The Switch Mongo

Senior Footwear Designer Honestly Out Of Ways To Describe New Vulc Shoe

Portland, OR—Things are coming to a head for Senior Footwear Designer Lutz Greenwich at Farva Footwear. With the pending release of his latest vulcanized shoe design, he is “seriously struggling” to come up with a new way to talk about the simple skate shoe’s straightforward construction. “Honestly, how many fucking ways can we reword the same thing?” Greenwich asked. “Every season we churn out…

Breaking News: Professional Skateboarder Once Again Ambushed By Tax Season

Washington D.C.—With a mass of disorganized receipts and several 1099s crumpled among the pages of an aging Thrasher Magazine, pro skateboarder Evan Bruce waits for his name to be called for his scheduled appointment at Freedom Quality Tax Services. “I thought taxes were only every couple of years,” Bruce said. “You know, like an election. This is bullshit. I’m so fucked.” Bruce’s situation is…

Breaking: Ex-Girlfriend Of Pro Skater Airs Out Dirty Laundry In Vague Social Media Post

Culver City—The comments and tags were lighting up a recent social media post by Beth Trinity on a relatively slow, wine-fueled night when the ex-girlfriend of pro skateboarder Sergei Stockton took to her iPhone and aired her grievances with former boyfriend in a vaguely worded tell-all aimed at her followers. “Reminds me of a certain sum1, LOL,” Trinity commented on her photo of a plate of…

Love Park Begins $16.5M Remodel To Better Suit Homeless Population

Image via Philly.com Philadelphia, PA—Ground broke early last week at Philadelphia’s iconic John F. Kennedy Plaza, better known as Love Park, to start renovations that will better suit the city’s growing hoemeless population. Said a spokeperson from the design firms partnered for the restoration project: “Look, the city doesn’t have the funds to waste trying to solve its homeless problem, so the…

Food Network Taps P-Stone To Host New Traveling BBQ Show

San Francisco, CA—Food Network finally caught wind of the culinary mastermind and digital video powerhouse, Preston Maigetter (better known as P-Stone), and has inked a deal to bring a new hybrid traveling-BBQ show to life during 2016 sweeps. “The thought never crossed my mind,” Maigetter said. “I just love finding new ways to BBQ on the session, and I guess they got wise and saw something worth…

Malakye Reveals It Was Just Joking This Whole Time

Manhattan Beach, CA—Malakye.com, the number one job posting site for the action sports industry has come clean, admitting that they were just joking this whole time. “We never meant for anyone to get hurt,” said a representative from the company who wishes to remain nameless. “We started this as a goof, but people just kept sending more and more résumés and jobs they needed to get filled, so…

31 Year Old Man-Am Still Holding Onto The Dream

San Francisco, CA—Lief Perrier, 31, originally of Nashville is just finishing up a shift at Marc’s Roastery in the lower Haight. It’s one of Perrier’s three jobs he works to afford rent in a Mission-area apartment that he shares with 8 other aspiring skateboarders. “It’s pretty much your typical skate house,” Perrier says as he zips up a backpack and grabs his skateboard from the staff locker…

Jim Greco Repurposes Old Wardrobe For New Life As Skate Spots

Hollywood, CA—Jim Greco is no stranger to change. In his many years of professional skateboarding, he has evolved his image into many iterations with no apparent fear of repercussions from his fans. From vintage 90s skater, to glam rock lead, to a Vincent Gallo homage, it seems the only thing Greco might fear is becoming stagnant. “I do what I want to do,” Greco said at a hip cafe near his LA…

Struggling Midwestern Shop Owner Convinced Skate Industry Is Total Shit

St. Paul, MN—On a particularly cold day at the onset of winter, George Lukasik sits behind a glass case clicking away at his desktop computer placing orders and waiting in hopes that customers are on their way. “This is the hardest time of the year for us,” Lukasik says, breaking the quiet of his 18,000 square foot retail establishment. “After the holidays when all the gift cards are spent, it’s…

Mike V. Officially Retires From Professional Skateboard Fighting

Honda Center, CA—Today at a press conference held outside the Honda Center in Orange County, CA, Mike Vallely announces his official retirement from professional skateboard fighting. “It’s been a good run,” said Vallely of his many fights with security guards, random meatheads, and the occasional fellow pro skateboarder, “but I’m older now and I’ve matured past the point of feeling the need to…

Local Father Not Sure These Shoes Are Worth The Extra 20 Bucks

Dallas, TX—Mere minutes after telling his son to pick out any pair of shoes he wanted at local Dallas area skate store, Trevor Penning has begun to doubt that the shoes in question are worth the extra money. “They look just like all the shoes in the sale pile that are $20 to $30 cheaper,” said Penning. “They’re just going to get torn up anyway, why the hell are these one’s so much more?” Shop…

GoFundMe Launched To Fund Jaws’ Inevitable Double Knee Replacement Surgery

Phoenix, AZ-Following the recent dissolution of Dekline Footwear and the recent conquering of the Ali Boulala stair set from Flip Skateboard’s seminal Sorry video, friends of Aaaron “Jaws” Homoki have taken it upon themselves to launch a new GOFUNDME for the pro’s inevitable double knee replacement surgery. “We’ve all been making our jokes for a long time,” said fellow Birdhouse pro, Ben…

Filmer Fairly Certain Trick Is ABD, DGAF

Palm Springs, CA—More than an hour into a young amateur’s battle with a trick at a well-known ditch spot, company filmer, Marco “Ribby” Ribesette realized that the trick in question was most likely ABD. “The thought crept into my mind pretty early into him trying [the trick],” Ribesette said, before adding, “but I thought he was going to flip in or do something else. If I knew it was going to…

Skateboarding Officially Out Of Good Names For New Companies

Torrance, CA—Following the unveiling of Koston’s new board brand, Stove, skateboarding has officially announced that it is out of good names for new companies. “I mean, Girl is kind of a shitty name for a skate company too,” said Instagram user, @sk8cre8Nmasturb8. “But they managed to turn a bathroom symbol into one of the most recognizable logos in skateboarding, so I mean, let’s see what…

Dane Vaughn Officially Announces He’s Not Canadian

New Orleans, LA—After a lot of thought, Louisiana professional skateboarder Dane Vaughn has officially announced that he is not Canadian. “I’m not exactly sure how this rumor started, or where ideas like this even come from,” Vaughn said at a press conference this morning. “But in today’s social media landscape, I believe that it’s better to address these accusations head-on and announce once and…

Local Teen Officially Deemed “Legend” By Peers

Long Beach, CA—After a strong showing at the New Year’s Eve Eve party last night, Tony Calico, 17, of Belmont Shores, has officially been proclaimed a legend by his peers. “It was epic, dude,” said Carlo Gutierrez, a freshman at Long Beach Polytechnic. “He was a warlock by like, nighttime, then he was carrying around a handle of Captain [Morgan, spiced rum] and taking gulps all night long. I…