Why Lawzo vault on ao3? 𼺠Want to read fics but they hidden
I've been debating over posting something for a long time and I've gotten enough questions about it across tumblr/twitter that this ask is probably the best time to address it.
Most probably don't know, since I've only posted about it minimally on twitter, but I've been struggling with my physical and mental health for the last few years while working two full-time jobs. On top of taking in my grandma's senior cat with 0 warning and all of the vet bills that came from that (that are still ongoing). Because ofâŚall of that, I've been struggling. It's hard to gather the energy to do the things that used to bring me joy. It takes me months to be motivated enough to write and reading is pretty much out of the question. I've been able to get a more proper diagnosis for my mental issues in the past 9 months and it's helped a bit. But the lows still outweigh the highs by a lot.
I love Lawzo.
It's the first fandom I've actively participated in (life-long lurker previously), it's the first I've actively written for. I've dedicated so much time and energy over the last almost six years to it, in varying ways. But I've never actually ever felt like a part of the fandom. That's probably my own fault. I'm not used to being part of a community. I didn't put in the work to create a space where people feel comfortable interacting with me. I get anxiety going out of my comfort zone. My mental health makes me withdraw sometimes for months at a time without warning or explanation.
I thought that the improvements I've been having the last few months would help - updating WIPs, getting back into the flow of things, coming back to tumblr, etc. But I know now that my writing will never be good enough. That I will never be good enough.
I thought that I could learn to accept that. I've been having a hard time accepting that.
I appreciate all the support I've gotten over the years; both new and old, some who are probably reading this right now, and others who have since moved on to new fandoms. Every comment I've gotten that I was never able to reply to, every fanart I've inspired, every response, every kudos.
But it's hard when I see the amount of stress and frustration and literal and figurative tears that go into everything that I do and that, at the end of it all, it feels like the only worth I have is that I can sometimes write a somewhat decent fic. That that's the only purpose I have here. And that it doesn't even seem to be enough most of the time.
I've debated deleting all of my fics. I've been tempted to multiple times. The anxiety of having them there is nearly overwhelming most days. Except that would be ignoring all of the time and effort I put into them and, even though it feels like it now, it wasn't a waste then. All of the time that kind readers have put into reading them, the effort of leaving a comment, a kudos, maybe a small remark in a non-private bookmark. So for now, I've locked them in a collection. I'll probably unlock it when I've finished the last request I need to do, but I don't know about after that.
In the mean time, I'm probably going to go on a more permanent hiatus. Maybe in a few weeks/months/years, I can come back and view them with appreciation instead of the current dread I feel every day. And maybe, hopefully, I'll relearn to love Lawzo like I used to.
-Sorry, that was probably a lot more than you were looking for.
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People in the notes are telling me the opinions of Twitter and Reddit users. Let me make myself clear: redditors and Twitter users are not people to me. I do not value their opinions on my hot wife, the em dash. Puts her in a paragraph 20 times.
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directors using colorful or "impossible" lighting to convey mood and meaning and beauty my beloved. directors making night scenes impossible to see for the sake of realism my beloathed.
i am willing to bet my entire life savings that he spent at least a good solid hour trying to climb that fucking tree for the sole purpose of looking like a badass
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âtrans men donât experience misogyny because theyâre men thus cannot experience womenâs oppressionâ
I hate to tell you this but even cis men experience misogyny if they step a toe over the line of what our incredibly sexist society sees as âproperâ for a man. You really donât think that a man with interests or expression the world sees as âfemaleâ arenât treated with violence?
âwould you say that of other privileged groups? do you think white people experience racism?â
I mean sometimes they do yeah. I know a white guy with monolid eyes and zero known Asian ancestors and he absolutely experiences anti-Asian racism on a fairly regular basis because people think heâs mixed Asian/white. I know a woman who was told throughout her life that she was Native as an adoptee with no known history or background who experienced incredibly violent amounts of anti-Native racism until she discovered as an adult through DNA test that she is 100% white. I know white people who tan incredibly dark in the summer comparatively that are constantly accused of being mixed race and experiencing racism due to that, usually anti-Mexican racism perpetrated against white people with Greek or Italian ancestors.
Their ability to make it stop by saying âhey, Iâm white actuallyâ only goes as far as the person enacting violence on them is willing to believe them. They still have to live with the trauma and physical scars from the altercations. We live in a racist world and thus there will be violent people who force all others to pass a whiteness test and eliminating or harming the rest.
Got an ask that I just block/deleted but it was basically âso you think cis people experience transphobia!?!?!?!?â and uh
If you think cis butches donât experience both transphobia and misogyny and homophobia for daring to be women who break gender roles while still holding onto their womanhood youâve sorely misunderstood just how bad butches have it in this world sorry. If you donât think cis queens experience transphobia and homophobia and misogyny for daring to be men who break gender roles while being loud and proud about it and still holding onto their manhood then youâve sorely mistaken just how bad they have it in this world as well.
Not to mention all of the cis men who wear dresses and skirts and makeup and nail polish and heels simply because they like them who experience all of these things. All of the cis straight women who simply just exist but something about them doesnât pass societyâs âwoman enoughâ test, leading to them being caught in bathroom bills and sporting rules and being attacked by people who mistake them for being transgender or gay.
Just like how straight people experience homophobia to such a degree that they literally beat their children out of any potential deviance from rigidly upheld gender roles and let politicians make jokes on national TV about how theyâd drown their pre-teen kids if they came out as LGBT. Do you really think a straight kid still figuring themselves out hears that and doesnât internalize that homophobia? Doesnât rigidly hold themselves to some impossible standard so that no one could ever possibly think theyâre gay? You donât think straight teenage boys who maybe donât pass some bullyâs straightness test are getting the shit kicked out of them for âbeing gayâ when, surprise, they arenât? You donât think all those kids being attacked by their priests and coaches and teachers are being told âthis wouldnât have happened if you werenât gayâ when theyâre literally not gay? Do you know how many straight kids had close calls at my school that famously expels all gay kids, because someone made up a believable enough rumor? Do you know how many of them still got their shit kicked in even though administration ultimately decided to let them stay?
All bigotry is violent and all bigotry catches people it doesnât âintendâ to and hurts them as well. It doesnât matter what someoneâs label is, or if they even have one. It matters if the person enacting the violence is doing it because their victim didnât pass whatever âacceptable enoughâ test they didnât know they were being subjected to.
Everyone is at risk. Oppression doesnât care what your label is. Some people are more visible targets than others, and as a result those people are the more common targets. That doesnât mean no one else experiences it.
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