The Scarecrow's Brain

I went to the Ballet last night. I went mostly because if you live in Moscow you have to go to the Ballet at the Bolshoi Theater. It was actually quite enjoyable though. The second and third acts were really very impressive, and I have to say that I am usually underwhelmed by ballet performances. So I have a few thoughts about the overall experience.

The entire practice of going to the ballet is a foreign concept in the digital age. It’s a really long amount of time to spend watching something with no dialogue. The show started around 7pm and by the time the three acts and two intermissions had concluded, it was already 10 o’clock. So honestly, I can’t tell if I didn’t enjoy the first act as much because it wasn’t as good, or because it took me an act to adjust to the process.

All I know is, in the first act I did feel a bit bored. My 21st century brain is used to a lot more stimulus I think, and focusing on the dancers lost its appeal fairly quickly. However, by the middle of the second act, I found there was so much to take in that I couldn’t possibly notice everything. Between the conductor and the orchestra, the lead dancers and the background company, there was just to much to see all at once.

I found the process of adjusting to the theater extremely similar to the meditation I have been doing. At first my attention extremely short and it was hard to sit still. My mind was chasing thoughts about, thinking about other things not related to what I was doing. Eventually though, I was able to quiet my self and just be present. Once I was able to do that, the music and the motion of the dancers became captivating.

I had an interesting sort of epiphany halfway through, that the dancers and musicians were actually there physically in front of me, not behind a screen. I guess this seems like a weird thought, but at this point our brains are so used to absorbing entertainment that is heavily edited and perfected before being delivered through the on demand digital format. It was strangely exhilarating to be experiencing something in real time with the small mistakes and variations that entails. In a very counterintuitive way, it gave me the feeling that we were all living outside of time. All frozen eternally in the moment of the performance on the other side of the screen together.

The theater was really beautiful. And I had a great seat. I chose one of the boxes on the first terrace. So the main floor was below me and I had a good view of the orchestra as well as the stage. There were nine chairs in the box in a little three my three grid and I had the first seat in the upper left corner. All the boxes had their own numbered doors and we had to be let it by the staff people. Then there was a little couch area before some heavy curtains that opened out onto the viewing space with the chairs. The whole atmosphere made me feel like if I looked over into one of the opposite boxes, I’d see Count Vronksy making eyes at me (that’s an Anna Karenina reference for the uncultured).

The Ballet was called Legend of Love, it was composed in the early Soviet Era and is one of the favorites from that time. In true Russian fashion, its all about suffering. A beautiful queen’s sister is dying and she offers a sort of magician all her gold and her crown to save her, but he says that she must sacrifice her beauty. So she does and her sister comes back to life. But then, a handsome youth appears and both sisters fall in love with him. But because the queen’s beauty is lost, she cannot win his love. Her sister and the youth fall in love and run away. The queen hunts them down and says that to win her sister, the youth must bore a tunnel through an iron mountain to reach a water source for a village. He obviously can’t do this and the sister begs him to run away with her. But nope, he decides he has to stay and try to do this stupidly impossible thing. So no one is happy. Classic Russia. The dancing was really great though.

 Wednesday was Victory day. I slept in a bit and then watched the parade. I realized Victory day is pretty much Russian fourth of July. Parades, and fireworks, and nationalism. It’s just that Russia doesn’t have an Independence Day because it has an ancient history instead. Other countries have independence from Russia days. After the parade I decided to wander about for a bit because it was a really nice day and some guy followed me out of the metro hitting on me really aggressively. He kept saying how pretty I was as though that was some kind of compliment, and I kept thinking how unimportant his opinion was to me. I basically told him as much and eventually he left me alone. Then I went to the zoo. It was nice to walk around, although I don’t really like seeing the animals in cages. Maybe its just because I have been listening to the sacred text podcast, but I felt like I had a harry potter moment with the Giraffe.

 I’m getting pretty tired of the zero respect young women seem to get here. I’m writing this on a park bench, and I have my legs crossed “Indian” style. Some older man just came up to me complaining and telling me to uncross them. I just said “I don’t speak Russian” and ignored him. I’ve used up all my patience for Russian men. I’m tired of them blatantly cutting me in lines and leering on the street. It’s like I’m somehow both invisible and walking under a neon arrows at the same time. I just want to be able to go outside and feel like a person again.

Alright guys, two big points today-

I finally believe I am an adult

I found religion

 So first, I’ve had this feeling for the past several months like adulthood was creeping up on me. I couldn’t see it yet, but I could tell it was getting close. In the last semester of college, it was glaringly apparent that I was not the youth who walked onto campus four years prior. I didn’t really feel any different, but every time we went out on the weekend I felt compelled to tell the new freshman girls to drink water and make good choices. That behavior is a far cry from the vodka-filled water bottles and gravity bongs of my immaturity (sorry dad). Not that my wild nights and rough mornings are behind me, but now I have the forethought to leave water and advil on the nightstand, and I can identify the poor choices as I make them, not after the fact. Also, there’s definitely more board games involved than beer pong now.

But like I said, it’s been creeping up on me. After graduation, I knew it was almost upon me, but I still couldn’t quite shake the last sticky vestiges of adolescence. This was partly my intention in coming to Moscow. I thought if I could hack it here, my fresh monarch wings would dry and I could fly off to New York to start my life.

I can’t help comparing my time in Moscow to my time in Irkutsk two years ago. I showed up so scared in that city. I hid in my room and slept as long as I could so I wouldn’t have to come out and face the strangeness. My first day in Moscow, I wandered out into the street and wandered about completely at ease.

Yesterday, I was running nine miles along the Moscow River; I looked up and realized I am happily living a life in a Russian city. The edgy fifteen-year-old I once was would be so proud. I enjoy my job, I have interesting conversation with my coworkers, I have friends I enjoy spending time with, I’m a regular at my favorite coffee shops and restaurants where they know me and my usual order, I am able to pursue my passions and interests, I can shop and clean and take care of my daily needs, I’ve even been casually seeing someone, but mostly- I’m a generally happy person and I enjoy spending time alone exploring the city and my thoughts.

So there it is right? I’m a functioning well adjusted adult now. I’m sure turmoil will soon return and I will call my mom crying from under a pile of protective blanket armor, but not right now- right now I am an adult.

But- for those of you who don’t believe me-

A more tangible list of reasons I am now an adult:

-          I eat tomatoes

-          I can walk around the city in heels

-          I have a preferred coffee order

That proves it right?

Either way, I’m so excited to move to New York, I think about it quite a bit. It’s never something I pictured for myself, or ever thought I would be excited about. But now that it’s in the cards, it suddenly feels like a dream. Sometimes my whole life feels like a dream, or the biography of the cool, awesome person I pretended to be when I was 6. All that you manifest is before you.

 So with that, we can move on to what you all want to hear about, how I found religion.

Rest assured, I still don’t buy into any of the monotheistic nonsense most of the world seems to subscribe to. However, I started listening to a new podcast. It’s really interesting and it’s giving me a new perspective on religion. It’s called Harry Potter and the Sacred Text

So here’s what it is:

The two hosts are graduates of the Harvard Divinity School, and each episode, they read through a chapter of Harry Potter as one would read a sacred text. This means they read the chapters looking for specific themes and with specific methods to derive meaning from the text applicable to our individual lives, much like one would look for meaning in the bible or other religious text.

This has been a fabulously interesting exercise. A lot of people will pass this off as nonsensical heresy, but I think it deserves to be taken seriously. Understand, that the sacred texts of major religions are really just compilations of stories and adventures that revolve around a cast of minor and major characters. Harry Potter has, for some inexplicable reason, found favor across incredibly disparate cultures. It has been translated into 67 languages, sold hundreds of millions of copies, and at one point was the most requested book at the Guantanamo Bay Prison library. There is something in this story that resonates profoundly with people from all walks of life.

I know I am biased, I was privileged to grow up in the Harry Potter generation- waiting impatiently for the next book to be released and then spending consecutive sleepless days and nights consuming nothing but the text. Midnight movie premieres, countless Halloween costumes, theme park experiences, merchandise, art projects, playing pretend. I think its safe to say I practiced a religious devotion to this fandom. It is a world that has always been a safe and comforting place to return to.

And the way they go about reading the novels is inspiring me in a new way.  I’ll just share with you two examples from the first couple chapters. The first chapter is read through for “commitment” and the way they do this gives you a new perspective on the Dursleys.  A family we all love to hate, suddenly we see a family, however misguided, committed to their ideals and to each other (ok not Harry of course but still). Example- Mr. Dursley sits with his back to the window because he doesn’t want to be distracted from his work at the drill firm. This is a man committed to his work, and to providing for his family. When he needs to bring up the idea of the Potters to Petunia he skirts around it and chooses his words carefully. This is a man committed to loving his wife and to avoiding subjects he knows are painful to her. I know you can’t defend the way these people treat Harry throughout the books, but neither do you have to look at things as wholly black or white.

A second example: they often use a practice where they randomly point to a passage and they do a sort of deep read by looking at it four ways. First literally, then allegorically, then personally, then as an invitation. The passage they land on in the second chapter is when Dudley counts 36 presents and looks at his parents saying its two less than the year before. The female host who is Jewish, points out that in Judaism the number 36 is sacred because it is twice 18, and 18 is the numerical equivalent of the Hebrew letter/word for life. So 36 carries the meaning of double life (interpreted as prosperity or bounty). Consequently, gifts for Jewish holidays are often given in increments of $36. Dudley has been given the greatest gift one can give and it is still not enough for him. I thought this was a super cool interpretation of that moment we all love to reenact. I shared this thought with a Jewish friend of mine, she also thought it was really cool, but she asked me if I thought it was really supposed to mean that.

To which I responded, the intention is irrelevant. Here is a great quote I heard recently,

“We don’t see things how they are, we see things how we are.”

We all bring our own meaning to every experience. Whether J.K. knew what she was doing when she picked 36 isn’t important. The meaning we find comes from ourselves not from external sources. These so called “sacred texts” are just tools to reflect on our own experiences and see what we choose to see.

All that you manifest is before you

So I just finished working on a task that was pretty unethical. One of our clients is a company that’s two major shareholders, Sergei and Vladimir, were at one point accused of some financial crimes and they fled the country to Poland, where they were found by the authorities, and subsequently moved to Monaco. So in fairness, they committed these “crimes” in the 1990′s when literally everyone in Russia was committing “crimes” every day because there were basically no laws following the collapse of the Soviet Union. Additionally, the charges were eventually dropped. Also, the internet wasn’t really a thing when they were committing their “crimes”. Anyhow, our job as dutiful interns was to go through a list of web addresses and write up credible reasons why google should take the page down. Our boss will later submit this formally to Google. The thing is, the web pages are basically all articles, or profiles, or even community question sites that in any way mention these two dudes. Let’s be honest, you can’t just get a page taken down because you don’t want people to know about these guys. These aren’t even just pages that mention the crimes, this is any mention of the guys at all, and some pages that even just mention the company. Our client is tryna KGB disappear these guys from the digital age. So we basically just spent two days writing smart sounding justifications for some super corrupt bullsh*t. I feel dirty. I guess this is what “reputation enhancement” means. 

And another example of creepy Russia- 

I was running at the gym yesterday. I run on a treadmill that faces this wall of windows that looks out onto the street. Its on the first floor so people often look in as they walk by. Its kind of weird, but its nice to have something to look at while you’re spending 45 minutes running in place. So I was doing intervals yesterday. And I was in the middle of a really fast section. As I’m running, this young guy walks past and looks at me (all very routine), but then he stops and turns and takes his phone out and holds it in such a way for about 45 seconds that I can only imagine hes taking a video of me. Then he sort of smiles sheepishly, gives me a thumbs up and walks away. It was really weird. And I felt two ways about it, which made me feel a third way about it. 

First, that’s super creepy. It’s my body. I didn’t give you permission to take a video of it. I’m not there for your entertainment. I recognize I’m pretty literally on display behind that wall of windows, so I forgive you if you look at me while you walk by. But the audacity to stop and record is really out of line. I’m a feminist, obviously, and you can’t treat women that way, but moreover, you can’t treat people that way. We have to respect each other and not do creepy shit like that. 

Second, I’ve been working really hard at the gym lately. I never skip a workout, I’m usually there for two hours every day. I finally have my legs back to where they were pre ankle break, and and pretty close to peak cross country season. So I look really good, and I was running really fast. It’s nice for someone to appreciate all the effort I’ve been putting in. 

So then third, now I feel gross for not feeling totally gross about it. I’m that girl that men use as a justification for doing creepy shit, saying “they like the attention, I do it because they like it”. That guy did a gross thing which made me feel like the gross person. Uhg. 

Finally- Tomorrow is Saturday, and for some reason all of Russia has to work tomorrow. But don’t worry, it makes sense because we get work off for a holiday next week... I tried to tell them that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works... 

I’ve been in kind of a mood lately. So I haven’t written much. 

But, I had a lovely park day on Saturday. It was quite warm. I went with a friend and we got hot dogs and doughnuts from the park vendors. 

I’ve been considering how important it is to finish things. Lately with my runs, sometimes I am tired but I can keep running, because I just think how I finished last time, so I can finish this time. Its not so much like a “you can do it” thing. It’s more like, “you did it last time, so logically you will also be able to do it this time.” I realized I also did this with school work. When I had huge writing assignments, I never freaked out about them because in the past, I always got them done on time and I never failed, so logically, I would also complete the assignment well and on time this time as well. (yes the end of that sentence was specially designed to sound cool). It the inevitability of completion. If you make a habit of finishing things, then it just becomes easier to finish things on autopilot. 

I’ve also been realizing how american I really am. Not like other people can tell I’m american and I act like an american person. Consider this, I’m living in Moscow, and I don’t feel alienated or out of place whatsoever. I feel very comfortable here. But, when I watch an american tv show- there’s something intangible about it- beyond recognizable brands and locations and language- that feels like home. I think the best way to describe it is when you’ve spent the day in burlington or something, and you come home and its dark out and you’ve been in the car but you pull up the drive, and you shut the car off and open the door. The lights go off and you get out and you smell home and you hear home. It just washes over you, and you breathe easy, even though you didn’t realize you weren’t breathing easy before. 

That’s what your country is like. It’s not something quantifiable, its just a sense of ease and familiarity that you can’t recognize until you’re not in it. 

And the other thing on your own country- you have rights there. Even if your rights are constantly trodden on, or your minority is maligned by the majority, there’s a logic to standing your ground. When you’re outside your country, you’re barely a person legally. Its kind of a weird limbo situation. You just keep your head down and hope nothing official takes notice of you. 

A couple fun things, 

There was some drama outside my window last night. I did not see the actual incident, because I was only drawn to the window after I heard some angry yelling- but I think I was able to piece together a fairly accurate account. 

I believe that a pedestrian was crossing the road (not at the crosswalk) and was hit by a car. Not seriously hit, probably just enough to knock him over. I Sherlock Holmes’d this together from what I saw. A nice black car was stopped in the street angled toward the sidewalk with the driver’s side door open. There were two men in the street. One man, was yelling at the other, who was brushing off his legs and arms. The yelling man I determined to be the driver and the pedestrian attempted to walk away from the scene, however the driver grabbed him by the collar and yanked him back. There was a woman bystander who I think must have witnessed the incident. However, when the driver confronted her, she abandoned the scene. The driver made a phone call, then told the pedestrian to wait in the passenger seat. He then made kind of a dramatic show of checking out the front left side of his car with his phone flashlight. Eventually the police arrived. There was a fair amount of talking, then the police left. The man stayed seated in his car for some time and eventually departed. I thought it was pretty entertaining. A little overkill on the part of the driver, who apparently had no were important to go for a couple hours. However, I have heard that insurance scams are quite common in Russia, which is why everyone has dash cams- which is why Russian dash cam videos are such a big thing on the internet. 

I’ve started getting to the higher millage in my 1/2 marathon training. This probably means that I’m going to have to start doing my long runs in the park and not on the treadmill. It’s almost warm enough for this, because I can’t bring anything but what I want to run with if I want to run outside. I did six miles inside yesterday, It was ok but any longer and I think I’m going to risk injury from the repetitive motion. 

I have started using the sauna after my workouts though, that’s pretty fun. 

I went to the largest mall in Europe over the weekend. It was very large. I was pretty overwhelmed. However, it was a cool experience for a couple reasons. First, its a bit outside the center of the city. You can take the metro all the way out there, but you have to change over from the old metro to the new one. The new metro is so modern its a stark contrast from the main metro. Although, the Metro within the ring line is really beautify and in great condition (way better than NYC), it still has the feel of being built a while ago and is predominantly brick and tile. The new metro is marble and glass, with much higher tech cars. 

So I took the metro out to where the mall is located, which is pretty much in a construction zone. This is pretty interesting because there is a lot of construction between the first and second ring roads of the city. One of EM’s clients is a large development agency, so I’ve been translating a ton of documents and reports for them. This city is seriously being developed. Huge residential and commercial complexes. Essentially, Russia is just starting work on their suburban sprawl.

I’ve actually been thinking about this quite a bit. A lot of Americans don’t take Russia seriously. The main comments usually boil down to something along the lines of how behind they are. However- I think this might actually be to there advantage. The United States has plateaued, we aren’t really growing anymore. We already filled in all our space. In fact, a lot of major cities are dealing with issues associated with a declining urban population, leaving abandoned and dilapidated districts.  

Russia’s cities are growing, they are still drawing in new residents, the number of people (end especially of 2+ children families) that are eligible for and seeking mortgages is rising steadily. Russia is building its middle class. They have the space and the environmental resources to continue expanding for decades. This is why they are a “threat”. Russia often refers to itself as the third Rome, and has for quite a long time. If there was any empire on the rise, It would definitely be Russia. 

I think that is part of the reason (cold war aside) that there is so much animosity between our nations. The US is a bit like Great Britain was. Watching their glorious empire start to falter a little bit, and seeing some annoying rough and tumble “wild west” nation start to take over the spotlight. 

I’ll be very interested to see how this all plays out. 

Anyway the site of the mall really drives this idea home. Huge buildings in a wide open territory, and the construction continues. 

I got to play some video games over the weekend. That was really nice, although I miss my xbox- and most of all, my one true love, Geralt of Rivia. I actually got Elana (my closest college friend) to start reading the books right before we graduated, and she is still sending me snapchat updates about all the heart wrenching twists and turns. 

I also changed my part (my hair) back to how it naturally was several years ago. I’m just trying it out, but I’m trying to find my “adult” hairstyle. 

Another update on the food thing. It’s very hard to eat healthy, but it’s very easy to avoid packaged foods. So I guess it’s kind of you win some you lose some. The only packaged food I indulge in is the little yogurt packs with the little chocolate things you dump in- because those are just delicious. 

I saw the Netflix is releasing a remake of Lost in Space. That looks pretty good, and I’m just about to finish up Altered Carbon- so good timing on their part. Netflix is really killing it with the original series lately. On the movie topic though, I heard that A Quiet Place is getting great reviews, and I kind of want to see it. the premise looks really good, and bonus it isn't dialog heavy so the Russian won’t be difficult to follow. However, I’m complete crap with horror movies so idk if I could handle it, especially in theater. 

This is going to be a collection of my absent minded musings over the past week- 

I have started using the gym shower after I exercise. It’s really lovely, good water pressure. It threw me for a loop the first time though, because there’s no locks, or even latches, you just kind of position the door in a closed position. It’s ok though, because the doors and walls of the shower stall are made from lightly frosted glass, so you can see when someone is using the stall without checking. In fact, the whole nudity issue is pretty lax here. I always forget that the US is so uptight about it. I have seen a lot of completely naked Russian women’s bodies lately. And I don’t just mean between being undressed and being wrapped in a towel. They spend a lot of time totally naked, blow drying their hair, and applying makeup and various lotions. A lot of body positivity here. Anyway, that’s just something I’ve been subjected to lately. 

As I’ve been training for the half marathon, I’ve been drawn to thinking about the last time I ran a half marathon. And since I’m still suffering from a particularly harsh breakup (by my standards), I’ve been drawn to thinking about that last breakup as well. I’ve come to think of the entire relationship like that half marathon in a strange way. I spent that whole race encouraging and practically dragging that kid (who had done very little training despite my advisement) along. Then in the last 400 meters, when I was tired and burnt out after carrying us for two hours of running, he told me he was gunna, “run up ahead to catch that guy.” I told him he could do what he wanted. So he did. I don’t think I ever really forgave him for doing that, but I did learn from it. I spent most of that relationship encouraging and dragging him along, but instead of being abandoned in the last 400 meters, I decided to save my energy for my own race and left him behind instead. It’s weird that this is how I think about those three plus years now, but it must be said- if you do me wrong, I will never let it go. 

This was a very expensive week for me, so I have resolved to spend less money in the future. I became a gym member; it was waaaaaaaaaay too expensive. But I really needed access to a treadmill and weight room. Supply and demand. Anyway, because it was so expensive, I’m really motivated to go everyday, and I have been. It’s right across from work which makes it really easy to go after I get out. The treadmills are on the ground floor facing out toward the street in front of these big windows. Anyway, I can only assume that a coworker saw me running there, because today he sent me a link for the Moscow half marathon in May. I signed up, mostly for the t shirt though. I get bored at the gym without a purpose anyway. 

I also purchased a ticket to see a ballet at the Bolshoi Theater in May. I figured you can’t not go if you live in Moscow. It was also an expensive ticket, not as expensive as the gym though. It’s called the Legend of Love, and apparently, it’s one of the great works of the Soviet Union. I figured if you’re going to the Bolshoi only once, you should probably see something Russian. 

I’ve really settled in to the routine now. The girl at the breakfast place knows my order, I have an Italian friend to explore Museums with, the gym is great, my British intern comrade showed me an awesome little coffee place and explained the difference between “hot chocolate” and “cocoa” here (which is major apparently, always get cocoa), I have a discount card at the little market/grocery store and at the sporting good store, I finally got a blanket when a coworker drove out to Ikea- so now my bed is very comfortable and I don’t feel the mattress wires all night. I guess I pretty much live in Moscow. I like it, its a really good city for residents, I’m excited to see what New York is like by comparison.