a little oblivion

And I have to admit

Home has never been

A place where I felt comfort

So I should have known

To let you go sooner

When I wanted to stay

Because you felt like home

And I know that to you 

It feels like I am asking you to move mountains

But truly I just need the time it takes to watch the sunset

To sit with you 

While the orange and purple sky 

Darken into an inky infinity littered with stars 

on a cold winter night

Just enough time for our fingers to interlace 

while our bodies intertwine 

For the few moments we have before reality takes over 

And you won't let me be yours again

To battle the fear of being alone

With the fear of someone

Getting to know me

It is the only one I haven’t known you in

The rains of April make me cry for you 

The leaves of October make my heart 

Fall for you 

The snowfall in December makes me shiver 

The way your touch used to 

But the heat of the summer

Burns your touch from my skin

And I can finally breathe again 

You called me that once

At a red light

You looked at me and laughed

As I looked down and cried

Knuckles white clenched in my lap

You reached for my hands

I flinched away

If I was so cold

Why did you

Use me my body

To keep yours warm?

I stare at the page

But I'm not brave enough

to break my heart

into written lines.

in bedsheets

made me believe

we were in love

Day by day

I say less

You care less

We do less

And yet we still say

We are closer

Than we have ever been

Where i’m going in life

What it will look like

Months from now

But i do know

You wont be there

And I’m starting to believe

That’s a good thing

In fact,

I do it more often than I like

But the one lie

I repeat over and over

And never stop believing

Is that I hope I never hear from you

I hope you don’t try to come back

I think the biggest lie is

That I would be angry with you

I know

I lied to myself

Saying it was love

But I needed to believe

To have hope

For one goddamn moment

I needed it

I needed to think that I could be loved

In the way I so desperately craved

To ebb my pains

And banish my fears

And you should know

on my darkest days

There is laughter

Begging to escape my lungs

Turn into days

Turn into weeks

Turn into months

Turn into tears

Ive cried

Trying to remember

A time before you

Because even on paper

I wont let myself forget

the smallest of mistakes

Maybe it’s time

To put down my pen

Is to lose you

But to lose you

Is to save myself

I need to believe

I’m worth saving

Of finally being over you

Until you pull me back under

Down to the depths of this mess

Wave after wave of miss yous

Love yous

Nicknames

And i think i can hold my breath long enough

To make things right

To have us reach the surface together

To have a life that doesn’t drag each other under

But you pull me down

And float away

And i try to float back up

These damn turns in the tide

Never giving me a chance to survive