☕️

I like to talk about it and I like to seek attention but I don’t do it just for theatre’s sake.

Whenever I talk about my childhood, I turn it into a story that’s cartoonishly bad that it’s actually funny, but there’s also an electricity underneath the grin.

Something I only now realised was fury.

“Don’t I deserve to be angry? Don’t I deserve to be furious at the conditions that I have endured? The smiles I wore when the people around me failed me?”

How can I hit my 10k and lose weight if I don’t have good shoes to walk in?

However, my dad DID give me this pre workout lemon ginger mix thing a month ago. The way my legs no longer felt like anchors was so freeing. The way my heart started functioning at a baseline and my lethargy just disappeared. Sheer magic.

Visited Germany for the first time and all the girls were so thin. I swear I saw like 5 extremely disordered girls while I was there. I defo felt that pang of envy looking at their thigh gaps and shoulder bones, but when I saw their faces, it was like looking at corpses. It was so deeply offputting.

While I was there, my friend gave me new tops and a new dress that would only ever look good on someone WAY thinner. the way my clothes clung and hung on my body? Concerning. I was like… this SHOULDN’T be the frame I’m working with.

I remembered when I was younger I grew up in a hyper modest culture, so I never quite showed skin and thus my ana symptoms were not as related to physical insecurity as they were to wanting something to control in my hyper controlled life.