Un-Luckey

Our first phone conversation

left my stomach with an unknown feeling 

Butterflies with a dash of hope

I wanted to hold on longer, just in case you turn out to good to be true

Even though when the line went dead I knew that wasn’t the case

My love is a sweet talker

You are the first woman to express 

wanting something long-term in the future

Express wanting a partner who can not only give love,  

but receive love as well

To know that someone has your back and your best intentions at heart

The ability to not just listen to respond but listen to understand 

While going through life together as individuals who care so much about each other, that they thrive off each others energy and create something beautiful

I have planned and wanted a future with many others, who unfortunately became strangers and something of the past, as quick as they came

Ups and downs are just apart of life, I don’t expect anything perfect 

But, I sense something in you. Something so special. 

It makes me happy that your past lovers messed up but not too happy because I hate that a kind heart like yours was ever put in a situation that wasn’t filled with love and security

You asked me. 

“What do you want out of this relationship?”

The answer is simple, just you. I’ve been waiting for someone like you, love.

I’m ready to give you the love you truly deserve and I’m ready for all that is to come.

How am I supposed to feel? 

When I'm in this situation How can I move forward? I don't doubt my ability to survive One to many times did I find myself at war To live or not to live Was the only question that rang through my mind like the siren of a police car Warning me that something unpleasant is coming my way

For years, I have struggled While just recently did I realize that I am my mind, body, and soul I control everything and those things that I cannot control Are not worthy of being compared to something as significant as my life I know that now Isn't that so fucking awesome?! Before, I would let negative forces completely overpower anything remotely positive in this life I apologize for that

I wake up every morning and I know that's a blessing from my ancestors who fought and worked so hard No matter how the day goes or night falls I fight hard because I know that It was all for my survival I thank you for that

I will continue to grow I will continue to love I will continue to be open I will continue to be kind I will continue to be strong

Everything was not in vain because I am YOU and I know I can overcome anything within due time. After all this time, I have finally realized I'm not alone and I will continue to live this beautiful life.

Thank you

I feel like I’ve been preparing myself 

to create the perfect pallet since I was a child.

Grab the blanket,

Take a sheet,

Find a pillow,

Oh, there’s a throw

Where’s my puppy?

Found!

Pull the blanket back

Lay down

Place the sheet over my body

Rest my head on the pillow

Cover up with the same blanket

Wrap my arms around my puppy 

Ask me, how did I get here?

But, I’ve always been here,

this is my childhood home.

All they want is my body.

Constantly craving my body.

Wanting to touch my body.

With or without my permission,

another body is on mine.

What is it about this body 

that makes me feel like nobody?

He hurt me.

The old me.

The one who thought that being open to love could cause no harm

It sounds so naive now

The possibility of loving someone that has no intentions of hurting you

Over and over again

It felt like I was living in an endless cycle of torture

I couldn’t even tell you how things turned so red

Red at the back of my throat

Red burning across my vision

Just like my insides as they began to spill out onto the floor

Until it dried a deep dark red

I went to places I didn’t even want to be

I road right in the passenger seat with the devil behind the wheel

Going beyond 100 mph

Yet, no one could stop him and no one could save me

I couldn’t save me

The memories slowly began to haunt me

They followed me in and out of my dreams

I began to confuse my reality

“You’re disgusting.”

“Why did you let this happen?”

“You’re pathetic.”

“You either dress like a bum or a slut.”

“Who gave you fucking permission?”

“I love you. I’m sorry.”

I just wanted to scream

But I was chained down and forced to believe that this was the only life meant for me

I almost folded and caved into the darkness 

that had its hand placed on my shoulder

While he stood in my house tearing me down

“But, you chose him. You loved him. Right?

Wrong.

The old me thought it was love

In reality, I was so afraid of never having anyone to give or receive love to

I found comfort in an Azhi Dahaka 

Who was bold and paraded around like an untouchable being

While behind closed doors he was forcing women to bend their bodies to his will

“What are you doing?

“Just trust me.”

I don’t want to do that just yet.

“It’s okay. I won’t hurt you.”

“Can’t you stop?”

“Don’t you love me? This is how I show my love.”

What did he do to you?

Nothing.

Thinking about the Gemini 

that blew my mind, along with my insides

Hearts racing, toes curling

Never felt such ecstasy before

The fire that had been dim, on the verge of going out

Now, is burning with fury and passion

It’s almost dangerous

How close I am to the edge

All because I want another taste of her lips

I approach the day with a clear mindset

Since my departure

Life has continuously yanked me by the throat

and told me to shut up, just listen

Everything I once knew has lost its significance

Now I must start over and take my first steps, 

in this world

all over again

Do we come back to each other?

Yes. 

Why? 

I love her.

Regardless of the emotional trauma and abuse I’ve been through;

I see the light at the end of the tunnel in her.

This light can be intimidating, I’ve never felt like this before.

Sometimes the fear will settle in the back of my head and before I know I’m running.

Running towards the comfort of the darkness and neglecting the light that has shown up before me.

But my heart put up a fight this time.

Reminding me of all the moments we had, the words that were spoken, and  the love that was shared.

My entire being moved with one goal and that was to go find her, my light.

Only when I turned around, it was too late.

She’s gone without a trace.

I need some peace at mind

I can barely sleep at night

Something is haunting my dreams and it can only see me

Running out of fear in particular direction

I’m stuck in this dark dimension

Not a single sensation can bring me back to my senses

Hello theunluckeyblog readers. 

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted and I feel the need to let you know a little on the inside of the writer behind the blog has been on fire. I usually beat around the bush when it comes to things like this but I feel like being blunt.

My mental health is trash

I wanted to die

My family life is broken

My mother reading my journal 

Privacy invaded

I was kicked out of my home

For being gay and grown

Living with the best friend I’ve ever had, a true angel

Met a Gemini, left a Gemini

Working hard to get on my own two feet, 40+hrs a week to prove that

Doing the things that make me happy

Reading, music, and WRITING

That pretty much is the watered down version of my life right now.

Tell me, how has life been treating you?

How do you not see what’s right in front of you?

Why did it take you invading my privacy to understand me?

You’re not able to comprehend 

the simplest forms of speech

Yet, you have the most words

Words that must be spoken 

Words that must be heard

If it’s not falling from your lips

the meaning is insignificant 

Now the one way I used to cope

with the chaos around me is gone

Just like the words

that never got the chance to leave my lips

All I really crave in life is a heart to hold

Something to feel real

Not just another lie I’m told

You can’t just be a figment of my imagination

You have to be real