Mariah Hutcheson

This quote is for all of the toxic relationships I’ve been in and am still in with friends, family, etc. Part of my personal identity is that I try to let my past make me a better person. I’m not bitter about the hand I’ve been dealt in life. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t get so depressed, but I’m honestly grateful for every horrible experience I’ve gone through. Because of them, I am stronger. Because of them, I am wiser. Because of them, I am more compassionate. Because of them, I am humble. Because of them, I appreciate beauty more.

I love dressing up. Madison, my older sister, started really getting into photography when she was like 14. I was 12. I would always be her guinea pig and model for her so she could practice with angles and editing and such.I loved it. A small part of me has always wanted to be a model, and it’s still there to be honest. But a larger part of me convinces me that I’m not pretty, (but I’m loving myself more and working on that) or that it is unrealistic (that’s the zinger). Madison has been the person I let dye, cut, style my hair since we were preteens. The only exceptions have been that I got my hair cut in Walmart one time when I was like 10, and the time my friend Tina dyed my hair blue at Wheeler park (boy, that’s a fun story).

All of these pictures except the bottom row are of me dressed up for some kind of school dance event in my senior year of high school. The top ones (I’m in the red dress.) is from when I was nominated to be on homecoming court. The very top one was when they called my name because I was voted to be a homecoming princess. I love it because I was smiling so big and my dad looked proud. 

The ones of me in the silver and blue dress are from actual homecoming. I love the one with me spinning because I love playing dress up and being silly and having fun and it just kind of captures me well in my opinion.

The one in the white dress was from prom. I felt so pretty and I love the glow of that picture. It’s almost magical (another part of my personal identity: I want to believe in magic so badly). 

The last three are of a more recent photo-shoot. The story behind it is that I broke off the toxic relationship I was in, and I had no pictures or good selfies to change my profile pictures too.It sounded kind of silly, but it was actually really important. He never liked me to post selfies or pictures where I looked good. I eventually stopped taking them as much. Because of that, I didn’t have an recent pictures of myself when the relationship was over. I also wanted to spend time with my sister and talk about what happened with him and be comforted (fun fact: I recently learned that he’s coming to VSU next semester and that my sister and my ex have each other on social media and talk occasionally; that hurt. A lot. Which is his intention. It made me sick to my stomach and it still kind of does if I think about it too much. She doesn’t see his intentions because she doesn't know him like I do. She likes him more now that we’re not together. He offered to pay a good amount of her videographer’s fee for her upcoming wedding, so he looked like the good guy and I did him wrong and broke his heart. Apparently how he controlled me in the relationship and how it hurts me for her to still talk to him isn’t a good enough reason for her not to talk to him.It’s all very complicated. I’m sorry; I’m getting carried away. I’m really hurt, and I am an emotional person. Nonetheless, I’m really laying it all out in this project because in order to really explain my personal identity and define who I am; well, I’m showing you. That’s the best way I know how. Not only through pictures, videos, and paragraphs, but in the way that I’m writing. In the diction I purposefully use.) ANYWAY, she did my makeup and hair and I was going to take some selfies and one thing led to another and we ended up doing a photo-shoot. I’m so grateful to have her as my sister, and I love her very much. I’m so thankful to have the moments where we laugh and listen to music while she does my hair and makeup. I honest to god would not trade her for anything.

Here are some pictures of me as a child and my family. My family plays the biggest role in the building of my personal identity. Everything I’ve gone through with them, against them, for them, in spite of them, out of love for them, helps construct me into the person I am today. A line of one of my favorite songs (posted in the playlist assignment; it’s Secrets by Mary Lambert.) is, “My family is dysfunctional, but we have a good time killing each other.” It’s not always a good time and there are plenty of lies, disappointment, ostracization, manipulation, and drama in general, but there is also love and compassion and fierce protectiveness.

You have to be careful with this though because growing up, I never really had a good example of how “love” should be or work. I know and I see it now, but it still confuses me. Thus why I let people I love use me and walk over me. Thus why I’m not sure of what I deserve, my self worth, what’s okay and not okay and how the man I love should treat me.

 I am 100% convinced that unconditional love does not exist. Not romantically or platonically. There is always a condition or a set of conditions. If you wan to try to tell me otherwise, I would absolutely be willing and eager to have the conversation and listen to your point of view open-mindedly. However, I have never really experienced that kind of love, and I'm just convinced it doesn’t exist. There’s always a condition.

On the other end of that, I contradict myself by believing that I try to love unconditionally. My little sister for example, I feel like I love her unconditionally, but I also only get to see her like twice a year now. In the same respect, I don’t feel like my older sister loves me unconditionally. I’m not sure if that’s okay to say, and I definitely don’t intend it maliciously; it’s just who she is. And that’s okay. It kind of hurts because I feel like I can never do right be her, but I know she loves me a lot, and she’s very protective of me. My Nana and my little brother might love me unconditionally, but I haven’t really pushed them to test it out. 

Plato: We are able to have Personal Identity because of religion and humans having souls.

Descartes: So we can agree that it's PerSOULnal Identity?

Another personality trait that I have is that I like having friends. Honestly, it’s hard for me to really get close to people, but I love my friends. Two of my best friends are Brittany English and Jett Voorhees. We’ve known each other since middle school. One of my good, new friends is Jessi Salas. 

Wow, isn’t this quite the question to be answered. I see myself as goofy. That’s my most undeniable and pronounced trait. I can be serious, but my favorite thing to do is laugh. There is a time to be serious, but honestly, we can’t take this life too gravely. I get stressed and depressed and I have honest-to-God moments where I just absolutely do NOT want to exist (depression sometimes takes all of my hope and makes me feel as if it were the end of the world), BUT I think because of this, because I didn’t have a “good” home life and everything that I’ve gone through with parents, stepparents, mental illnesses, abuse, self-hatred/mutilation, disappointment, heartbreak, etc., that I look for happiness wherever I can find it and try to make the most of it. I’m a very empathetic and compassionate person (most of the time). I know how it feels to experience hopelessness, worthlessness, disgust with yourself, depression, and generally most of the awful emotions that humans deal with, so I honestly want to help others that go through feelings like that. I love helping people. I have a hard time accepting help and an even harder time asking for it.