a t a r a x i a

  The world is massive and the possibilities of how your life will turn out is limitless. So, for someone who have lived in a small town for all her life and is used to having someone behind her back to support her, putting thy self out there is quite a feat.

  Some days, I wish I have roadmaps to tell me where to go and what do next whenever I feel lost.

Unfortunately, life offers no such thing. Detours are inevitable and the journey is unpredictable. A never ending trial and error of destinations that will either heal  or leave us scathed.

  Some days, I wish mom can still make all the decisions i'm too afraid to face. Very in contrast to the perception i had when i was younger; one of the great liberties of adulthood that i so longed to be part of, is to decide for myself. It used to sound so fun but now, I dread choosing knowing that one wrong mistake can create a ripple of chaos.

Some days, I wish I can turn back time and tell the younger me to never hurry things. Never take for granted the carefreeness and savor every second that they view life as something worth looking forward to.

but today, I failed.

Although the time we shared together was fleeting I still got used to your existence. Now, I long for it. I crave for your voice. I crave for your text messages. I crave for your presence.

You have no idea how much I want to talk to you and tell you about how my day went and hear yours in return.

You have no idea how much I want to call you during the times when i feel so alone and unhappy. I know your calmness will ease the chaos in me.

You have no idea how it takes everything in me not to reach out to you whenever I see or hear something that reminds me of you.

Don't get me wrong, I still want you gone.

Even though i am happy i was able to finish my bachelor's degree on time, I can't help but feel sad knowing those carefree days are long gone and now just memories.

It made me felt a pang of regret that those moments slipped away so fast, i was not able to make the most out of it.

It made me sad I took for granted all the time I could have spent hanging out with friends, enjoying extra curricular activities and meeting new people instead of snuggling with a book, enjoying the comforts of my dorm room.

We were told to savor the fun of being kolehiyala along with its hardships but we did not listen. We're all anxious to grow up and leave the premises of the university that we all can't wait to finish that last exam and bid each other goodbye.

It's true when they say, nothing makes you quite so aware of something as the loss of it. I wished I've known, I would have clung to those moments a little harder.

As a I write this blog post, a wave of memories are flooding my mind. From the first time I entered the walls of my department with nothing but fear in my heart to the last day of feeling so ecstatic upon receiving my toga. Back then, I was still this hopeful probinsiyana who thought college is just a mere bus stop in my entire endeavor but man, i was wrong. My veiws are now tainted by reality and entire perspective shifted 360 degrees.  It turned out more than just a series of sleep deprivation and tests exhaustion.

When people leave us, the sudden disconnection from that someone is not the only thing that cripples us. The void & unanswered questions they left in our hearts is what makes everything even harder to grasp.

How can they sleep so tightly knowing we're losing sleep over them?

How can they smile so madly knowing someone out there is hurting so badly?

How did they manage to make us feel special and take it all back in just a whim?