Little Peach

Back in California, I had this spot I would drive to when I was anxious or needed out of the house or was sad. I’d drive down PCH for about 30 minutes with my windows down. I’d end up at this beach, by day it was incredibly crowded, but in the middle of the night it was quiet, other than the sound of the ocean and nearby bars. I spent so much time there, crying and thinking and staring at seemingly nothing for hours. I wondered if I would ever find an escape spot in Portland. I didn't realize the importance of a spot like that until I was here and I was trying to find a place to go and I just ended up more anxious and upset that I couldn't find it. Tonight I pulled into a familiar parking lot that I had never really considered a choice in the past, but something brought me there tonight. I sat on the hood of my car and ate the mediocre pizza I had just picked up from the pizza place that hosts a monthly queer party, and I watched how the city moved in all different directions. the air has gotten colder now, but the hood of my car kept my butt warm. It smelled right, it felt right, and my head swam in all the directions I needed it to so I could make home feel comfortable again. I found that place again. 

I keep trying to go back and finish this essay I’ve been writing for two months but every time I go back theres even more to the story, and ending it feels like giving up. And I should give up, and part of me thinks I have. But then I am trying to end this stupid essay about this stupid girl and I can never get myself to write a final paragraph. 

I am such a headstrong person, I stick to my word and Im stubborn and don’t let those who wronged me get off easy, if ever. I don't know where that goes with her. Im mad at her but then Im sad she doesn't exist in my orbit, so Im apologizing for things I didn't do to make her see me again. I feel 18 again, when I was so in love and SO in denial- willing to drop everything and then some for a person who only kept me around as a last resort. I promised I’d never let myself be that again! Ever! I grew from that, Im bigger for it. I am not here to bend every which-way to make space for someone who would never even consider doing the same for me. But here I am - bending

DID Y’ALL KNOW “WATERFALLS” BY TLC WAS ABOUT A DUDE DYING OF HIV???! DID YOU???? I literally had no idea???? my life is changed forever I can't ever sing it at a waterfall again what have I done

okay so maybe I'm bleeding but listen I have been so emotional the past few days because everything seems to be lining up really well for me in multiple life/career endeavors! I am just starting out as an intern for a friend who is a successful sex educator, her last intern is now teaching classes she used to teach. I am going to be doing some guest writing on her website and doing all the back-end stuff and I will get to shadow her during classes. A couple other sex educators I know saw I was interning for her and also volunteered to have me shadow them and co-work with them. I feel so lucky to have this community and this space and I feel like I am really finding so much more here. On top of that, a friend of mine who works in casting is helping me get some auditions for tv stuff (specifically a show that is maybe known for poking fun at Portland) and might maybe have an audition for me. She introducing me to some actors in the area as well who know of places to get involved in theater and what not. EVERYTHING IS SO COOL I KNOW COOL PEOPLE tbh I know all of them through my femme sex coven so I am feeling ultra #blessed. thank u universe. Now if only the grl I am pretending not to like wasnt the fucking worst lol. 

Wow I can't WAIT to come up with a tag for the girl who is torturing me rn it's going to be a blast. I am equally excited for the one I get to come up with for my queer sex coven that I have really witchy informative group sex parties with we are going on a JOURNEYYYY