The Stupid Helmet

To any fanfic writer who’s gotten surprisingly hostile comments on any of their stories, the above is a comic I made four years ago after I got one of those comments myself. Red’s words to Leo are what one of my stories received from a particularly flummoxed reader (can’t remember which story that was, lol).

Welcome to the Lack of Experience, Lack of Knowledge, Lack of Imagination Institute.

What dreams can we crush for you today?

Hyde: Hey, yeah. So I wanna run my own record label someday.

Lack Cubed, VP: You live in rural Wisconsin. Never going to happen.

Hyde: My dad owns Grooves. HQ's in Milwaukee. I go there all the time, man.

Lack Cubed, VP: Oh. That's different. People from small towns and suburbs make it in the music business all the time by moving to a city with a thriving music scene, especially folks with talent and resources. I'm sorry, but we can't help you. Next!

Eric: Um, hi. Hello. I think I want to become a toy designer. I'm eighteen and I still play with, well, toys.

Lack Cubed, VP: Unfortunately, no Midwest colleges offer a BFA in Toy Design. Only a handful of colleges exist that do anyway, and they're on the coasts of the country. But if you get a Industrial Design or Mechanical Engineering degree from a Midwestern college, you should have no problem pursuing your -- NEXT!

Fez: I am an immigrant to this country. I have a green card, and I'm working toward getting citizenship. I love chocolate, and I want to make chocolate, and I want to earn money from making chocolate. Like Willy Wonka except without the Oompah Loompas. They give me nightmares.

Lack Cubed, VP: I've looked through your records. There are several incidents of you eating chocolate -- or what you think is chocolate -- off the floor. You devoured the chocolate candy you bought for your girlfriend, and all she received was an empty box. Your friend had to stop you once from a chocolate binge. Shall I go on?

Fez: No. I learned to control those urges once I started having sex. I learned I was using chocolate as a substitute for ... sex.

Lack Cubed, VP: I see. Still, you're not very smart, are you? You seem destined to work a thankless middle management job until you retire.

Fez: My parents sent me to America to get an education. I took honors classes in high school and graduated cum laude. The first word is pronounced KOOM.

Lack Cubed, VP: I know how it's pronounced. Scholarships exist for people in your situation. If you have any proficiency in baking --

Fez: I made you this!

Lack Cubed, VP: Why, that's a Chocolate Decadent Cake. And it's fully intact! Mr. Fez, you can go far if you work hard. All the current evidence suggests that's exactly what you'll so, so ... get out!

Lack Cubed, CEO: How many dreams did you crush today?

Lack Cubed, VP: None. Every client who showed up today can achieve what they hope to do.

Lack Cubed, CEO: So you failed to lock their brain in a tiny box from which it cannot escape. What's the name of this institute?

Lack Cubed, VP: The Lack of Experience, Lack of Knowledge, Lack of Imagination Institute.

Lack Cubed, CEO: You exhibited all three: a clear lack of experience; a clear lack of knowledge, and an infinite lack of imagination. Otherwise, you would've crushed everyone's dreams today! You're not cut out for this career. Clear out your office.

Hi Anon!

Respectfully, I completely disagree.

Jackie is an only child to a very wealthy, upper-class family. What we briefly see of Jack Burkhart on screen tells us that though he's largely absent, he's very much fond of his daughter. He gives her a substantial allowance (enough for her to spend a grotesque amount of money on Kelso throughout their relationship), allows her to drive his Lincoln Continental whenever she needs it, and presumably paid for horse-back riding lessons throughout her childhood (speaking from experience, this is not cheap!), to name only a few things.

I don't believe Jackie is a brat (as the writers would like us to believe), but I do think it's clear that her father certainly spoiled her as a child whenever he could. This could be due to a simple belief that his only child should have whatever she wanted, or could be some underlying guilt for being an absent parent -- we don't know enough about Jack to really tell.

My point is, I don't think Jackie was told 'no' a lot as a child. Her more demanding or abrasive (as Hyde puts it) personality traits are likely as a result of this and I believe those are traits she's had for the majority of her life. Until Donna warms up to her in S1, I don't believe Jackie has had a genuine friend her entire life. Jackie's reaction to Donna calling her a friend in 1x17 makes this really obvious to me.

I believe that most of her acquaintances at school merely 'tolerate' her because of her family's wealth and social status. Remember her father is on City Council and a business owner -- altogether a fairly public figure for the relatively small Point Place. Many of her more 'popular' acquaintances at school are probably of a similar social background and there's probably a certain level of 'expectation' for them to be 'friendly'.

Jackie claims to be an 'expert on girl lies' and 'good at lying', but I don't think she's as good at it as she thinks she is. With a few exceptions (usually when her pride is at stake), Jackie is actually not very good at masking her true feelings and is largely ruled by her emotions.

This comparison might not be entirely fair since we only see her for one episode, but Kat Peterson is similarly a 'wealthy popular girl' archetype. If you compare Kat's mannerisms to Jackie's mannerisms, they are almost nothing alike. Kat is aloof, superior, and generally callous. Jackie by comparison is sensitive, passionate, and more often than not generous. Jackie very clearly wears her heart on her sleeve in most episodes we see her in.

Jackie's sheltered upbringing and being spoiled by her father has led her to having this weird combination of confidence and naivety. She sometimes too easily expresses her frustration, impatience, sadness, anger, hurt, etc. and that makes her vulnerable. She allows herself to be manipulated by other people multiple times as a result (e.g. 1x13, 1x15, 2x25, 3x10, almost the entirety of S4, I could go on).

By teaching her 'Zen', Hyde at least teaches her how deal with Laurie's bullying in a more constructive way, as opposed to allowing herself to be constantly baited by her.

As a final note, while we know Jackie is on the cheer squad, the show never actually displays her interacting with that clique meaningfully. Only briefly showing us scenes with Leslie Cannon and Julie. We don't actually know how savvy her interactions with that group are -- though we do know that Jackie was unceremoniously kicked off the cheer squad in S6. This indicates to me that it's more likely she's not got the best relationship with them, and I'm sure Jackie's predisposition to speak her mind and express her feelings contributes to that.

Jackie is a very vulnerable character, which doesn't negate her strength, the behaviors and attitudes she absorbed from her parents, or the self-protection mechanisms she developed because of childhood wounding.

Jackie is shown giving on T7S more than she takes, despite her egotism. She gives Kelso presents and the money to buy her a dress, which he spends on a stake on The Hub's pinball machine. She expresses empathy toward Kelso and gives him support when he's impotent and can't have sex with Pam Macy -- when Jackie could've had every impulse to humiliate him further, as he'd done to her (mostly through Laurie) after Jackie wouldn't take him back within two weeks of dumping for his cheating on her ... with Laurie.

NEW THAT ‘70S SHOW FANFICTION ON AO3 

Title: Road Trip

Summary:  The gang takes a good old fashioned road trip, with some of the traditional roach trip fun and chaos.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna; Hyde and Eric (friendship), Donna and Jackie (friendship,) Fez and Kelso (friendship)

Rating: K+

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88301031/chapters/234168736

Red and Kitty Moments in Every Episode (53/200)

“Squeeze Box"