TheWhoopsOfBeingPoly

The Bechdel Test

Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass (via amargedom)

So. Here’s the thing. Given a cursory glance and applying today’s worldview to the song, yes, you’re right, it absolutely *sounds* like a rape anthem. 

BUT! Let’s look closer! 

“Hey what’s in this drink” was a stock joke at the time, and the punchline was invariably that there’s actually pretty much nothing in the drink, not even a significant amount of alcohol.

See, this woman is staying late, unchaperoned, at a dude’s house. In the 1940’s, that’s the kind of thing Good Girls aren’t supposed to do — and she wants people to think she’s a good girl. The woman in the song says outright, multiple times, that what other people will think of her staying is what she’s really concerned about: “the neighbors might think,” “my maiden aunt’s mind is vicious,” “there’s bound to be talk tomorrow.” But she’s having a really good time, and she wants to stay, and so she is excusing her uncharacteristically bold behavior (either to the guy or to herself) by blaming it on the drink — unaware that the drink is actually really weak, maybe not even alcoholic at all. That’s the joke. That is the standard joke that’s going on when a woman in media from the early-to-mid 20th century says “hey, what’s in this drink?” It is not a joke about how she’s drunk and about to be raped. It’s a joke about how she’s perfectly sober and about to have awesome consensual sex and use the drink for plausible deniability because she’s living in a society where women aren’t supposed to have sexual agency.

Basically, the song only makes sense in the context of a society in which women are expected to reject men’s advances whether they actually want to or not, and therefore it’s normal and expected for a lady’s gentleman companion to pressure her despite her protests, because he knows she would have to say that whether or not she meant it, and if she really wants to stay she won’t be able to justify doing so unless he offers her an excuse other than “I’m staying because I want to.” (That’s the main theme of the man’s lines in the song, suggesting excuses she can use when people ask later why she spent the night at his house: it was so cold out, there were no cabs available, he simply insisted because he was concerned about my safety in such awful weather, it was perfectly innocent and definitely not about sex at all!) In this particular case, he’s pretty clearly right, because the woman has a voice, and she’s using it to give all the culturally-understood signals that she actually does want to stay but can’t say so. She states explicitly that she’s resisting because she’s supposed to, not because she wants to: “I ought to say no no no…” She states explicitly that she’s just putting up a token resistance so she’ll be able to claim later that she did what’s expected of a decent woman in this situation: “at least I’m gonna say that I tried.” And at the end of the song they’re singing together, in harmony, because they’re both on the same page and they have been all along.

greeting cards

checks

pictures (so many pictures)

used and unused band-aids

leaves

bacon (do not use bacon)

other books

a key

pokemon/yu-gi-oh!/MTG cards

x-rays

coupons

flyers for past events

library cards

social security cards (…don’t)

food wrappers (yeah, don’t)

dvds

From: http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2017/10/01/three-sure-fire-ways-to-build-trust-in-polyamorous-relationships/ 

I’ve read a few comments from some people going polyamorous lately — specifically people whose partners are starting new relationships, and I am noticing a trend that is so very easily fixable that I just have to write an article about it.

You see, they agree to something, then they tie themselves in knots to accept things that have nothing to do with what they thought they were agreeing to. They’re upset, feeling bad about themselves for somehow being deficient emotionally and just plain not doing well.

You, the person who has a new relationship? I know you love your partner and you don’t want them to feel this way, so I am going to give you some pointers on how you can build trust and a comfort zone for your partner as you’re enjoying a new partner.

1. Set Expectations Clearly and Specifically

This one can be one of the biggest problems. Let’s say you’ve got a date and you’re looking forward to it. You’re going to be going out on Friday evening and coming back Saturday morning, so you say so.

Now, lemme ask something: Are you leaving at 5 in the evening right after work on Friday and coming back at 11:59 on Saturday only to be shocked to find an anxious and upset partner?

You might feel indignant about it. You didn’t lie. Technically, you were correct, and you certainly did what you said you were going to do. So why is your partner upset?

“I’m going to go on a date Friday evening and come back Saturday morning,” is crap for setting an expectation when someone is new to polyamory, it really is. “I’m going on a date after work and am going to be coming back close to Noon on Saturday” is saying the same thing you intended, but is much, much more accurate.

Clear expectations are sure to make your partner feel more comfortable.

2. Be Present When You’re with Your Partner

If you’re physically with your partner and texting your New Love, your partner is not going to feel very valued. If you are giving your time to a partner, you need to be fully present during that period. If you’re not intending to give that time, be clear about that, too.

It’s not that you can’t have time to yourself or that you shouldn’t need it if you’re polyamorous. I’m writing this article right now in the living room of a hotel suite while my husband is reading comic books. But when we went out for coffee, our phones stayed in our pockets, and we were talking to each other.

A former boyfriend of mine once commented that since time is all he has (it’s all any of us have) that when he is spending time with a partner, he feels like it is a personal gift of himself. I still remember those lunchtime coffee dates and long walks with great fondness because he was REALLY THERE when we were together.

Don’t just do that for your new loves. Do that for the old ones, too.

3. Only agree to what you intend to follow through on

It’s quite natural when confronted with someone who is upset to want to say something to soothe them down as soon as possible. I get it. You’re a kind person, and you hate to see someone hurting.

The thing is, this is foolishness.

My husband’s greatest strength and his greatest weakness is the fact that he likes people to be happy and relaxed around him. It comes from a place of love and kindness but can get really screwed up when the focus is on soothing down rather than on being honest.

In fact, it pretty damn near put paid to our relationship when he would agree to things when he perceived me to be upset that he didn’t really want to do or want to follow through on. I could never feel comfortable on the follow through the part.

Yes, we did work it out. But learn from this. Only agree to what you genuinely intend to do.