gonna be honest i don’t know how many more ‘enter the 6 digit code we sent to your phone’s i got left in me

sexual thrill at the mere prospect of cataloging things in a database

it doesn't matter to cats what kind of bad week you're going through, they'll come into your room and start doing repeated bulldozer attacks on you

not everything is getting worse. at least you don't hear high hopes by panic at the disco every day anymore

your mom is a baked potato your dad's dumb ass is asparagus and you are a god damn green bean

Messing up my customer service hotline job and playing a gunshot sound effect over the phone then coming back with a slightly different accent

(violently jerking the steering wheel) my car swerves like crazy when i do this

“what time do you get off?” well that’s not really any of your business now is it

legend tells of a mysterious being called “nuance” that allows multiple things to be true at the same time. some say you can still hear its voice whispering in the trees

i wish i were rich because that way i could comtinue being Insane & Useless and it would be fine like not even a problem

i am always one wrong word away from being shot by all the people who find me tolerable

t-shirt with the words “high-functioning corpse” printed on it

i'm sorry i didn't respond to your DM for 23 days. the number on the notification icon got really big and i began having irrational anxious thoughts such as "what if people are in there trying to contact me"

the sewing machine is like if a horse and an inkjet printer had a child

the idea that every summer will be as hot if not hotter than this for the rest of my life is unbearable i need to (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health) murder an oil executive