jhuygtfygh

if them and i can't get together that's okay

also in regards to the "i love talking about myself comment" i think this actually applies to everyone. hence why AMAs are so popular 🐈

we have set a deadline for big plans. what exactly that means yet i'm not sure. i need to put some weight on this date. it's very easy to say i'm gonna do something tomorrow … but the important part is unfortunately actually doing it. i very well could just get to that date and do nothing. so we need to put some Pressure on making that deadline something i have to abide by. i don't know how to put it but i hope that made sense. i hope if i make one big change on that day then i'll feel motivated to make tons and tons of others. Big changes will happen no matter what but i'm trying to not delay them any more there's a lot of problems i have that i simply can't control and that's okay. I think i've been okay with that for a while it's just weird to think about. i'm at this point where i have to believe that whatever is 'supposed' to happen will be what happens. I think I just have to think that. it's hard for me to remember the last time I truly said what was on my mind, but i think i just did it. It feels freeing. there's things I'm still not over that I feel I will have to learn to get over. I don't know how I'm gonna do it honestly, given how my brain has been working. It sucks. I think it'll work out. i don't think it'd be healthy to think anything other than that though. I've neglected to write, or really think about this stuff just because they make me feel terrible. eventually i will need to tackle these things. I did it a little bit at the start of this journal but that's obviously not enough

zoloft: sex or be happy. pick one

we are foraging away forward on the current plans. i've came to the conclusion that i will uninstall twitter if i can go one month without opening it. only reason i don't do that now is because i know i'd just reinstall it after a day there's tons and tons of things on this ever-growing list of things i know i would benefit from doing. in fact i did one of those things yesterday and i felt like a million bucks afterwards i have so many moments where i choose to spend my time doing things that aren't really fun or good at all. there's a big difference between being happy and being occupied with what you do. the stuff that's actually fun takes some amount of effort usually, which sucks, because it leads me to do the easier stuff instead. like scrolling and sleeping etc etc etc. that stuff doesn't actually make me happy. but i do it because usually when i have free time i want to do something "fun" that doesn't require effort. and i'm just now starting to realize that all of the actually fun stuff requires at least some effort

on the other side. while i don't feel super off the walls happy when with others, i definitely feel better. way fucking better. especially with brock lol, my moods with him compared to with my mom is comically different. it's crazy. all i want is to lessen my current big problems and maybe be able to not have content be such a big weight over me. i want to be happy. i just want to be happy. fuuuuuccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

just kidding. this album is fucking awesome. I've been doing lots of journals lately (most of which private) and this album has been a great thing to put on while I do them. I think the mood of this album fits my writes very well

on the way home listened to Paper Mache Dream Balloon. it was a rainy dark day and made for a great vibe. I felt that "first day of school" feel like I was back to listening to music in freshman year. pmdb was already one of my favorites but now I just like it even more haha

since setting that line of thinking, there's a thing i gotta do before november. no one let me forget

this is not even me trying to be overly defiant. these just aren't punishments