bliss lane
@theartofmadeline
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
titsay
Cosmic Funnies
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
almost home
Fai_Ryy
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
🪼
Cosimo Galluzzi
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
ellievsbear
macklin celebrini has autism
hello vonnie
todays bird
Mike Driver
seen from Indonesia
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@theycallmeachemistrynerd
me: how do churches deal with gluten at communion
first response on a catholic forum:
The Roman Catholic church is the only Christian faith with any mettle.
It’s not bread. It’s Jesus, dipshit. Next question.
It’s jesus, but also jesus’ body activates Celiac’s
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Wizard who got tired of fighting and casts fucked up unethical spells like “super brain hemorrhage” to end them faster
One time I did “Summon Water” inside a guys lungs and the GM allowed it because he had been playing for years and never seen anyone do that
Me “I can raise the temperature of a space by 5 degrees (Fahrenheit) per success” DM “Okay.” Me “And that’s 6 successes, so 30 degrees…” DM “Okay…” Me “And ‘inside the human body’ is a space, right?” DM “…I don’t like where this is going.” Me “So I’m going to raise the temperature inside his body 30 degrees.” DM “Yeah, so he’s dead now. He was fine, and then went through all the stages of heat stroke in half a second before his body went ‘No thank you’ and just shut off to stop it from being so hot. Good job.”
This post is even funnier now that ‘super brain hemorrhage" is basically a real spell
a wise woman once said, “you are capable of twice as much as you think and ten times as much as your mother thinks” and honestly i think about that a lot whenever a wave of doubt rushes over me telling me that i can’t do it. sometimes you just gotta look your doubt right in the eyes, stand up straight and say, watch me!
source
Oh god, imagine being the person who created that page.
She promised an ex who had belittled her dreams that one day he wouldn’t be able to order a coffee with out hearing one of her songs. She deserves all the good she’s worked for.
The thing people forget about her is that Lady Gaga is fueled mostly by spite
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So the other night my mom was upstairs on a zoom call with The Council of Retired White Moms (her book club) , my dad was downstairs working out, and my brother and I were cleaning up the kitchen, which obviously requires a soundtrack.
Now, you know how sometimes you’re like “alexa, play [a song]” and she’s like “playing [a totally different song] on TST’s spotify”? or maybe she just decides to play literally nothing instead? My workaround has always been to select the Echo as thr output device in the spotify app. It works like 80% of the time.
As such, when Alexa couldn’t manage to play my great kitchen cleaning jam on the night at issue, I opened spotify, selected the kitchen echo, and pressed play. When the Echo didn’t respond, I just assumed it was just the usual spotify/alexa bullshit... until the screaming began.
This next part is important: there are 32 devices on our network and nobody but me ever names them. So when I’m selecting a device to play spotify on, I have to pick the right speaker out from a long list of random alphanumeric gibberish. I usually guess right, but I do occasionally fuck it up. Accordingly, it came to pass that I had not told Spotify to play my music on the kitchen echo; I had actually selected the iHome in my mom’s office.
Mom originally bought the iHome to play NPR loud enough that she could hear it from any room in the house. It’s not a smart speaker, though, and mom (like the majority of boomers) prefers to use voice commands. Once she got her own Echo, she just basically forgot about the iHome. More importantly, she forgot how to use it, and then, it seems, forgot that it was a speaker system at all - a few weeks prior to the events of this story, I was trying to troubleshoot her computer and had a private and very sensible chuckle to myself when she incidentally referred to it as “that digital clock.”
For the past few years it’s just been lurking silently on her desk next to her laptop.
Waiting.
As a result, when the iHome unexpectedly lurched back to life at its customary maximum volume, neither my mother nor the 25+ other Women of a Certain Age in her book club had any idea of:
a) where the music was coming from, or
b) how to stop it
I had started up the stairs in response to the screaming, but I paused (out of mom’s line of sight) when I realized what was happening.
“STOP IT!” My mom was out of her chair and screaming. “WHAT IS THAT!? NO! ALEXA, STOP IT! ALEXA! STOP PLAYING!”
A greek chorus of distraught book club attendees was echoing her sentiments over the laptop speakers, the monitor displaying the horrified face of each speaker in incredibly rapid succession.
“ALEXA!” My mom shouted at the mesh router point, “MAKE IT STOP! NO! NO! NO!”
(“Did you mean ‘set a timer?’” the Echo in her bedroom asked politely.)
The song, naturally, did not stop, and mom did not think to mute her laptop or pull the power cord from the iHome. Instead, she whirled around several times held her arms out in a sort of T-pose, as if she could physically stop the book club attendees from hearing the song I’d picked out.
I will say this for the iHome - sure, it’s old tech, but even at max volume, the lyrics could be understood with perfect clarity.
Now, this would have probably been funny regardless of the song I had chosen as my kitchen clean-up jam. I know that. But the actual song that my mom’s book club encountered that night is what raises the whole thing from “amusing anecdote” to “genuinely incredible.”
If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I tend to think of myself as a real prankster. A rascal, a scamp, a jester of a woman. I have engineered a few comedic misadventures in my day. But I have to be humble here... what I unintentionally accomplished that night was so much funnier than anything I have ever done on purpose. It was the absolute apex of comedy.
The song I had chosen, dear readers, was WAP.
I am BRIGHT red with laughter
Living in DC right now is really fun because you’ll go to the grocery store for the first time in over a week, see a white man buying tiki torches, and instantly decide that you don’t actually need eggs or milk or fresh produce and hightail it
Living in DC right now is really fun because you’ll clock in at your place of work, which happens to be across the street from one of the city’s largest synagogues, and you’ll see four white bald men with american flag neck buffs as masks and black hoodies walk towards it and you will, for a moment, question whether people are about to die and debate what exactly it is you need to do about it
Living in DC right now is really fun because my family has decided to make the choice to stay in the city and stockpile groceries for the next two weeks. An estimated 20% of the city will be leaving to shelter elsewhere for the week of the inauguration. Any other time in US history, an inauguration draws in Washingtonians and Americans from across the continent. It is supposed to be a celebration of democracy. Instead, we have empty houses and a city preparing for violence waged by non-residents while our streets and our homes pay the cost.
Living in DC is really fun right now because you’ll get woken up at 6:17 am by the sound of humvees driving down your block. They are on their way to secure one of the dozens of streets, bridges, and highways that are being shut down to keep out white supremacists. A soldier in uniform waves good morning while you get your usual order from Dunkin’ Donuts. He has kind eyes behind the mask. You wonder who he voted for.
you know how some animals can come in 2 very different versions? like australian vs america possums, sea vs river otters
My point is, that but w/ domestic vs wild furbies
reblog if the possum on the right is as beautiful as the one on the left
They help me not get sick so of course they’re beautiful
yep! a single possums can eat 5000 ticks (plus cockroaches & other pests) in a season, preventing lyme disease. they’re also immune to rabies, docile, and very hygienic. possums are great animals to have around!
they’re also great moms! here’s a hardworking mama w/ her babes
i love how all of the other platforms are banning Trump while Tumblr is here like
[ID: An image of John Mulaney on stage. He points out toward the camera and says, “I dare you to do it. I want you to do it.” End ID]
let the horse in
If anything, we're famous over here for our ability to beat a dead horse
whats agriculture
THIS
I showed this to my boyfriend and he sprinted to the cupboard and pulled this out
Wild when you know that celestial seasonings is run by a eugenics cult who believe Adam and Eve were aliens meant to eradicate all the dark races.
W H A T ?!
On grocery shelves across the country, adorned with perhaps the least intimidating bear ever, sit seemingly innocent boxes of Sleepytime Tea
Oh….it’s true
This dude is so racist he actually does care if you’re green, blue, orange, or purple
@theycallmeachemistrynerd WHAT THE FUCK
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https://nerdbot.com/2021/01/09/new-pill-bottles-for-shaky-hands-will-help-people-with-parkinsons/
humans can be pretty awesome if given the freedom to be great even if there is no material reward
Ohhh my god. he trying to music like a people
He’s playing the Breath of the Wild soundtrack, don’t disturb him
Shawty got them problematic jeans
She got the whole club cancelling her
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Derry Girls + No Context
I went on this app for the first time in months just to watch this man's content. Please for the love of God go follow him.
