TheSpaceInMyBed

My calm downer

My safe space

He holds me when I’m trembling

He talks to me when I’m angry

He understands

He loves me more than anyone ever has

It scares me

I don’t know what to do with that kind of love

I have no experience

With something this precious

That you fear everyday you might lose it

These clenches

In my chest

They undo me

Every time you drive away

Each and every horrid scenario

Presses on my mind

I say

I love you

So many times

Because I’m afraid

It will be the last time

Every time

How do people do this

Live with this monster

Inside

Whispering

Dread

Tell me

What to do

How to stop

Is there any relief

To the incessant

Panic

Is there any way

To dig myself free of this

Or is it

Just another consequence

Even the ones I’ve never even whispered

I live for your touch

You are the perfection

I never thought

Would find me

You press your hands

Lips

Against my thighs

Like you own them

I tell you

You do

You growl in to my ear

And I shiver

There’s no other man for me

You fit my body

My mind

My heart

And let you read my poem

It’s about you

I whispered

And when you finished

You looked at me

A different look

And held me closer

Than you ever have before

We’ve crossed a line

It feels more

More than intimacy

More than sex

A place I can rest in

Safely

You always say

You love me more than I love you

But my written words

They are proud

and strong

And true

We don’t speak

We have a similar violence

And anger

Living in our flesh

In

Every heartbeat

That we attempt to stifle

In our obsession

With

Loving

Each other

I don’t need to question

It’s there simmering

Not spoken

I would beat my fists bloody for you

I would commit crimes

I would ruin my life

I would unleash all the horrors

Of my selfishness

Onto anyone

I will touch the parts of you that always feel unwanted

I will unravel the pain with my lips

Until you cannot deny

The desire in me

For you

I will use words and wiles to uplift you

To prove the point

There is no other place

I would rather

Give my skin

My blood

My bones to

If you ceased to exist

I would wither

And never want

Another

My hands are made to hold you

To press against your heartbeat

And encourage

Excite

Envelope

I will unwrap the poison they have planted in your ears

The lies you have been accustomed to

Hearing

For years

Give me your hungry demons

My appetite is larger

My stomach stronger

My insides are used to

Caging

Restless

Dying

Or punishment

For all the ways I chained you to me

With each deliberate

Thrust

I can’t tell anymore

The difference

Am I trapped by lust

Or

By my need to be

Subjugated

The guilt that clings to me

I don’t like to call it mine

But I claim it

Every day

I wouldn’t know

How to live without it

You could never hurt me more

It hurts

But not too much

And the nausea afterwards

Has disappeared

It’s like we’re almost normal

Functioning

Bearable

I still rather lie in bed alone

Untouched

90 percent of the time

But if it makes you happy

Let’s fuck everyday

If it makes you happy

I don’t mind

Your desire for me is never questionable

I love the way

Your eyes pour over every inch of me

I love the way

You’re always turned on

It makes me feel

Is that I love you

And the feeling

has yet to go away

It ebbs and flows

Sometimes it hurts

Other times it's bearable

Sometimes the dreams of you

Gather in my veins

Crowding my flesh

Anymore

Should that bother me

Is it a sign

Should I be paying more attention

Is this the beginning

All these confessions

To make me feel better

Like a gun shot to the head

Let it be over

Let me feel dead

If he doesn’t love me

I don’t want to know

This isn’t

For anyone else

This isn’t

A lesson

A happy ending

He told me last Halloween

That if he never met you

He would be with me

My boyfriend loves you

I saw him kiss your forehead in the backseat of the car Friday night

I found your bracelet in the pocket of his jeans

He said he thought it was mine

I know he is obsessed with my body

He says he loves me

He claims I’m the love of his life

But this is getting complicated

Should it bother me

Should I be angry

I haven’t decided

Should I

Do anything

About

This

Or should I

Let it

Be

Let it

Fester

Just like everything else

I don’t want to feel

I don’t want to know

But

If he loves her

I still

They have sung me love songs

They have

Given me gifts they can’t afford

And worshipped me with hands and eyes and hearts

Men have promised me

Rings and infinite things

Forever and laughter

And unwanted pregnancies

I have been filled and fed

I’ve been

The object of want

Jealousy

Idealism

I’ve been the catalyst

Of

Ruined relationships

I’ve been held secret

Whispered

Witness

Invited

Partook

In betrayal

Of all types

Men have

Offered

Kisses

Money

Sex

Men have

Spoken my name

In regret

Men have

Been

Supplicants

Volunteering

A loyalty

I didn’t ask for

And nothing

Ever

Inspired this kind of

Collapse

You make me

Someone else

Easily broken

Why

I don’t understand

Everything you are

Makes me

Vulnerable

On the verge

Of falling apart

With your

Intellect

Demands

And unyielding

Voice

I can’t get away

And I do not

Want to

You are the closest I have come

To

Losing my grip

On

Everything I’ve built myself to be

I have lost my strength

I’m drowning

You are an open door

I need

Reminding

How a person

Stumbles

So

Easily

This is the kind of love

That wages war

That destroys

And

Takes your breath

When you open your eyes

You

Are so grateful

For being alive

You forget

The price

You willingly paid

You forget

To wish someone else to be happy

Then I’ll give it

My body is just another transaction

I use to make you love me

What am I

Except

What I can give to someone else

Love

Sex

The feeling of safety

What is anyone

But what they offer

We are all just vending machines

Hoping to be filled

As

We