Words From The Typewriter

I have a habit of telling you I hate you

Sometimes

It is a joke

Said though my breathy laughter as I gently push you away

Othertimes

I mean it.

Allow me to explain

Because when I say I mean it

I don’t really mean it

Like how a child doesn’t mean to break their least favorite toy

But still feels terrible for breaking something that was theirs.

What I really mean though

Is that I don’t hate YOU

I really just hate the things you do to me.

Like how for some reason

You can make me feel even when I lock my emotions away

Preferring to be numb than risk the depression coming back to me.

And now whenever I even think of interacting with you

I find excitement creeping up my spin

Because you have found ways to pull my confidence 

From the place it hides deep inside of me

Whenever my Negative thoughts take over

And tell me I look better when I starve.

Because you can paint my face with a radiant smile 

When I’m soaked from the storms inside my head.

I hate you 

Because you feel like safety

And whenever you hold me arms

I feel like everything bad in my life has disappeared 

If only for a moment.

I hate you

Because after I promised myself I would never let anyone in

To afraid that someone would betray my trust 

You found your way into my life

Teaching me that some people are still worth trusting

 Even if they share a trait with the demons of my past.

I hate you 

Because you are terrible at responding to me

So whenever I just want to be the most important person in your life

I end up feeling like the least important.

I hate you

Because you give me a reason to hang on

That isn’t superficial or will change tomorrow

And you still refuse to let go of me

So I can drift away into the darkness

And stop feeling the pain of my life

Even after you have seen me at my darkest moments

I hate you 

Because you find good in me

That I will never see

No matter how deep I cut into myself 

In my desperate searches to find my good.

I hate you

Because you might just be good for me

And keep me from surrounding myself with everything that will hurt me

Because no matter how hard I try I cannot let you go

I hate you 

Because I love you

And I don’t know how to handle this emotion

Without it being followed by the bite of something toxic

So I guess in short

I hate you

Because no matter what I do

Have come and gone in a single moment

Leaving me in the cold grasp

Of pure and utter betrayal.

And while it may have been my mistake

That caused us this pain

Do I not deserve happiness too?

Or is it not bad enough

That every day I suffer through my guilt

As your new flame shows everyone my shortcomings?

At least now it is clear

Through his looks

And unnecessary violence 

Threatening me with a death

I have escaped a million times to be here today

That I don’t matter to any of you

And your love was only so you could use me.

So leave me be

To withdraw from whatever life I had

Losing myself everyday 

In attempts to make this hell stop

So I can rediscover the happiness I once had

Reminding you of your past mistakes.

Sometimes they will  come out at night,

Leaving you to stare at the ceiling

Wishing to find an off button for your brain.

Sometimes they will come during the day,

When you find a rare moment of happiness

Ruining even the sweetest moments

I just want need

Everything to stop

If only for a moment.

Letting every noise cut off,

Every person leave me alone,

And my brain to shut off.

So I can find a moment of peace

Without concern to the misfortune 

It causes us.

After all,

Who can care about the girl

Crying in the cornor

When all of us 

Are far more broken

To wish for someone

To love me 

For more than body,

Or because they want to fix me

And repair my broken pieces.

To want me

For who I am,

Not who I was.

And see beauty in me

Despite the myriad

Of problems and scars

That surround my life

Asking why you did it,

If you really wanted to die,

Why you aren’t happy.

Maybe

They don’t realize

That their questions don’t have simple answers.

Because how do I explain

That their questions do anything but help

And all the fucked up events

That decorate my past and present

 Pushed me over the edge.

How do I explain

That I didn't really want to die

Death just seemed

Like the only way

To make everything stop

When it was all to much.

In stories of far off places

Where the ending 

Is always better than the begging 

And in the end

Everyone finds their own happiness

Opened skin revealing my darkest secrets,

Losing parts of myself

As I shatter into pieces,

Being surrounded by friends

Who love and care

Until they are done with me

And toss me aside without thought.

Now life again seems like a chore

As I force myself to carry on

Trying to keep up

With the bright souls around me

This is a break from my typical post, as it it not a poem of any kind. Instead, this is going to be a sharing of experience. 

You see, about a week ago I was discharged from a mental hospital after a suicide attempt. I have waited so long to talk about this as I have needed time to readjust to regular life after everything I have been through, as I had a lot to catch up on with school and other parts of my life.

I imagine some of you might not be interested in all I have to say on the matter, and I do not blame you. If you interested, however, simply click the read more button below.

You lay scattered

Across my body

Decorating my skin

Like constellations in the night sky,

Always serving as a reminder

Of all the pain that haunts my past.

Regardless you are the proof,

That this body I reside in

Has survived years of abuse and hatred

From both myself and others.

So be you white and faded,

Or blooming a brilliant red

As you trace patterns across my body

That will be a constant reminder

That I can survive

Even the roughest of times.

And regardless of how you might not be beautiful

I think I have finally

Learned to love you

And everything you stand for

I will grow new wings

Strong enough to replace

The ones you ripped from me

Oh so long ago.

When that day comes

I will fly far away

To a better place.

A place where happiness

Lasts longer than a moment

And you exist

Of taking everything for granted.

Even the important things 

Like our valued:

Freedom

Love

Kindness

Friends

Life

Are only remembered 

When we lose them completely.

Leaving of to suffer

Recently

I have found

One thing cannot simply change

No,

Instead

When one thing changes

A myriad of change is soon to follow

Presenting new challenges

Completely foreign to me.

Now,

All I can do is wish

That soon I will rediscover

Some semblance of the normal I lost

It seems to haunt me:

The harsh beep of monitors,

The constant drip of the IV,

The sickening knowledge

That I have redefined my life in an instant

And lost the freedom I loved so much.

Now even the smallest of things

Send me into the spiral of memories

From that fateful day.

Taunting me with reminders of my mistake.

Whether asleep or awake

I now know

That my entire life 

Has morphed into a nightmare

That I only make worse