The younger boy rolls his eyes for a second time, throwing his head back in frustration. ‘‘ UGH, can we not fucking do this right now? why does it matter anyway, I’m not in juvie, and i’m not going to juvie anytime soon so can we just skip the bullshit lecture?. ’’ he stands up, digging his hands into his pocket. ‘‘ i’m gonna get an earful at home anyway, i don’t need anyone else putting in their two cents, especially not you. ’’

He hadn’t known who to call, he could have called his MOM and have her miss work, he could have called his DAD and have the shit beaten out of him, he could have called KATS DAD, but that would’ve been a bit weird, so he had only really been left with one option ; JOSH. He really didn’t want to have to call on his brother, but what choice did he have? So here he was, sitting on the dark chairs by reception, waiting for josh to come and bring him home. The moment the door opened, he rolled his eyes ‘‘ Whatever it is you’re going to say, don’t bother.’’

@theturnerman​

DANNY was restless, he was sick of being in the hospital, he was tired of NURSES and tests. He had spoken to THREE social workers and A WOMAN who ran a rehabilitation centre. At this point, he suspected he wasn’t being discharged because they either believed his father’s story and wanted to make sure he get HELP, or they didn’t, and they suspected something darker was going on.  Either way, by the morning of his third day, he was growing more and more agitated by the minute. His father was off doing god knows what, his mother at work, his siblings at school. With nothing to do, and no one to talk to, he scrolled aimlessly through his Instagram feed, not bothering to look up when the door creaked open, assuming it would just be another nurse. he certainly didn’t expect Josh. ‘‘ Oh, hey, it’s fine. ’’ he says awkwardly, tucking his phone under his pillow. ‘‘ so have you heard? apparently, I’m like, a full-blown CRACK ADDICT now. ’’ it’s a bad attempt to lighten the mood. 

Danny can’t help but ROLL his eyes, he doesn’t understand why Josh is seemingly determined to keep the trash pumpkin. ‘‘ If you want to do that, do it, it’s your funeral,’’ he says with a shrug, ‘‘ just don’t blame ME when Dad loses his shit. ’’

     Josh always thought Halloween was a great holiday. He liked that people could dress up and be whatever they wanted to be. Sometimes he wished he could actually become some of the costumes he’d picked, but it was impossible. Although not everyone shared his sentiment. Halloween was Josh’s favorite holiday because there’s no way Christmas was ever a good holiday. “He’s not going to kill me over a pumpkin and if you don’t think I can take him, you’re wrong.” He couldn’t and Danny knew that. “Nothing’s gonna keep my spirit down this Halloween. Not even the king of the grumps.” 

Danny had to give Josh some credit, he was still here, which was a surprise, and he did seem to be making SOME soft of effort to amend the mistakes of the past, but still, Danny, in true Danny fashion, was NOT going to admit that. He still held a lot of ANGER towards his brother, but at least they were on speaking terms now. He looks at the pumpkin for a moment, he doesn’t think they’ve ever had a pumpkin over the Halloween period. ‘‘ I mean, sure, it’d look good, but Dad won’t want it. He doesn’t want anything out that’ll attract trick or treaters. ’’

     Just as their mom had suspected, Danny was eventually coming around. There was still clear tension between Josh and Danny, but every day seemed to have more progress between the two of them. At least Danny was talking to him again. No one knew the truth about why he was back though and he planned on keeping it that way. “Okay, but what if we put it in the window?” he asked, making face while still holding the pumpkin. “I don’t think one pumpkin will attract trick or treaters.” Especially not their house. 

     It had been some time since being home and it was... an adjustment. He’d forgotten just how terrible being home was, but he was determined to stick around. Josh had searched around and gotten a job at one of the places at the mall. The job sucked, but he was making money and since he didn’t have a car, he got to save up more of the money. The Turner’s empty fridge at least got filled with food more often. Josh had still been keeping a low profile with his siblings, trying not to disturb them as much as he possibly could. He was holding a pumpkin when Danny walked up. “I rescued this from someone’s trashcan across town, but do you think it would look good on the porch?” 

His heart race has come back down and he feels somewhat calmer, the anger is still there, but he’s also EXHAUSTED, too exhausted to fight anymore. ‘‘ I’d avoid dad for a few days, if you can. He’s gonna be PISSED if he sees you, and I’ll be the one that has to deal with it. ’’

    “Yeah... yeah. Okay.” Josh didn’t know where else he was supposed to go. He was obviously going to avoid his dad. “Where’s mom?” he asked. She’d be safer to see and he missed his mom. “I’m... you can call me if you need me.”   

Kathy shakes her head furiously ‘‘ don’t be silly, you don’t need to apologize, you just did what you had to do. I understand. ’’ her voice is low, warm, and her hand reaches over to squeeze his. ‘‘ as long as I’m here, you’ll always have somewhere to stay, Joshua. Don’t worry about that. and don’t worry about Danny, he’ll come around. he’ll just need time, but he’ll get there. he always does. ’’

     Josh didn’t agree. He didn’t think that he was ever going to get forgiveness from his brother, even if his mom said so. “Of course I need to apologize. I wasn’t... I wasn’t there for you or  anyone. And I... disappeared.” He looked at his  mom. “I know I can stay here. But... I... just...” Josh didn’t know what he was supposed to say. He couldn’t admit what a failure he was when he left. “Are you sure he’s going to forgive me?” 

His back is against the door and his feet are still frozen.  he wants to walk away, he wants to open the kitchen door, walk down the hall, open the front door and just leave. but that would be hypocritical, wouldn’t it? Instead, he looks his brother in the eyes for the first time, really looks at him. ‘‘ You’re not forgiven. ’’ but its not said with venom, or even with much confidence. ‘‘ but if you insist on staying, you’re not sleeping in the fucking bedroom with us. the bathtub is free. and fuck you. ’’ the last bit wasn’t necessary, but he felt like he needed it.

     “Danny, please,” he pleaded. There was no changing his brother’s mind. Right now he was just going to have to prove that he was going to be there. He didn’t know how long that was going to take, but it was the only option. “I...” he sighed. “I do love you.” 

‘‘ I suppose it hasn’t been, has it? well, you know what it’s like here, days tend to feel longer. ’’ She says softly, gesturing to a chair at the table. ‘‘ me? oh, same as always. Truthfully, not much has changed. How long have you been back? have you seen your siblings yet? or your father?’’ 

     Josh took a seat at the table. All he wanted was for things to go back to normal. “I’m sorry, mom,” he mumbled. He really wanted things to have changed for his mom. And for his family. Maybe one day they would. “Um, a few days. I...” he sighed. “I don’t really have anywhere to stay. And I...” Josh trailed off, looking down at the ground. “I messed up. Danny’s not going to forgive me.” 

Olivia knew there was nothing she could say that would change the fact that he had left. They were all much too young to have to deal with the things that life thrust upon them so, while she was angry, she really couldn’t blame him for vanishing the way he did “It’s been hard for him, you know?” She didn’t really know what to say to him anymore, it had been so long since he had left. “Since you left” She finished, making sure he knew the impact he had on his family “He’s gonna be angry- you should be prepared for that. Little fucker is basically a chihuahua”

     Josh felt like maybe he should just turn around and pretend he wasn’t here anymore. He could run and just, he didn’t know. Male strippers were a thing and that might at least be a better option than dealing with his siblings. “Yeah, well... I don’t know what I was supposed to do about that. He could have come with me.” He could have, but Josh knew he would have never left. “It was difficult for me too.” Josh wasn’t here to complain. “And I know he’s going to be angry. I expect him to be. Some things never change.” 

It’s not about you. The words echo round his head. He wants to believe it. He so wants to believe it, but can’t. it wasn’t about him, about them, what was it about? ‘‘ you just … you don’t get it do you? We didn’t .. I didn’t need you to do anything, or to fix it, or to be a here. I just, I needed you to be here. That was enough. ’’ it comes out quiet, barely a whisper, ‘‘ but you weren’t. You weren’t here and it all got so much worse. And now you’re going to leave again, I know you are, you’re gonna leave all over again. ’’ he can’t look at him, the tears still falling, fat, ugly, silent tears. Danny only ever cried from anger or frustration. This was different, this felt like grief.

     He didn’t even want to tell Danny about how badly he failed when he moved away. All he wanted to do was for his brother to forgive him. Josh knew that was not going to happen any time soon. “Danny... I’m sorry.” It was all he could say. Nothing was going to make this better and if Danny wanted to hate him, then he was going to hate him. There wasn’t much he could do to stop that. “I’m not going to leave.” 

She wraps her skinny arms around him, hand around his head, her baby. ‘‘ I missed you, we all did. ’’ she says quietly, ‘‘ but I understand. ’’ the mother doesn’t elaborate. she doesn’t feel like she needs to. She understands why he left, why he needed to get out. she’s not angry about that. ‘‘ let me look at you. ’’ she steps back, hands still on his shoulders. He’s tall, practically TOWERING over her. but he looks good, he looks healthy. ‘‘  you’re so grown up. ’’

     He really wished that Danny was just as thankful to see him, but he understood why. “I missed you too,” he muttered, hugging his mother back. He really wished that things were different for his family. His mom deserved so much more than a shitty husband and himself. “It hasn’t been that long.” Josh didn’t want to let go of his mother. “Momma.” He looked at her. “How are you?” 

When he feels the other let go, Danny is able to breathe, if only for a moment. He’s trying to process everything, but it feels like a lot, it feels like the world has fallen in on itself, like he and his brother are the only two people left. BLOOD stained hands reach up to try and wipe his eyes, he can’t let anyone outside this room see him like this. ‘‘ but .. but what about the rest of us. why aren’t we enough? ’’

     There’s nothing more to say. Josh can’t think of a single thing to say or do that will make things not this bad between them. He sighed and looked at his brother for a second, wishing that he had something to say that would make it all better. But there was nothing. “It wasn’t about you, Danny.” He sighed, shaking his head. Josh couldn’t tell him how bad of a failure he was. He couldn’t give them anything better. Josh didn’t want to be home. “I needed to... I couldn’t do anything here. Not to help.” 

For maybe just a millisecond, the anger in Danny’s eyes is replaced by FEAR, and he throws his hands in front of his face in an attempt to protect himself when Josh raises his arms, bracing himself for the HIT that never comes. What comes instead CONFUSES him, and he instantly begins fighting the contact, but his brothers STRONGER than him, TALLER too. ‘‘ you’re a LIAR, you’re lying, stop fucking LYING. ’’ he continues to try and FIGHT, frustrated tears rolling down his cheeks. AND THAN HE STOPS, too tired to continue, instead giving in, still enveloped in his brother’s arms. he feels so SMALL. ‘‘ why? ’’  

     He should have let his brother keep hitting him. It didn’t hurt that badly and Josh would avoid the look of fear Danny gave him before he hugged his brother. How could Danny ever think that he’d hit him? Josh kept his arms around his brother until Danny stopped fighting, then let go. Maybe he should just leave. Maybe it was a mistake to come back even if it was the only option left. He kept thinking back to the last few months of being away from here. “I’m not lying. I swear, I’m not.” Josh just wanted things to go back to normal before he left, even though he knew that was impossible. “I had to, Danny. I needed to get out. It was... better for me to be away.” But was it when he’d failed in the end?