The Will to Change Expansion

"Because patriarchal culture has already taught girls and boys grow up angry with men, angry that they have been denied the love they need to feel whole, worthy, and accepted. Heterosexual girls and homosexual boys can and do become the Women and men who make romantic bonds the place where they quest to find and know male love. They learn then settle for whatever positive attention men are able to give. They learn to overvalued it. They learn to pretend that it is love. They learn how not to speak the truth about men and love. They learn to live the lie. (The Will to Change, 2 )

Think: about what forms of Self Deception you know that you are brining to this process? What are some of the biggest lies youve historically told yourself about yourself that were later proven to be untrue? How can you be more honest with yourself during this personal journey?

"WE learn to love men more because they will not love us. IF they dared to love us, in patriarchal culture they would cease to be real "men". (The Will to Change, 3)

Think: How you would define a "real man"? What is your core definition of manhood? How does a man, as you define him, show love to himself and those around him?

"There is only one emotion that Patriarchy values when expressed by men; that emotion is anger. Real men get mad. AND their mad-ness, no matter how violent or violating, is deemed natural - a positive expression of patriarchal masculinity. Anger is the best hiding place for anybody seeking to conceal pain or anguish of spirit". (The Will to Change, 7)

Think: about how anger and self hate are related? How has how you have felt about yourself historically influenced how you interact with the world? What is 1 thing you can do on a daily basis to demonstrate that you love yourself?

"WE struggle then, in patriarchal culture, all of us, to love men. We may care about males deeply. We may cherish our connections with the men in our lives. And we may desperately feel that we cannot live without their presence, their company. We can feel all these passions in the face of malenessand yet stand removed, keeping the distance Patriarchy has created, maintaining the boundaries we are told not to cross". (The Will to Change, 9)

Think: about how you felt listening to the idea of Black Women divesting from Black Men? What were 3 things in her presentation about Black Men that you agree with? What are 3 things that you disagree with? How should you treat a Black Woman who has made the decision to divest?

"Only a revolution of values in our nation will end male violence, and that revolution will necessarily be based on a loving ethic. To create loving men, we must love males. Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist defined notions of male identity. Caring about men because of what they do for us is not the same as loving males for simply being." ( The Will to Change, 11)

Think: What dies a revolution of values look like with regards to men, masculinity,and love? What are the existing values that have historically been in place? How and why do these values need to change?

"Everyone who tries to create love with an emotionally unaware partner suffers. Self-help books galore tell us that we cannot change anyone but ourselves. Of course they never answer question of what will motivate males in a patriarchal culture who have been taught that to love emasculated them to change, to choose love, when the choice means that they must stand against Patriarchy, against the tyranny of the familiar". (The Will to Change, 15)

Think: at what points in your life have you been in survival mode? How do you treat other people when you are in this mode? What is 1 things that you can do each day to practice emotional awareness?

"Ultimately boys and men save themselves when they learn the art of loving" (The Will to Change, 16)

Think: about how you can interrupt yourself when you are on auto-pilot. What is 1 thing you can do to operate in the here and now to be more present and active in manifesting your desired outcome? What is 1 new way that you can use your mind to help solve your problems?

"Patriarchy is a political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak, especially females, and endowed with the right to dominate and rule over the weak and to maintain that dominance through various forms of psychological terrorism and violence" (The Will to Change, 18).

Think: What does this poem say about how Women experience Patriarchy? What would you say are the attributes of Patriarchy based on this poem? How do you think these attributes impact men differently than Women?

"Psychotherapist John Bradshaws clear-sighted definition of patriarchy in Creating Love is a useful one: "The dictionary defines patriarchy as a social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family in both domestic and religous functions... Patriarchy is charecterized by male domination and power" (The Will to Change, 23).

Think: In what areas of life should a Woman be obedient to a man with regards to relationship dynamics? Why? What authority figures do you submit to in life? From where do these authority figures derive their power? What compels your submission to these authorities and why should a Woman submit to a man?

"We need need to highlight the role Women play perpetuating and sustaining patriarchal culture so that we will recognize Patriarchy as a system Women and men support equally, even if men receive more rewards from that system. Dismantling and changing patriarchal culture is work men and Women must do together" (The Will to Change, 24).

Think: What are some of the fundamental ways Black Women are negatively impacted by White Supremacist Patriarchy? What are some of the ways Black men are negatively impacted by White Supremacist Patriarchy? How can Understanding intersectionality help Black Women and men to work together to dismantle both?

"Citizens in this nation fear challenging Patriarchy even as they lack overt awareness that they are fearful, so deeply embedded in our collective unconscious are the rules of patriarchy. I often tell audiences that if we were to go door to door asking if we should end make violence against Women, most people would give their unequivocal support. Then if we only told them we could stop male violence against Women by ending male domination, by eradicating Patriarchy, they would begin to hesitate, to change their position." (The Will to Change, 29).

Think: Do you fear challenging Patriarchy? Why? What negative consequences do you think you might encounter as a result of challenging Patraiarchy? What reasons do you have to challenge it anyway?

"Patriarchy as a system has denied males access to full emotional well-being, which is not the same as feeling rewarded, successful, or powerful because of one's capacity to assert control over others. To truly address male pain and male crisis we must as a nation be willing to expose the harsh reality that Patriarchy has damaged men in the past and continues to damage in the present. If Patriarchy were truly rewarding to men, the violence and addiction in family life would not exist." (The Will to Change, 31)

Think: What would be the affects to your mind and body if the only emotion you were allowed to express was anger? What were the major milestones in your journey to manhood? How did those experiences shape your personal definition for manhood?

"The crisis facing men is not the crisis of masculinity, it is the crisis of patriarchal masculinity. Until we make this distinction clear, men will continue to fear that any critique of Patriarchy represents a threat." (The Will to Change, 32)

Think: What are the benefits of Patriarchy that the average working man in America appears to be entitled to? What are the burdens that the average working man in America appears to face in a Patriarchal Society? Do you believe that there are benefits that the average working Woman enjoys in a Patriarchal society and if so what are they? Do you believe that there are burdens that the average working Woman is faced with in a Patriarchal society and if so what are they? How do you think Patriarchy impacts people who are transgender or gender non-conforming?

"To end male pain, to respond effectively to male crisis, we have to name the problem. We have to both acknowledge that the problem is Patriarchy and work to end Patriarchy. Terrance Real offers this valuable insight: "The reclamation of wholeness is a process even more fraught for men that it has been for Women, more difficult and more threatening to the culture at large". If men are to reclaim the essential goodness of male being, if they are to regain the space of open heartedness and emotional expressiveness that is the foundation of well being, we must envision alternatives to patriarchal masculinity. We must all change." (The Will to Change; 33)