The Starlight Index

so. i was a Villain in my source. like, irredeemable killer kind of guy. I participated in what was essentially a fantasy genocide. I was a soldier, and i was PROUD of myself. I killed a princess of the people I was trying to wipe out; as a result I got my memories wiped and was placed in some sort of death game.

In my own, noncanon memories of source, I was also a system. There were only two of us, but we HATED each other. He hated how I hurt people and felt no remorse. I hated how weak he was. Eventually, our fighting came to a head when we returned home one day to find our entire village on fire. We never found our parents. I blamed him for leaving in the first place, for not being able to protect everyone. For 15 years, I forced him into dormancy. He only re-emerged once our memories were wiped.

When my sourcemates and I got introjected it was DIRECTLY before what we kind of consider my "turning point" as a character- when my memories flooded back and I killed one of my best friends in cold blood. Because he was One Of Them, and i couldn't be friends with One Of Them. Most of the time when people get introjected into this system we still live out our source lives for a bit inside headspace until someone has the energy to explain to us where we are and what's going on. I very nearly went through with killing that friend here in this system- they had to physically hold me back in headspace. My alter, the nice one, got his own form in headspace and used his own body to shield that friend. I wanted to hurt BOTH of them.

For several weeks I was kind of placed under constant watch by the local gatekeeper (a fictive of a protector god). But.... they weren't horribly mean to me? They were prickly, yes, but.. well, I wasn't there for it, but a long time ago our system had a whole deal with a gang of persecutors trying to harm the rest of the system- everyone managed to just slowly talk them down and reach an understanding, and since then we've had this philosophy that NOBODY in this system deserves to be hated, or locked away, or hurt, no matter how much they're hurting others. We can always figure something out- hurting them will only make them want to hurt us more. Compassion is the strongest route to change, at least here. They applied that to me- they wouldn't force me to befriend anyone, and wouldn't expect me to be especially nice, but I wasn't allowed to hurt anyone. And in turn, nobody was allowed to hurt me. They protected me from the others just as much as vice versa, since... none of my sourcemates in the system were particularly happy with what I'd done.

I don't even really understand how it happened at this point. I can kind of barely remember it all (for reasons outside of the system). But slowly, over time, my sourcemates started to warm up to me? They started allowing me to be near my previous alter, now turned brother I suppose. Neither of us liked it much, but we didn't hurt each other. And when I started feeling emotions other than anger and hatred for possibly the first time in over a decade, they... were all there for me?

The sister of the princess I killed was also in the system. She was furious with me about it- she even joined that source death game willingly just so she could kill me in there. But she got her memory wiped too, so she never got the chance. If I had succeeded in killing my friend, she would've been my next target. In the system, she straight up hated me, refused to be around me. I still didn't feel bad about anything I'd done or intended to do. We fought. A Lot. Over time, everyone else in the system tried to show me the people I was trying to wipe out were, well, people, and I slowly started to see why I was wrong. And then all of it hit me at once. Oh god, I nearly killed one of the few people who truly believed in me, someone who loved me and I had loved him back before I remembered who i was, and I had killed so many people in the past and laughed about it, and i had killed this woman's sister and then taunted her about it, and oh fuck what is wrong with me. And... I don't even know why. I think it was because she literally could not get anyone else in front. But she had to be there for me as it all came crashing down on me, and she... kind of stopped hating me. She had to hold me as I cried. And she just... did. She could've left me alone in front to deal with that on my own, but she didn't. I was TERRIFIED of her all of a sudden, believing everything she had wanted to do to me was right and justified and I think I even tried to convince her to go through with hurting me while none of the gatekeepers were looking. She refused. She understood why the gatekeepers were so insistent on keeping the peace, and right there she could see evidence of it working. She said I gave her hope that people can change. I think that scared me even more.

One of my sourcemates trusted me almost the entire time we were in that death game- in my canon finale she finally came up to me and said No, she's done believing in me, she's done helping me, she probably hates me now because of everything I've done. She left me to die, and honestly? I don't blame her. In the system, she was terrified of me. She would start to panic every time she was near me. Sometimes I tried to make it worse. But one day I was in front, starting to panic because I was frontstuck for a doctor's appointment I had no memory of what for. And... she was the one who comforted me. She was the one who helped me back out of front. She was also terrified the entire time, but when I seemed to make it clear I wasn't going to lash out, she settled right in to help. She hated our source- hated how everyone was constantly arguing, hated how many betrayals and backstabbings there were. When we introjected me and all my sourcemates, pretty much everyone else realised there's no reason to fight or distrust each other here and everyone became friends pretty quickly. She was ecstatic about that- she still is. She was kind of sad that I was the only one being excluded. She was determined to help me have that, too.

My alter turned brother really really wanted to attack me for nearly killing our best friend. He was actually the one everyone had to hold back from hurting me the most. And... he was also the first person to believe in me in this system. He thought, since we were a system in source, despite us being so different the things that were a part of him were also a part of me. If he had the capacity to be violent, I had the capacity to be kind. He was the first to try to convince the others to be kinder to me. Eventually I realised the amount of damage I'd done to him forcing him into dormancy all those years. He still believed he wasn't any older than twenty, to a point where in source when people called him old he would actually get scared and confused. He still presents that young in headspace. I'd call us twins if it weren't for that, it's just I'm in my mid-30s and he never even got to experience adulthood. I'm kind of glad that our body here is only just starting our twenties. It's like he gets a second chance. He was the main one trying to show me that the people i hated were in fact people. He's the closest now to our best friend I nearly killed. That friend started to be okay with me as soon as my brother did, he trusted my brother's judgement completely. Both of them were so nice to me. I felt like I didn't deserve it for what I'd done not only in source, but my entrance to the system as well. They tried their hardest to convince me otherwise.

I still feel like I don't deserve any of this kindness, don't fully understand why this has all happened. I still keep going on about how I don't even know if I've really changed, can I really change at all- they remind me that I'm so afraid to hurt anyone now that i won't even pick up a weapon now for like... any reason. That seems like change. I'm protective of them. I actually feel guilt, something I never did before. That seems like change. All of my sourcemates have warmed up to me now, all of us are friends. I love them. I protect them where I can, and in turn they protect me. I've learned how to cry again. I've learned how to laugh again. The first time they saw me genuinely smile here everyone cheered, it was so ridiculous but so sweet. Recently we watched through a playthrough of god of war ragnarok, and that kind of hit me close to home, but then everybody told me specifically to watch the valhalla dlc and it kind of broke me. They all want so badly to prove to me that I have changed and I do deserve this kindness now. I love them so much. I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. I'm so glad they were all so damn determined to help me change. Now I do the same for others in the system who are similar to how I used to be. I don't think I can express enough how much they all mean to me. I have a family now, when I was so convinced that after losing my parents I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I feel their love and care around me like a blanket all the time now. I'm never, ever letting that go.

I really, really love this system.