To the bone

05/23/2018 The ramifications of this disease overwhelm my whole being. I feel my bones slowly pulverize with each passing day this disease engulfs me. It won't cease until it's satisfied; when the scale reads 0.

I spend days in bed debilitated by loss I attempt to cry you back but the water is done and still you have not returned. I pinch my belly till it bleeds, have lost count of the days, sun becomes moon and moon becomes sun and I become ghost. A dozen different thoughts tear through me each second. You must be on your way, perhaps it’s best if you’re not. I am okay no I am angry yes I hate you. Maybe I can’t move on, I will forgive you. I want to rip my hair out over and over and over again till my mind exhausts itself into a silence. Yesterday the rain tried to imitate my hands by running down your body. I ripped the sky apart for allowing it. In order to fall asleep I have to imagine your body crooked behind mine, spoon ladled into spoon, till I can hear your breath. I have to recite your name till you answer and we have a conversation only then can my mind drift off to sleep. It isn’t what we left behind that breaks me, it’s what we could’ve built had we stayed.