"Just tell me what you want!"
"Stop it, Eddie! Stop making this more difficult than it already is!"
"If it's so difficult, then maybe you shouldn't be moving out!"
Buck felt like he was already crying, his words coming out pleading and shaky. Eddie was no better, his hair haphazard and messy from irritated hands and his eyes looking suspiciously shiny.
To an outsider it would look like they were currently going through a break-up. Buck couldn't even appreciate the irony in that right now.
"Are you —" Eddie made an aborted movement to reach for his hand, "Are you in some kind of trouble and are protecting me by moving out? Because, if so —"
"No." Maybe he should say that the IRS is after him for bad returns and he didn't want to drag Eddie down with him. "No, it's not like that. I— I just have to do this. We'll both be better off this way."
"No," Eddie said vehemently, stepping closer until they were toe-to-toe. "No. You said you weren't getting what you wanted from here and that's why you had to go. Don't turn this into some kind of martyr sacrifice. I told you that I want you here, that I don't need space. So whatever it is that you're not getting, we can figure it out, Buck!"
Buck was deeply regretting using those words. But he hadn't expected the intensity of Eddie's push back to Buck presenting him with the lease from his new place that just he had to sign and blurted out the truth. And now Eddie had latched onto them like a leech.
"It's not something to figure out, Eddie, so, just please —"
"Well, how can I know that if you don't spit it out! We're just going in circles right now and yet, I'm still no closer to knowing what the fuck I apparently can't give you!"
Disbelief at the way he was willingly ruining his life and the relief of finally letting the truth out warred within him as he took a step back. His back collided gently with the fridge and the tears flowed free.
"You," Buck choked out again when Eddie looked stunned into silence. "I want you. And I know I can't have you. Not the way I want. So, I have to move out, because staying here," Buck laughed ruefully, "It'll kill me to have you within reach and yet not close enough. I have to go, Eddie, I have to. I need to save myself this time."
"Save it," Buck snapped, cutting off Eddie's strained whisper harshly. Eddie didn't deserve rudeness, ever, but Buck didn't have it in him to listen to any plaintive words. He knew he was very close to breaking fully and he needed to be away from Eddie before that happened. "I'll be out of the house by the end of the week," he spoke clinically, wiping away his tears. He had to stick to the facts, anything else would be a one-way road to a total breakdown. "I need a couple of hours to pack everything, so just tell me when you'll be out so that I can come over. You don't have to worry about anything else."
Eddie wasn't saying anything and Buck wasn't about to stick around for him to find his words.
So, turning his back to the love of his life, Buck walked away, not looking back. All he could manage before the door shut behind him was a somber, "Goodbye, Eddie."
Hearing Maddie say 'Evan?' was all the permission his mind and heart had needed to finally let go after being held captive so that he could mechanically drive to his sister's house.
It was odd that heartbreak would bring any kind of relief but that was what he felt as he sunk to the floor with his sister's hands cupping his face and running through his hair. Relief that he had Maddie because when he came to LA, there was no one. And he'd just lost everything.
But at least he had Maddie this time.
Eddie knew he looked pathetic. He hadn't slept, hadn't eaten, hadn't showered. He was wearing a hoodie that was too big and falling off his shoulders and he was pretty sure there were tear tracks imprinted into his cheeks.
But he needed to see him. So he got in the car and just drove.
There were no greetings exchanged when the door swung open. Just a hoarse, "Please let me see him".
"Is he about to hear something he won't like?" Maddie asked him plainly. Eddie had to respect her straightforwardness.
He shook his head. "I— I don't know what I want to say right now. I just want to see him. Please."
He didn't know what Maddie saw but she nodded him in. He needed to remember to send her something in gratitude.
"He's out back. Take your time."
Buck was faced away from him, sitting in the sunlight, head tilted up into the sky. He didn't move as Eddie noisily shut the sliding door behind him.
"Chim, I told you I'll be fine. You don't need to come out here every twenty minutes."
Eddie didn't say anything. He just went up to him, needing to look at his face. He stopped a couple of feet away but it was enough.
Tear tracks stained his face too and the dark circles under his eyes were the worst that he'd ever seen on Buck. But with the sun shining off his unkempt curls and splotchy face, Eddie thought he looked ethereal. He felt reprieve for the first time since Buck had shown him those godforsaken lease papers yesterday.
Buck's eyebrows furrowed when he didn't speak. Eddie wanted to touch them with his thumb and smooth them away. He wanted to touch Buck forever and never let go.
The joy was seeing the blue of Buck's eyes was short-lived, because once they landed on him, Buck had jumped further away, the chair crashing to the ground between them in his haste.
"No! I don't want to hear about how much you value me as a friend or how I'll always have a place in your life. This is cruel, Eddie! You're being cruel to me right now."
"I wasn't about to say any of that!"
Really, Buck cutting him off was getting tedious now.
"No! So, will you please just —"
Frustrated, Eddie stopped and marched up to Buck, putting his hands on his face and staring deep into his eyes. He had to make Buck see.
"I don't know what I'm feeling right now, but I'll tell you what I do know. I know Chris found me two hours later still inconsolable. I know that only his threat of calling you was what made me snap out of it. I know that I only forced myself to eat because of Chris, even when I know it'd all came spewing out later. I know that he was worried sick about me all night and yet, all I could think about was you.
"I didn't sleep. I didn't want to sleep without you next to me. I felt so cold and miserable in that big bed. This hoodie was the only thing that was able to soothe me. You walking away from me felt like my world had shattered and I could do nothing to glue it back together."
Eddie pulled him down, his eyes closing as their foreheads touched. His next words were so soft that he thought Buck couldn't hear them. "Last night was the worst night of my life, Buck. I can't go through that again. Please come back. Come back to me. We can figure everything else out, I promise. I may be confused about my feelings, but I do know, without a doubt, that I don't want to be without you. Not for another second."
The whimper that came out of him when Buck wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him in was no surprise. He'd spent all night craving Buck's touch, his warm embrace that envelopes him so wholly. It felt like heaven when he ducked his head to nuzzle into Buck's neck, knowing that he'd never be safer than right there.
"Okay," Buck murmured, chest rumbling under his cheek, "Okay, Eddie, I'll come back to you."
The door closing echoed throughout the empty house. Eddie knew Chris would've left for school by now. It was a relief — he didn't need to see them at odds like this.
Buck stayed close to the wall by the door, his eyes full of fear and dread, aimed right at him. Eddie hated it.
He approached him. When he was within reach, he lay his palms on Buck's chest, fingers gentle and spread wide. As they trailed up slowly, he felt the way his breath hitched.
"I want to," Eddie said, unwavering. His hands overlapped behind Buck's neck. "I want to. Will you let me?"
For a long moment, Buck just stared and Eddie stared right back. And then Buck nodded.
He wasn't on his tiptoes when their lips met, but it was a near thing. He didn't think he'd ever need that to kiss anyone. It was exciting.
The kiss was chaste, just a press of lips. Eddie didn't know what to expect and Buck didn't want to push. When he fell back onto the balls of his feet, lips parted and tingling, he gazed into Buck's hesitant eyes and knew.
Eddie was never going back.
Their second kiss started hungry from Eddie's side, with Buck following not too far behind. He was quick to get over the initial shock of being abruptly dragged down to meet eager lips when Eddie's fingers effortlessly slipped into his hair, blunt nails scratching deliciously at his scalp.
Eddie gasped when he realized that he was being moved, twisted around and pushed up against the wall that Buck had just been occupying. Eddie found that being cornered whilst being kissed senseless was the most exhilarating thing he'd ever felt. Being caged up against a wall wasn't scary at all, not when it was Buck.
Nothing would ever be scary again.
"Bed," Eddie moaned out when Buck freed his lips to start kissing down his neck, worrying the sensitive skin with his teeth. "Take me to bed, Buck."
Buck wretched himself away, surprise taking over his features. "Really?" he asked in wonder.
"Yes, really," Eddie grinned. He cupped his cheek, thumb tracing the edge of the dark circle. "I'm in this. There's no getting rid of me. Ever."
Buck's bright laugh struck him in his heart, making him feel dopey and dazed as Buck led them to their bedroom. He knew then that he'd do anything to hear that giddy laugh again.
For the rest of his life.
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