The Whispering Escapes

The scientific versions of this make me feel very glad that I’m no longer a lab rat, as the life-defining version of this for me was when I was a young lab rat tasked with tracking down an extremely defrosted armadillo from Texas.

When the consignment of armadillo parts - decorously placed upon dry ice, in accordance with the finest scientific principles - was shipped to a young British scientist and summarily lost in transit, it was one of those academic problems. You know what I mean by that. That means: Problems that only happen to academics.

The late armadillo was too late. Despite earnest emails promising that it had arrived a few days before, this was meant in a sort of spiritual sense, and what you might refer to as the “material” aspect of the dead armadillo manifested many days later. This was the subject of some fraught discussions between the ivory tower and the US Navy, who said rather stiffly that they had shipped a dead armadillo in perfectly sensible dead condition to us, and had no idea why the American postal service had interpreted their instructions as “send the dead armadillo on a quirky little road trip and lie about it.”

Intense discussions about the dead armadillo revealed the US Navy had no sense of humour about Schrödinger’s Armadillo (“we sent you a dead armadillo, and have washed our hands of any downstream issues”) as well as their rather uptight announcement that they would not be sending us any more free dead armadillos unless we could prove that WE were not in the habit of carelessly losing them. The implication being that this important military armadillo corpse had been lost entirely because the postal service had received it in a spirit of unbecoming whimsy, and this was the fault of Elodie, lab rat and designated representative of the United States Postal Service. As the military arm of the imperial core are naturally the primary suppliers of high-quality scientifically reliable dead armadillos, this censorious and frankly ungenerous cooling-off was a topic of some consternation.

Elodie, a very young person at the time, who rather fancied the British postdoc who looked so enthralling in riding breeches, was thus tasked with tremulously arguing with the Navy about how grateful we were for everything, but how fresh armadillos were far more academically interesting, while we were on the topic, if they didn’t mind, and if they could spare another one, if we promised not to allow the mail to become whimsical.!

The academically interesting part of the metaphysical armadillo was eventually run to ground significantly after the point at which the dry ice had become academic. The state of the armadillo inside the box at that point was an extremely academic problem. The late armadillo had become so late that it had surpassed biological interest, yet had not quite entered the realm of palaeontological significance. It was, however, a stage of lateness that was officially Too Late. It smelled of an unusual kind of death, simultaneously pork and mouse.

As the most junior of junior lab rats, it fell on me at the time to sneak the box into the medical waste in someone else’s laboratory (as is only honourable.)

I think you should wear the brace, take the nap, ask for help, accept help joyfully, I think you should use the cane, the chair, you should sit down

I think you should put a cool or warm or one then the other cloth wet and clean against your face and focus on the temperature and if things align to allow it the aroma, and if not, then the cloth, I think you should focus on the weight, the texture,

again

the tempreture

to help

you relax.

I think you should take the ibuprofen. The asprin. The thing that works, for you, when you have this pain, that is available, handy, in your purse, in my purse, in someone's bag, in your bag, in my bag, we hand it to you, fetch you water. You thank me, them, yourself, for the water and manners are lovely and your appreciation is felt even if you do not thank them because

right now

talking is

the

last

thing.

I think you should buy the pre-cut pre-cooked just reheat just warm up just eat as is just sorted and I think you should remove the word "just" from these sentences you say to yourself as this is vitamins and minerals and carbohydrates and proteins and fats and the mechanics of being feeding your body and I think if you can adjust it to make it tastier than you should

salt butter cheese chocolate little snips to help

I think you should understand that most things in this world are neutral. Embracing neutral aids are good, so, neutral positive.

I think you should accept the weight of your feelings and scribble and draw and yell and sing and cry and howl and then sit and rest and watch a movie or listen to a song or read a book or read a blog or read a story and allow the cold comfort of the anger and angst

and think the weight of the unfair and cruel burning in you powering the furnace should be allowed a winter's night's chill

and then allowed to quiet as the sun rises again

funny, that, the sun, it rises on days of horror and days of sublime

i think you should wear the brace, actually, because your wrist hurts, and it is a brace, it is metal and fabric and velcro so some kind of plastic

it is not a crime, that you got away with, that haunts your steps, will they catch you, wearing the brace, you've lived twenty years since needing a brace, you're sure to be caught now, sheriff on your heels, the law just around the corner, everything bound to be ruined, soon as they find out

i think you should wear the brace because it is a brace and it will lessen the pain and you are in pain

and

justification is not needed

this is reason

alone

i think i should say that again

justification

is not needed

this is reason

and it alone

is more than enough

i think you should wear the comfortable clothes and you should wrap tight the comfortable blanket and open the windows to let in the comfortable air and i think that you should take a measuring cup and figure out if a few hours of sleep or gaming or reading or art or just being alive quietly would help you and if it does then dip the cup into the pool of time and i think you should drink it, allow it to settle, and experience it

i think you should experience softness

as often

as possible

i think if the pre-sliced single orange costs as much as the bag of oranges but the pre-sliced single orange allows you to dig your teeth into this freshness, this preserved sunshine

then the monetary cost is the cheapest price on this earth

i think you should wear the brace

and embrace the neutrality of things

i think you should be comfortable

i hope you are comfortable

i hope as i pass i can run a single finger along the length of your arm to remind you i hope you are comfortable

and

that

i am here,

for you,

I think what a lot of people underestimate is just how much road there is in your city. And just how many directions the crew gets pulled.

For our city of around 50k people there are 8 of us.

Also, crack sealing is a wholly temporary measure, meant to slow the break-up of the roads, it’s not a permanent fix.

Roads tend to get closed for months on end because we have to tear the whole thing up, then, depending on the class of road, we either have to hammer-drill into concrete to lay rebar and the pour concrete, or we can get straight to paving. If it’s a road requiring concrete we’re required to wait at least 24 hours for it to set.

So after 2 days we’re finally able to pave. But the city allocates one (two if we’re lucky) 5 ton truck to transport material.

A relatively short paving job requires at a minimum of 60 tons. So that’s 12 trips to the asphalt factory and back. Each ton is around $80.

TL;DR

Amazon made their service worse, to force people to pay for Prime.

Nowadays, if you order from Amazon, there is a week long delay before your package is shipped. (on purpose)

I remember when orders would ship out the same day. (I remember - it was real)

YouTube didn't used to have ads. Now, ads play in the middle of videos. (it's worse than TV ever was)

The best can opener I have owned is over 40 years old. Modern ones just don't hold up as well. (The ones I bought new broke ages ago)

The bread machine my mom got for her wedding lasted 30 years. It's been replaced twice in the last 5 years. (How can you fuck this up?)

The cardboard tubes in the middle of toilet paper rolls have gotten larger. (This too?) Companies increasing the price of the product while selling you less. (REALLY?)

It sounds crazy. (it's the truth) When you talk about it, YOU sound crazy. (it's true)

Even when people believe you (do they really), all they can say is "it sucks". (it's too big) Because the problem is so big, so pervasive, what can we even DO about it???

To get the necessary laws written and passed, we need politicians, to get the politicians elected we need information campaigns, to fund campaigns we need money, and all the money is being hoarded by the people profiting from enshittification. (it sounds so fake)

>random guy #1 calls her ugly

>random guy #2 calls her dumb