this is something I wrote so I'd have a summary of my general situation
I donโt care about people.
I know this doesnโt sound like something out of the ordinary but in my case it is.
Itโs not just about not caring about the general public or people from my community, I donโt care about the people that others may consider to be my friends or even my family.
I understand the general concept of sympathy and empathy and I act as though I am feeling these emotions but itโs more of an imitation of what I think society sees as the norm than me actually experiencing it.
Iโm pretty good at faking emotions and most people that know me would probably describe me as friendly and polite but at the same time also as quiet and introverted.
Iโm pretty content with this perception that people have of me because it is something that is overall positive but still lets people know that Iโm not a particularly social person. That is also the reason that I get left alone by most people that I want donโt want to be bothered by, which is exactly what I want.
It took me a while to figure out that not everyone in the world was doing the same thing as me. It didnโt appear to me that the emotions other people expressed were what they really felt on the inside and not just a set of rules that they abided by in order for our society to work peacefully.
Luckily I never was very sociable, not even as a child, and didnโt tell anyone about my thoughts because I would have probably ended up in some kind of mental institution.
The act of caring for one another on an emotional level is still weird to me. From what I understand most people feel a need to be around people that they like or even love in order to be happy.
I never felt anything like that.
Iโm convinced that I am unable to love. I donโt love my friends. I donโt love my family. I donโt care for them. I know that I need them to survive or I at least needed them in the early years of my life but that doesnโt mean that I liked them for what they did for me. It was more an appreciation but it also felt like it was their duty to do all those things for me.
I feel similar about my friends.
They are people that I generally enjoy being around but for reasons that may seem weird to an average person.
I know that I need social bonds and at least some kind of communication with other people in order for me to not go completely insane. That is why I have friends. They are a way of keeping my brain healthy which is my overall top priority in life. Theyโre generally people with similar interests to mine and help me get my mind in order.
But I still only care genuinely about myself and want to get the best possible outcome for my life with the smallest amount of effort.
For that the way people see me as a person is very important because people that do not fit into the average public, have it a lot harder in life.
Thatโs why I still keep my whole โfeeling emotionsโ act up. I get satisfaction from other peopleโs good opinions about myself and want them to think of me as an overall nice and normal individual.
I donโt feel any particular way about the way I am. I donโt like or dislike it. I would say that it has a lot of benefits though. Not feeling a lot of emotions helps me to keep my mental state stable and my thoughts is order.
Love is something that I canโt relate to. The closest thing to it I experience are crushes. Itโs almost ridiculous how often I get them. Theyโre not like regular crushes though, I donโt want to be near the person and cuddle them or kiss them or stuff like that. I just find them interesting or nice to look at in a non sexual way. There are at least three boys that I have a crush on right now and itโs very hard to describe.
One weakness of mine is longer hair and even though Iโm convinced that I donโt have a type two of them look very similar. Blonde, tall, blue eyed and the. best. smile. omg.
Ok just to show youโฆthis feeling is the most thing similar to emotions that I experience on a regular basis and it makes me crazy.
The other boy is different. Iโve only seen him three times total.
I still remember the first time I saw him. We were very drunk. He was not sad that night but I heard the stories. I could tell that he went through some stuff.
Sadnessย fascinates me. I think itโs because itโs one of the most visible but often also the best hidden emotion. I havenโt experienced sadness on a deep level myself. When I was younger I often mistook my feelings of anger, disappointment or overwhelm for sadness. I donโt think theyโre the same. Anger is perhaps the only real thing is feel aside from joy. Then again I havenโt really experienced any tragic events in my life at least none that I saw as such. But this misconception of mine is probably why Iโm still so interested in sadnesses. oh well.
He had dark hair and was a lot taller than me and he waited for my bus with me. I hugged him. A lot. And I told him that he matters and not to be so fucking sad all the time. I do that a lot. I think itโs because helping people is something that is considered a very nice thing and it makes me look better. But yeahโฆhe just hugged me back and I donโt even knowโฆit was nice. But yeah. Iโd never want to date him, Iโm not even sure if I should see him againโฆI donโt even know if I want to.
Every time I knew that he would be there I told myself not to talk to him. I managed once. I didnโt the last time. I got wasted. We talked for hours and i donโt remember what about. He smokes; and he does it in the most beautiful way. If youโve never seen someone who smokes, not for show or for joy but because they simply do not care whether they live or die then youโve never seen the beauty of cigarettes.
I hate the taste. I tried a couple of times but I just donโt like them. Probably good for me but it doesnโt stop me from finding them beautiful to look atโฆat least if theyโre smoked by the right person. He is. Heโs so fucking prettyโฆI donโt know. I just like looking at pretty things.
I thinks thatโs something that all people enjoy. For me people that have something intriguing about them are pretty. Like a good taste in music, a fascination with something that I donโt know a lot about, nice hair or some dark secret they donโt want to talk about. I have a weakness for tall, sad boys that donโt care what people think and are funny and smile when I smile and whose laughs makes my stomach twitch.
Iโve known one of the blonde guys since I can remember but I only see him twice a year. The crush thing developed pretty late though. I think it was two or three years ago. He had the good taste in music. Nowadays he also has the good hair. He also played ukulele for me which was greatโฆI donโt think about him in a romantic way though. This crush is more about me wanting to have him as a good friend because he is interesting in a lot of different ways. He thinks a lot. Like me. He also has great friends and does stuff I would love to do here but canโt. Heโs spontaneous and just an overall great person. I donโt know.
The last boy is in my school. We only have a few classes together but when we do I canโt. fucking. stop. looking. at. him.
He always cuts his hair when it looks the best. When itโs just the right length. When he has to get it out of his face every few minutes. I hate it when he looks at me. I canโt focus when heโs looking at me. Itโs like he looks through my eyes. Like he pays attention to everything I do. Like he looks inside my head to see what Iโm thinking. And his smile isโฆ.really great. He does it a lot but itโs contagious. Just like his laughโฆheโs very funny.
Everything he does looks beautiful. Even the way he eats his sandwiches. Itโs fucking stupid. He always eats them with just one hand. I guess most guys do. I just only noticed it with him.
I like his nose. Itโs just the tiniest bit too big. Itโs adorable. I have PE with him this year. Itโs my last year of school. I have a feeling that if we had seen each other more often things would be different. I donโt know in which way. I would never want to do anything with him though. Other than looking at him. Heโs too pretty for me not to look.
This is the only thing I think is kind of a normal reaction to things that I experience. Aesthetic crushes.
Iโve never experienced any form of attraction except aesthetic. Iโve never wanted to be with anyone sexually. Romantically I think I have. Not in an overly romantic way though. Hugging people is something I enjoy. Being hugged is a great feeling. But I donโt think I would feel a need to go further than that. I think thatโs a good trait of mine. Relationships seem so tiring. Also I donโt think Iโll ever find someone that I could spend more than a day at a time with. Most people get boring as soon as I get to know them. ย ย ย ย
Which is why I donโt want to get close to any of the boys I have a crush on. I donโt know any of them that well. Thatโs what keeps me interested because even if they still look the same they lose that sense of mystery. The beauty that I see in them would get lost. I donโt want that. These crushes make me feel things. Theyโre one of the only things that make me feel something, which is a great change from the overall numbness or aggression that is commonly found inside my head. Itโs very hard to express all this in words. I hope people understand.
