely not when someone he loved was endangered. And Tanwyn… He loved her. You both loved her. You both cared deeply for her and the Valkyries, these amazing warriors you admired so much. You couldn’t comprehend why Cassian would let such a thing as doubt prevent him from doing what was right. 

Your last words had hurt him. He had looked down, almost ashamed for a second. Only now did you notice the way he was triturating his hands. You were used to seeing Rhys do this, but not Cassian. Never Cassian. 

“I’m sorry,” you muttered. “I shouldn’t have-”

“I care.” Cassian whispered. “I love her, I love her so much…” 

He stayed silent for a few seconds, and you waited. Of course he loved Tanwyn, obviously he cared, and you felt your cheeks burn with shame. Your brother had a reason for being so hesitant. He always had a reason. 

“But what you’re telling me is to let you leave for a fight you’ll likely lose. I just can’t do that, Y/N. I can’t.”

“But if I don’t go-”

“Only one more warrior, no matter how good they are, will not make any difference against an army.”

The voice of reason. 

“We don’t know when Rhys will be able to come,” you objected. “I know they are damned skilled, but I can’t imagine that fifty of them against what could be a whole army could end well. Cassian, I won’t make any difference, but- they need to know help is coming. I might not be able to change the outcome of the fight, but hope could do just that, don’t you think?”

Cassian stayed silent. You could almost see the twirling of his thoughts. Deep down, you hoped he would think of something else, maybe a solution you hadn’t considered yet that would be better than your extremely flawed plan. But when his shoulders dropped, you knew he hadn’t found anything. Your mind wandered and you imagined Cassian agreeing with you, you both parting ways, each gone for a mission you probably wouldn’t be able to fulfill. 

“You better be careful,” he simply said, “or you can be sure I’ll kick your sorry ass when you come back.”

As you discovered a few hours later, leaving an Illyrian war camp readying for another battle was surprisingly easy, especially for someone as insignificant as you. Following Cassian’s instructions, you had gone to the crowded infirmary and pretended to be looking for an injured friend of yours. When you had obviously found out that your friend wasn’t among the wounded, you had used the back door. The latter, which led to a kind of glade where the bodies of the fallen soldiers were left until they were burnt, was barely watched. All you had had to do was to wait until the guards’ attention decreased, and you had sneaked off in the woods. 

Just like Cassian, you couldn’t winnow to the Mountains. Usually, your wings were more than enough and you prided yourself in being able to fly quite fast. But, no matter how fast you were, it was still a few hours long flight to get to the Gollian Mountains. All that you could hope was that the enemy would wait until the next day to attack. Given how capricious the weather could be in that part of Prythian, it wasn’t impossible. 

If everything went as you hoped, Rhys would be aware of the situation by the time you joined the Valkyries. He would follow Cassian back to the camp immediately, order Olwahld to send soldiers and a few hours later, the help your friends needed would be there. 

However, you weren’t an optimistic person, and it was hard to keep hoping everything would go as you so desperately wanted. 

___

The sky was bathed in a soft orange when you finally identified the rugged ridges of the Gollian Mountains. You had been flying close to the ground for almost an hour; you hadn’t wanted to risk being seen by eventual enemies, and the air streams were stronger higher in the sky. The muscles of your whole body were burning - you hadn’t been able to fly for that long in ages. It felt good. 

The roaring of the wind covered the sound of the snow crunching under your feet when you finally landed on the Mountains. You folded your wings tightly and drew your sword, even though you couldn’t see anything alarming. No sign of battle, no sign of the Valkyries. Only the storm was disturbing the peacefulness of the place. 

“It’s been a while, little one.”

It took all of your remaining strength not to jump at the voice that was coming from behind, saving yourself from the humiliation of having been surprised that easily. 

“One could have thought you too old to play hide and seek, Tan.”

Tanwyn chuckled, and took the dozen steps that were still separating her from you. The Valkyrie’s hand was resting nonchalantly on the pommel of her sword, and as far as you could see, she seemed to be unharmed. 

“Did anything happen to Cassian?” she enquired, her voice laced with worry. You hurriedly shook your head. “Then is it possible that my plea for help has been heard?” she asked before you could add anything, to which you nodded. “Good, because my situation is desperate.”

“How could it be? Aren’t you with the Valkyries?”

“I am, but it’s a dozen sailboats that are coming at the very least, we’re not enough,” she sighed. Her eyes were lost somewhere behind you. Only now did you realize how exhausted Tanwyn looked. “All the remaining Valkyries are here, the twenty-six of us. But among them are our youngest recruits and- I can’t let them fight. Eveana is barely sixteen! I won't have those kids’ blood on my hands,” she added after another sight. 

Your blood froze in your veins. Twenty-six. You didn’t dare to ask why half of the Valkyries were missing.

Tanwyn’s eyes were dark, clouded by what looked an awfully lot like fear. They didn’t lighten up when you explained your plan, not even when you mentioned that Cassian would most probably join you to fight with Rhys’ soldiers. She wasn’t even arboring her usual smirk, the one that gave her this permanently cocky expression Cassian loved so much. You had never seen her so unlike herself - so defeated. 

“They know things aren’t looking good.” Tanwyn turned tails, and nodded in the direction of a snowed grove below. You followed her, swallowing the thousand questions that were  burning your throat. “I’ve told the youngest I wanted them back to the Day court. I have an agreement with Kiheera’s parents, they’ll take them in if they protect the domain. They all refuse to leave.” 

“How many are they?”

“Four. Eveana and Melody are promising, but they don’t even have the ribbon yet. Kiheera and Attala have had theirs for barely three months. But none of them really know what war is, and they don't understand that it would be a suicide to stay with us. If your soldiers don’t arrive soon…”

As Tanwyn was telling you more about the conflict between the youngest recruits and herself along with the desperate situation they were in, she guided you through the trees. Eventually, the camp appeared in front of you; it was barely a cluster of tents, probably not efficient against the icy wind but invisible from the sky and, as you would bet, from the valley below. 

The very few Valkyries that you could see were wrapped up in thick furs; one of them, that you had never seen before, brought Tanwyn her cloak. The girl had the dark skin of the Day court, and you wondered if it was Kiheera. Tanwyn confirmed silently. 

Then the both of you crossed the camp and reached a slightly off-centered tent. 

“I haven’t thanked you yet for coming here,” said Tanwyn as she followed you inside. “I’m afraid of the outcome of this for all of us, but it truly means a lot that you came.”

“You know I would never let you down.”

“I know. This is why I’ve promised you that a white ribbon would always be waiting for you.”

You often wondered why you had declined her offer all those years ago. It was just after the Blood Rite, that you had completed with Cassian, Azriel and Rhysand despite the strict interdiction you had received. It had earned you a punishment that the Night Court’s High Lord had tried his best to lessen; even though being forced to leave Windhaven and your brothers for a year had felt like a trip in hell. It was pure chance that the Valkyries had found you in the last couple months of your exile, and the training you had received had been your anchor when you had gotten back to the Illyrian camp. Before you had left, Tanwyn had handed you the ribbon; and it was still in her hand when you had given her your back and had started your journey to join your brothers. 

A silence followed her statement. 

“I’m surprised you haven’t asked yet,” murmured Tanwyn. 

You knew very well what she was talking about, but you still raised the question, feeling like she needed it to give you the answer. 

“Tanwyn, what happened?” 

“Hybern happened. Did you know that Amarantha and Clythia have brought their army? We found out but… No one came to help,” she muttered. Her face was veiled, her teeth gritted. “I- I realized too late that it was a trap. I led twenty-five Valkyries to their death.”

She sucked in a harsh breath, and you did your best to keep a hold on yourself. You couldn’t bring yourself to ask who. You clenched your jaw, your fists, everything to help you overcome the wave of grief that was hitting you. You kept repeating to yourself that Tanwyn needed you, that now wasn’t the time or place to grieve. 

“I don’t understand why they still follow me,” she continued with a quieter voice. “Why the youngest left the camp in Day to join us here, why they keep placing their faith in me when I’ve failed them so badly.”

“Because they know that what happened wasn’t your fault,” you answered. “Because they remember all the victories you have offered them, all the times you’d have given your life for theirs.”

“But they are dead!” she exclaimed, and her voice broke.

She looked down, her shoulders slumped and hands shaking. You slowly got closer; you didn’t want her to retreat, as if she were a wounded animal that you were trying to approach. Eventually, you grabbed her forearm and she allowed you to pull her against you. You hugged her, squeezing your arms around her waist and allowing her to grieve in the comfort of a friend’s embrace. She didn’t shed a tear - after all, it was Tanwyn, and Tanwyn never cried. She just let you provide some comfort, perfectly still until you asked the question that was bothering you. 

“Why didn’t you tell us? Cassian or I, I mean.”

Tanwyn slipped out of your arms and gave you her back, probably in order to get a hold her herself before replying with a steady voice:

“Because it happened too quickly. And then… I didn’t want to worry any of you, not when you are continuously throwed in those bloody battles.”

You nodded, not wanting to scold her when she seemed to be in such a complex and torturous state of mind. Instead, you waited until she spoke up again. 

“I didn’t even ask you - how is Cassian? We haven’t been able to communicate in a while and- well, I know he’s alive, and if something bad had happened to him you’d have told me earlier, but still…”

“He’s okay, as much as he can be with that war going on. He’s been hurt a few days ago- nothing too bad, don’t worry!” you said when Tanwyn’s eyes widened. “A nasty thrust on his leg, it earned him a temporary limp and a few days of leave. He’s arrived at my camp early this morning.”

“And he still wants to fight?”

Tanwyn’s reaction took you aback. 

“Well, you know as well as I do that there’s no stopping him,” you mumbled. 

She rolled her eyes, but there was a ghost of a soft smile on her face.

“That imbecile.”

A loud call for Tanwyn echoed suddenly somewhere in the camp. The piece of fabric that served as a door opened brutally and a familiar face appeared. You’d recognize those vibrant green eyes and the crown of fiery hair anywhere - Idril, Tanwyn’s second. She was the one who had found you near their camp and dragged you to the rest of the Valkyries. If she had been reluctant to your presence at the beginning, she had become one of your closest friends in the group, and your favorite hand-to-hand fight partner. 

For a second, Idril seemed to hesitate between acknowledging your presence, which was visibly a good surprise as her eyes were almost sparkling, and the pressing news she undoubtedly had to give to Tanwyn. But she settled for a nod in your direction before urging Tanwyn and you to follow her outside. 

The three of you joined the group formed by all the Valkyries gathered around a fire. The flames seemed brighter than ever in the snowy mountains now plunged into the darkness of the night. You noticed that everyone was armed, as if the fight was imminent. A wave of panic crashed into you, almost making you stumble and stealing your breath. If Hybern’s soldiers were here already… There was no way the twenty-seven of you would repel hundreds of men, even if you had home advantage. Your mind wandered to Cassian and his own mission. You had refrained yourself from thinking of what would happen if he couldn’t contact Rhys, pushing all of your worries behind thick barriers and focusing on your next step. But the outcome of this desperate attempt would be known sooner than you’d like, and you couldn’t keep hiding from reality. 

Even when your trust in your future was slowly crumbling, you still managed to keep an ear in the conversation that was conducted next to you. From what you had gathered, one of the two sentinels that were keeping an eye on the northern part of the pass had come back a few minutes ago, announcing that five boats displaying sails in Hybern colors were following the coast toward the small beach. According to Idril, disembarking the soldiers and having them trudge in the snow and across the forest to reach the pass wouldn’t take more than three hours. 

There was no sign of an Illyrian detachment coming to help. 

You glanced at Tanwyn, who was giving orders. 

The battle was for soon. 

___

You could hear Eveana’s heavy breath somewhere on your left. When you glanced at her, you noticed that she was trembling, and even in the dim light of the full moon you could see her white knuckles gripping her spear tightly. No breathing exercise could help her overcome the terror that was creeping up her spine; just like you knew it couldn’t help you either. On your right, Ylva, the only Illyrian female of the Valkyries, was crouched down, her sword laid on the snow and her lips moving silently. You had never gotten along well with Ylva, and if she had never told you why she didn’t want to have to deal with you, you knew that odds were that she envied you for having kept your wings intact. She hadn’t been given the same chance. Now, in the dead of the night, you felt closer to her. The last member of your little group was Tanwyn herself. She had refused to let Eveana or you out of her sight, the first because she wanted to be able to send her away if things went south and you… Probably for the same reason. 

You were on the front line, even though it was far from being like the one you were used to. Tanwyn and Idril had agreed with the plan Cassian had enunciated what felt like years ago : only four passages connecting the beach and the pass were usable, and each of them was defended by a group of four. The remaining Valkyries were after the pass, meant to be the last rampart between Prythian and Hybern. 

You were terrified - that was the least you could say. It was unlike any other battle you had fought, unlike any training you ever had. You couldn’t stay as still as Tanwyn, your breath was caught in your throat, your hands didn’t even respond to you and you couldn’t keep a good grip on your sword. Suddenly, there were so many things that you regretted - not saying goodbye to Cassian, not giving him a message for Azriel, Mor, Rhys and his family. You had never properly thanked Cassian for all his sacrifices, for all those years he had fought alone against the world to make sure you had food and clothes. You never had the chance to mourn the fallen Valkyries, you had never told Tanwyn how important she was to you, how you knew that Cassian and her were made for each other. 

If you wanted a chance to do it, you’d have to fight your way to the sunrise. 

Positioned like this, four against the Mother knew how many soldiers, you could only pray that Cassian and Rhysand would come to your rescue. 

They never came. 

___________

- Present time -

The realization hit you and brought your knees back to the ground. You were surrounded by blood, crimson rivers that were shining under the sun and contrasting violently with the snow. A disgustingly sweet and metallic smell was brought to your nostrils in waves carried by the wind. It was overwhelming and, soon enough, you found yourself unable to even think past this abominable scent. It made you sick, made you desperate to expel all the air of this universe so that you would stop being surrounded by this atrocity. It turned your stomach and you whimpered as you emptied its meager content on the snow. Tears were burning your eyes and you got on your feet again, almost thankful for the putrid smell that was now covering the scent of the blood.

Looking around, all you could see was an abandoned shield near a tree. You didn’t recognize the place - even though you were unable to recall any memory of the battle, you still had in mind a vivid picture of your waiting in the dark before the beginning of the fight, and you were then surrounded by many more trees than this. 

Slowly, you made your way to the shield to grab it. You were unable to lift your left wing and left it dragging on the snow. You looked around once more - and immediately regretted it. 

You felt sick again. You couldn’t miss them. Bodies lying on the ground, some half buried under the snow, some awfully mutilated. Your eyes stopped on the fragile frame of the girl Tanwyn had wanted safe, away from this butchery. Eveana, from her sixteen years of life,  had fought this battle and had died spear in hand. 

You found Tanwyn only a few meters away from Eveana. Her skin was cold, covered with the blood of so many soldiers that her scent had disappeared. You fell to your knees and cradled her body against you. 

Her head resting against your shoulder, her hand crushed in yours, you cried all the tears you had left and all the tears she had never shed. 

You cried for your friend, for Cassian’s lover, for the warrior and for the woman who had believed in you. 

You cried for that fucking ribbon that you had declined, for the day you had chosen to leave her to go back to your own family. 

You cried for all the following visits to the Valkyries, for all these times that had brought you closer and closer to Tanwyn. 

You cried in hope to expel all the pain she had accumulated in her life; because you couldn’t imagine a world without her, because the Valkyries would mourn her forever. 

You cried until you had no tears and no voice left, until your heart was numb and its broken pieces buried in this cursed snow. 

And when you stopped crying, you carefully untied the white ribbon that was still adorning Tanwyn’s forehead. Using your sword, you cut the piece of fabric in two, stuffed a part in your leathers and tied the other to the pommel of the blade she was still gripping. You laid her body delicately on the ground and crawled away, unable to bear the weight of the loss, until your arms gave up on you and you fell face first in the snow. 

You closed your eyes. 

___________

His blood was boiling. 

Cassian wasn’t even feeling stupid for that mistake that put him in this miserable cell. No, his clouded mind was wholly focused on how he had been unable to help his sister and his lover, how both were risking their lives and counting on him. And he? He was rotting behind those bars because he couldn’t control his own fucking tongue. 

Olwahld had listened to him. He had agreed to let him leave the camp to alert Rhys of that dangerous threat and, may the Mother be his witness, Cassian had believed that the Lord wasn’t such a bastard as he had first thought. He had felt like he could finally breathe - he would soon join you, join Tanwyn and the Valkyries, and you would all fight side to side. 

Then it had slipped out of his mouth - the Valkyries. Olwahld, when he had realized what it was all about, had erupted in rage before sending Cassian in this damned cell. 

It had been days. 

Rumors went fast in the camps, especially when it concerned Prythian and the war. And he had heard the most terrifying ones: some said that Hybern armies had invaded the eastern part of the Winter Court, that the scout sailboats had wiped out all resistance to make the path clear for the thousand of following ones. 

He didn’t know what the truth was, and it was driving him crazy. 

He had tried everything. Negotiation - hours of pleas and propositions of punishment in compensation for any problem him contacting Rhys could cause had been lost in the night. When he had realized it was pointless, he had tried corruption - he had promised luxurious rewards from the High Lord himself for the help of anyone willing to let him out of his cell. He had been met with laughs, and the few curious Illyrians had been put on burning duty, a nice word to say that the mounds of dead bodies were getting too big and needed to be reduced to ashes. Corruption wasn’t the solution, so he decided to try something that was more like him -  destruction. He had screamed, let his rage ignite his veins and unleashed all he had left on those damned bars. 

All he had gained was bruised fists and a stake made of ash wood wedged in his shoulder, which might have been another reason for his boiling blood.

But on the morning of the eighth day in that cell, he woke up from his agitated sleep with a strong feeling in his guts. It was as if the Cauldron had spilled its burning content in his stomach; he knew that something would happen soon with such certainty that it physically hurt to wait for it. 

He waited for hours, and nothing happened. 

He waited for so long that he started to wonder if his feverish state wasn’t playing tricks on his mind - it had worsened considerably the previous days, up to the point that his vision was almost permanently blurry and his skin hot enough to heat all the cells adjacent to his.

And then, suddenly, it happened. 

It started with an unusual noise outside - on the other side of the jail, that the little opening in the wall didn’t allow him to see. It sounded like half of the Illyrians of the camp were having a heated argument, though Cassian couldn’t hear any sound indicating anyone had come to blows. The growing turmoil abruptly stopped - at this moment, a few Illyrians ran past his cell toward what had caught Cassian’s attention. 

Someone roared virulent insults, and Cassian’s heart leaped in his ribcage. 

It was Rhysand. 

___

Less than an hour later, the door of his cell swiftly opened, but it wasn’t his brother who was standing in the opening. Lord Olwahld looked down at him with a carefully neutral face, and the struggle to stay cordial to a bastard he despised had his voice laced with disgust. 

“Lord Rhysand has brought to my attention that you shouldn’t be locked up in this cell,” he muttered through gritted teeth. “He asked me to offer my full apologies to you, and to lead you to his tent.” 

Cassian jumped on his feet - and stumbled miserably when dizziness hit him. However, no matter how bad he felt, he wouldn’t give Olwahld the pleasure to have him asking for help - so he squared his jaw and followed the Lord. 

The first thing he noticed was the total absence of people in front of Rhys’ tent. Then, when Olwahld opened the door of the tent for Cassian to enter, the smell hit him and almost brought him to his knees. It was blood. 

Fearing for his brother’s life, his heart racing disorderly, Cassian rushed inside. He was met with a seemingly furious Rhysand, and above all a Rhysand who was walking on his two feet. 

“Rhys-”

He wanted to ask what the hell was going on, but there were so many things happening all at once in that tent that his dizzy brain couldn’t process it all. First, Rhys. Then he realized that the bright yellow spot behind his brother was attached to the body of a female he knew all too well - he wanted to ask what could have brought Mor here, but then the horde of healers, among which he recognized Madja - who was supposed to be with the High Lord - interrupted his disordered thoughts. He barely noticed the envoy who had begged for help what felt like centuries ago - the young man was standing in a corner of the tent.

Cassian stuttered words even he didn’t understand, but his voice died in his throat when Rhys engulfed him in a strong embrace. It felt like they hadn’t seen each other in centuries. 

“He didn’t tell me- this Olwahld bastard is going to pay,” growled Rhysand. “For you and for Y/N.”

Your name rang a bell in Cassian’s sick mind - and this time, even though it tore his throat apart, he managed to articulate a comprehensible question. 

“What happened to her?”

Rhys’ breath seemed to get suddenly caught in his throat, and he looked away from Cassian. He looked away, that was something that Cassian had never seen and it terrified him. 

Rhys took a step aside, and Cassian made a shattered noise. 

You were barely recognizable. The healers gathered around your unconscious body were hiding most of your injuries, but Cassian could see your face - bruised, gaunt, devastatingly broken. 

The sight brought him to his knees. 

Rhys took a step, but Mor emerged from the group of healers and rushed to his side. Gently, silently, as if he were a wounded animal, she approached her hands from his arm and helped him up, not faltering once under his weight. 

Cassian didn’t realize that the silent exchange between Rhys and his cousin was about him; he only reacted when Mor pulled him to the exit of the tent, which made him tear his eyes off your broken frame. 

“No- no!” 

He tried to fight, but, weakened as he was with the fever and his own wound, Mor had no trouble forcing him to follow her to another tent. 

His mind was grappling with the last image it had of you. Hurt, unconscious, suffering, alone. He didn’t want to know what it meant for Tanwyn, for the Valkyries; he didn’t even want to think of the possibility of losing you. 

Falling unconscious felt like a benediction from the Cauldron itself.

___

When he woke up again, the camp was plunged into the dark. A fire was bathing the inside of the tent in a comforting light, and it warmed the air enough for him to remain shirtless without being cold. 

The fever was gone, and so was the dull pain in his shoulder he had almost gotten used to. 

He closed his eyes again, and the image of your unconscious body appeared in his mind. The sight sent a jolt of electricity in his body, and he jumped on his feet. No faltering came to bother him, and he promptly left the tent, rushing to go back to where he had seen you… When was it? A few hours ago? A few days? 

When he finally reached the tent and rushed in, he wasn’t expecting the peaceful atmosphere. You were still unconscious, still gaunt and pale and bruised, but there was no blood anymore. Your hair was clean, the bandages he could see were pristine white, your features seemed more relaxed than the last time he had seen you. 

There were no healers anymore, only Mor and Rhys, both snuggled against each other on the floor at the foot of your bed. Mor was sleeping soundly, but Rhys’ eyes were staring at Cassian full of worry for him, as the latter realized when his brother spoke up. 

“Are you feeling better?” Cassian nodded, his own gaze fixed on you. “Then take the chair, the sun will only be up in a few hours.” 

Indeed, a single chair had been placed next to your bed, as if someone knew that Cassian wouldn’t leave your side ever again. Knowing fully well who had had that attention, the latter felt a knot forming in his throat. He couldn’t even speak, even though he wanted to know what the bloody hell was happening. 

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow, brother,” murmured Rhysand. “It will be a long day. You should rest.”

Cassian nodded again and sat, wincing when his rigid muscles reminded him of the last few days. When he realized that he was still shirtless, he grabbed a blanket that was still folded on your bed and wrapped himself in it, getting ready for an unknown amount of time without sleeping. 

He wouldn’t close an eye before you woke up. 

___

No one had expected that you would come back to consciousness so quickly. Despite all his resolutions, Cassian had dozed off at some point and he jolted awake at the soft noise of crumpling fabric just next to him. 

“Y/N!” he shouted when his eyes found yours open. “Oh, thank Gods you’re awake, Y/N- Gods!” 

And with all the restraint he could manage, all the delicacy he knew you needed, he pulled you to his chest and broke down when your arms wrapped around him. He broke down like a kid and sobbed loudly, his face hidden in your neck to smell your scent. He was completely oblivious to Mor and Rhys’ presence. The rest of Prythian could have been burning, he didn’t care. 

He had almost lost you, his little sister, the only being in this damn world who shared his blood. He had agreed to that reckless plan, had let you leave on your own, then he had failed you and you had come back injured, almost dead. 

Cassian felt a hand on his shoulder, and then Rhys was hugging you both, and Mor joined him. 

You all stayed like this for what felt like hours. 

You didn’t say a word, and fell asleep again soon after Cassian let you go. 

___________

You had been awake for some time, but you hadn’t opened your eyes yet. 

You remembered little from the previous days - you truly had no idea of how you had come back to that camp. You didn’t know why or how Rhys and Mor, whose scents were mixed with Cassian’s and impregnating everything around you, had come over here. 

All you could remember was the little piece of fabric you had hidden in the leathers you were still wearing, the magnificent fire you had lighted for the Valkyries, two silhouettes disappearing in the night. You had a faint memory of Cassian’s voice in your ear, of his sobs that had wrecked your already damaged heart. 

And now, the tent and your family around you. 

You would have so many things to tell them, and yet you had so little restraint on the grief that was striking you…

Calloused fingers brushed against your forehead, stopping all of sudden your train of thoughts. You opened your eyes. Cassian was sitting next to you, his hand still close to your face, his gaze fixed on you. His frown lessened and he even managed a weak smile. 

“You scared me,” he croaked out. 

In his bloodshot eyes, you could see all that he didn’t tell you. All that he couldn’t bring himself to ask. Instead, he helped you sit and only murmured soothing words when you winced in pain. 

“Why-”, you tried to ask, but a coughing fit that burned your entire being interrupted you. 

Cassian’s hand only left your back when your breathing stabilized. 

“I believe it will be better to wait to have this conversation,” said a voice that you hadn’t heard in months. 

Rhys had indeed stepped into the tent, and was holding the fabric for Mor to follow him. The latter rushed to your side and engulfed you in a hug. Rhys had stopped next to Cassian, but he was smiling warmly in your direction. 

You knew what they were trying to do; whether it was Mor with her sweet words or Rhys with this smile that didn’t reach his eyes, they were desperately trying to break the lingering tension around you. Cassian obviously couldn’t bring himself to do the same, and it was more than understandable - he knew. 

Of course he knew, and nothing would ever be the same again. 

You felt a soft brush against your mental shields, and opened a tiny door for Rhys to whisper in your mind. 

I found you among the bodies. I know how it ended, but not how it happened. Do you want to show me?

He didn’t elaborate - he didn’t need to. It was a kind proposition, one made for you to avoid all the suffering that would be brought by the necessity to tell them what happened in the mountains. You wanted to accept, even though you felt like it would make you a coward. 

But you realized something that made you change your mind and refuse Rhys’ offer: those two silhouettes that you remembered, you knew you would never see them again. No one would. 

And it made you the only person able to pass on the Valkyries’ legacy like they deserved. 

So, one day, you would tell them. 

You knew that you would eventually remember it all - your nightmares would be plagued with scenes of the horror you had endured in the Mountains. You would never forget the crimson rivers in the snow, the weapons stuck in the frozen ground, the dozen corpses surrounding you. The putrid smell of the funeral pyre would stay engraved in your mind, just like your muscles would always feel the weight of Tanwyn’s lifeless body in your arms. The sharp guilt would keep twisting your insided every time you would picture the silhouette of the two Valkyries that had left after the pyre was lit up. You didn’t even know their name. 

One day, you promised yourself, you would tell them. 

But, as cowardly as it probably made you look, you were unable to tell them now. 

You didn’t dare to look at your family. In your mind, Rhys whispered that they understood - they all knew how painful the wounds left to the survivors could be. 

Still, there was one thing you had to do.