poems on living

with my own body

you place barriers with your words

and looks

a lifelong construction

dismantled by doubt

I have found

a slideshow surprise

But today you drew a rocket

Wiggly lines to say

“Get me out of here”

Did you know that I have

My own rocket

Drawn two days ago

Let’s get out of here

to wait

To erase my own time

place it on hold

for others.

No one else is advocating

for my own weakness.

No one else 

that I can have 

so many

yet am left

to take my own hand

and say

“come on,

           let’s go,

shiny, clean

I see sunbeams 

basking in your glow

What if I leave 

good days

and I forget to prepare

My dear,

your daddy has

the biggest heart

and I have seen it

grow-

sending out sprouts and roots

that leaves you motionless in the hallway

not staying, not going

a human on standby

I never learned my father,

the knowledge in his noggin;

the quirks in his smiles.

Too busy growing up

and learning myself.

I’d like him back

for a year or twenty

so we could meet.

I would ask

his favorite songs

and bask in making

sniffing your grandson

wait. not a pedophile.

I know what

I want.  But 

I want you

and you and

you

but none at all.

I think I’m in

love

with six people

all at once

and hate them

all too.

What does that

say about

my heart?

And what does

my heart show

My nerves are stretched

until brittle and breaking.

I cover my quivering anger

with a smile and dreams

of my next escape

Sticky between my fingertips

And stuck under my nails

Is a good thing

Take care

You appeared

in my mind

late, last night,

or early, this morning. 

Your presence 

at my side

wrapped a cord

through my organs

and tugged 

until the logic

evaporated

from my mind. 

My hands rose,

splaying my fingers

to embed in your hair

and rest across your neck.

Following the tug 

of that cord

up through my throat 

until our tongues

and lips

could intertwine.

In that instant

my insides

and outsides

Squashing my head

into my shell-house

even when I want 

(more than anything)

to see the world.

Saving myself from anxiety

saves me from adventure

and memories of love.

My non-turtle friends

are confused

and all I wish

is that they join me inside

until I can shed that armor 

and venture into the world

spread me open

and slide your tastebuds

across my nerves

make me shudder

graze your teeth

on my clit

and then lick 

again

flip me over

shove me down

tease me with your hands