hi, it's me

I asked God for signs. And he gave it to me. Hindi lang naaayon sa akin yung sign na pinursue ko. So I guess, this is His answer to my questions.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt something like this. Tipong nagfflutter talaga yung puso ko pag nakikita siya. Sino ba namang hindi kikiligin? Nasa kanya na halos lahat. Every single thing na you want to see in a man, nasa kanya na. Nakakagulat lang na ganito ako halos kabilis mahulog, and hindi siya yung tipong crush-then-forget-later; siya yung lalaking kahit saan man ako tumingin, nakikita ko yung mukha niya. It was just a short period of time... but up until now, he still lingers in my mind. 

It’s also my fault for letting him run around my daydreams. Naging delusional ako with our little interactions because I thought there was something, but it was just pure imagination. Ngayon na binigay na sa akin ni Lord ang pinakamalaking sign, mas nasolidify ang pagkaambisyosa ko. Hindi ko alam kung matatawa o iiyak ba ako, pero simula’t sapul dapat di na ako umasa dahil he’s WAAAY out of my league. And I’m just a f*cking mess that can’t even love herself and is currently having identity crisis and anxiety. He’s very sure of his life and he has means to achieve it. Ako? I still don’t know what I want to do... and I can’t do anything for myself without sacrificing something. 

Now, I want to let this feeling go. Maybe writing something would help me ease the pain & sadness that I’m feeling right now. I don’t have anyone to talk about my feelings; and ayokong marinig ng paulit ulit ang pagkadelusional and tanga ko. I admit it din naman. I wish that he’ll find the one na dahil how come na wala pa siyang love life? He’s a good man. And he deserves all the best. Even God knows that. I’ll just watch him from afar and cheer for him even if I can hear my heart crack a bit. Hahaha. Sakanya ko lang ulit naramdaman yung paghigpit ng puso ko. But I guess God has different plans for me. Maybe he’s just a small piece of a chapter sa libro ng buhay ko. 

i’m super jealous bc the ‘greatest’ people, aka ang mga pinagpala sa lahat, from my batch can excel in studies and executions (cum laude, magna cum laude) and at the same time have a very great social life (like, they’re partying so hard at this very moment)