The Unseen Hours

Yet I’m “not sick enough” for a tube

I’ve not ate for weeks and liquids reject

But my bloods aren’t low enough for help

I’m inside a body that is slowly failing

But also nervous, I’m not well at the minute at all. I can barely stay stood up. I know I need hospital care but I just want to make it through this one day, that will be my accomplishment!

Even though I won’t be able to dance, drink the cocktails I’ll be making, or eat the buffet I’m doing I just hope she enjoys it.

2 bags of fluids later and I feel a bit better, I wish it wasn’t temporary.

Some may think I’m crazy but I’m doing everything in my power to avoid admission until the 15th of June as that’s when my girlfriends surprise birthday celebrations (I planned) are over. I pray I can stay out till them 🙏🏽

I’m rapidly loosing weight, having less then 300cals per day, dehydrated, malnourished, vomiting after everything I try, and so much more.

Why is the NHS so bad at preventative care?

I have literally been told by A&E staff

“your kidneys aren’t failing… yet”

None of my clothes fit anymore, my hairs coming out in clumps, I fall over like a sack of potatoes, and I have to carry my sick bowl everywhere I go.

I wanted to be better for my girlfriend’s birthday but instead I’ll potentially miss it while I’m hospitalised for my tube placement.

Sleep feels impossible lately. Waiting to be admitted feels cruel in a way that’s difficult to explain. At any moment the phone could ring, and with the drop of a hat, life as I know it pauses.

When my mind won’t switch off, I find myself thinking about how much an NJ tube is going to change things. I know it’s something I need, but that doesn’t stop it feeling isolating.

I went to a family dinner recently and couldn’t order a single thing. Sitting there while everyone else ate made me feel like an outsider looking in on a normal life that I can’t quite reach anymore.

Then come the questions.

“Why are you so thin?”

“Why aren’t you eating?”

I know people are usually asking because they care, but it still drains me. Every explanation feels like reopening a wound. It forces me to confront, again and again, just how little control I have over my own body right now.

Tonight is one of those nights where everything feels heavy.

So I thought I’d write it down.

Maybe that’s what this space is for—the thoughts that are hardest to carry alone.