the void (for screaming) @thevoidforscreaming - Tumblr Blog

i want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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3 hrs notice lmaoooooooo

I didn't!!!

I'm still fucking here damnit!!! That was YOUR choice!!! Fuck!!!

holy fucking shit do i wanna die today or what

I have one thing left from you

Or, from who you used to be

I don't remember your face, or the hug you gave me

Or anything, really

Can someone be in love with the outline of a memory?

Is that what this is?

Would it upset you to know I kept it

Treasured it

Even when I lost almost everything else

I hope not. But

It doesn't matter does it?

We're out of each other's light cones

And that's how you want it

Maybe how you always wanted it

So many light years away

So many other stars between us

Good luck

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me: *goes to bed so i dont have to stay awake anymore* also me: *gets up so i dont have to sleep anymore*

so normally if i feel this way (desperately wanting something but not knowing what) id turn to sex and food and, once both had failed to satisfy me in any way at all, wish i were dead

but why be so inefficient! tonight im gonna accept that they wont help and jump straight to wishing i was dead :P

cant believe "no hormones and can't shave" had to line up with "first time ever having an irl person who introduces me to strangers as she regardless of context" like what the fuck is my life im so tired

helicoidcyme

sometimes a girls gotta fail to force herself to eat, fail to understand vector multiplication, and wish she was dead instead of sleeping and thats just how it be

if i cut my nuts off will it Stop

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thevoidforscreaming

Welp

out of hormones, no health insurance, no way to get health insurance, not excited about the. future.

thevoidforscreaming

My mood is Hell, I get hardons again, I hate this I hate this I hate this

Me: goes out, finds the cat, catches her, brings her back

These Two: still standing in the same spot arguing over whose fault it was she got out

Welp

out of hormones, no health insurance, no way to get health insurance, not excited about the. future.

Also while I'm here

God damn it I thought I had fucking one person I could trust to be honest with me fuck!

So I'm looking at what seems to be a pattern

1. Meet someone who needs support

2. I like being needed! I provide support

3. It's not healthy to depend on just one person! I work on helping them build their own supports/diversify

4. As soon as they don't need me, they realize they also don't want me

5. Ouch

Now in theory I could solve this by skipping 3, but I'm not gonna do that. So I guess I need to learn how to make myself wanted, rather than like. Being the only person around who'll listen lmao

(to be clear this is all totally sincere! I get that "being around consistently" isn't actually much of a selling point if there's other options, and that people should absolutely have other options!)

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the aliens w obvious tech and social structure are "it" but the fucking stuffed monkey is "he" but g-d forbid i wanna be called "it" bc that's dehumanizing

im watching a show where there's this person who like. is in this weirdly intimate but not explicitly romantic relationship with someone else and they give them a fuck ton of unconditional help and support with minimal expressed appreciation and it's just extremely one way devotion? and i caught myself wishing i could have that so yikes

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