ray's soap box

my youtube channel

i'm still here because i don't want to hurt them with my death.

but why should i care about how they feel when no one can understand how i truly feel?

because here's the thing: if you see someone in need, most people would agree it's your moral responsibility to try to help them in some way, even if at the cost of your own well being. but when you need help, it's only up to you to pull yourself up, it's no one's responsibility but yours.

and yet, if you believe in the opposite case in either scenario, you're still fucked because then you're a selfish prick, or you're a kissass doormat waiting to be stepped on.

and i don't even care anymore which is better. people just don't seem to know if they want individuality or plurality. you're too selfish, you're a prick, you're too community driven, you're no one. who even cares anymore? and isn't me complaining about this still part of the problem anyway?

what the fuck is wrong with us, and why? literally, just, why? that fucking question was the gift we were bestowed with to do what we do, and it's also the bane of our existence.

i don't know what to do anymore. i don't want to hurt people. i don't want to be evil. but the world is rotting away, and i only see one way of cleansing it from the cancer that aills it, and if this be my destiny, then let me take it upon my own hands to do what needs to be done. and if i am not the one for the job, if this is all wrong and these are all just the ramblings of a madman, then let me heal, or let me die.

and i know God is not real, good or omnipotent because if He was as they say he is, i would not live like this. my parents, my brother, my friends, and everyone i have ever loved would not live like this. indeed, suffering and death are what make life worth living. but is this really the way things are? is this really how things should be?

And when I say "we", I mean humanity. This sounds super edgy and pedantic, but honestly, after everything that has been going on around the world, it kinda feels like everyone is incapable of actually doing something meaningful to truly make things right. Everyone loses their shit every weekend when their government fucks them over in some way. Everyone knows climate change is a thing and it ain't getting better. Everyone is looking for any escape from the perils of modern life, to the degree that it no longer feels like anyone is really living. Everyone and their mother complains about capitalism slowly consuming the very essence of what it means to be human.

But who really can (or wants) to get rid of it for good? Most people cannot concern themselves with the system that oppresses them when they don't know if they will be able to eat tomorrow. Some people are too afraid of the consequences that might befall them if they decide to take matters into their own hands. Some just want to pretend like there's nothing wrong, and the only ones that can or want to do something are the ones that are too far gone off the deep end to actually be able to do something worthwhile.

So then what even is the point? I cannot just say "fuck it" and start to just look out for myself, that'd be selfish and just contributing to the problem, letting the people in power win. But can I really do something about any of this on my own? Can I truly care for others if I cannot stand my own existence? Do I even know if I am doing right by others, or just deluding myself into believing I am?

I just want it all to end. The pain, the rage, the sorrow, the fear, the evil. Not for me, but for mankind. Is that really too much to ask? If God is real, why can't He show us the light once more? Does He not care? Does He WANT it to be like this? And if He's not, then why can't people find it in their souls to put a stop to this madness? Why were we given the ability to suffer, and the desire to avoid it like nothing else in the world, only for that to be THE constant in our lives, and really, the only thing that gives us meaning? How is that not hell on Earth? How can anyone look at what we are and then not know why some choose to end their lives? Why can't we reach the truth? Why are we damned to live? Why can't we know the answer to any of these questions? Just, why, why, why?

Anyways, sorry for being so melodramatic, but I really just don't know what to do anymore with this constant feeling of despair I feel every waking moment. I have tried everything, and nothing works, and the people around me get away because they cannot stand my suffering, not because they don't care, but because they care too much and simply can't do anything about it, and so they despair.

"You cannot reach me now..."

"...no matter how you try..."

"Goodbye cruel world, it's over."

tl;dr i wish conservatives would just stop trying to pretend they care about women and that what they really want is to just fucking kill trans people. that's it, that's the post. if you stick around, i hope you at least find this to be a fun one.

but ok, can we please just take a step back and talk about just how fucking stupid the whole debate around trans inclusion in sports really is?

like, just think about it.

the people that are opposed to it ALWAYS come up with the most convoluted technicalities and counterarguments to defend their opinion, never ever treating the discussion as a serious debate, always acting as if said technicalities are definitive proof of some sort of massive advantage, and always wanting to portray a narrative of "protecting women and women's sports from the objectively evil and perverted trans women", never actually treating the whole thing from an objective point of view while also ignoring some of the (in my opinion) more pressing issues female athletes face such as sexual harassment, shitty pay, and a deliberate lack of media coverage and recognition by the general public (which, i think, should be noted that are both deeply rooted in how the current major sports institutions of the world —such as the modern olympic games— were founded with the intent of using sports as a propaganda tool for patriarchal, misogynisitic, racist, queerphobic, imperialist and fascist ideas and probably a whole lot of -isms that i don't remember at the moment).

if that's not enough to convince you that this is a thinly veiled attempt at a fundamentally bigoted and discriminatory political movement, just look at who they are targetting: it's either trans women, or cis women that don't conform to traditional western standards of femininity. just to name a few (which are mostly boxers because i fucking love boxing), it's people like imane khelif, gabi garcia, alejandra jiménez, or even friggin' ann wolfe.

that's not to say trans men don't face discrimination in sports. they absolutely do, and even though i believe trans women ultimately get the shorter end of the stick, trans men are discriminated in an even more absurd way than their female counterparts. with trans women you can at least make the argument that it may be more fair for them to compete against cis men, but trans men are just fucked. according to conservatives, they're both too weak to go up against cis men and too strong to go up against cis women, so if anti-trans inclusion advocates had it their way, trans men would just not be allowed to be athletes in the first place.

and that's not even mentioning the fact that this whole thing is hinged upon the idea of women being INHERENTLY weaker than men, which is just not true and reflects a larger worldview that ultimately denigrates women and further tries to consolidate the idea of them being the "weak and frail" gender. it is true that men ON AVERAGE are stronger than women and that this is because of actual biological differences caused by sex hormones, but i've seen way too many people (mostly gymbros on social media) genuinely believe even the best (and in the case of martial arts, biggest) of female athletes would stand NO chance against an AVERAGE guy. it's fucking insane.

seriously, it's so fucking obvious that this is just a political move by the right that i find it baffling how even the dumbest and most oblivious people that happen to defend conservative to outright far-right ideologies don't realize this. it speaks magnitudes of volume on how absolutely deranged the american right is, and how it's influence on the rest of the world might as well just end up killing us all in a blaze of nuclear hellfire.

and i am not even writing this wall of text because of current events concerning military operations in iran, palestine, venezuela, driver licenses and trans people in kansas, and a cabal of billionare pedophiles that people have done absolutely fucking nothing to bring to justice.

no, the only fucking reason i wrote this is because i've been through the ringer lately, and at this point the only thing that i believe i will ever actually be able to live off of (and that's only IF i am even good enough for it and i actually get paid for it) is pursuing a career in professional boxing, since i couldn't do shit in college because of the fucking mental trauma i have from living as an autistic person in a country that doesn't fucking care about people like me and actively makes our lives worse off for it, and because any other option won't be able to support me, my family, and the friends that i need to help financially because none of us can find work that is either decently paid or not being slowly replaced by shitty AI assistants, even when half of us are degree holding motherfuckers.

but guess what, chucklenuts: i'm trans! but since i haven't started medically transitioning and i'm not even out to most people, that means i'll either have to suck it up, live as a man despite the toll that takes on my mental health but at least being able to compete, or otherwise, i transition, and then i probably won't be allowed to compete because mr president of the united shits of american't dolan trumpet (who isn't even MY fucking president because i am not american) wants to distract people from the fact that he is a serial rapist and pedophile that is also directly responsible for the deaths of thousands (if not MILLIONS at this point), that, all in all, is just yet another brick in a wall built by the greed, egoism and fear of losing power of a bunch of idiots from ages ago who will die literally clutching their pearls as if they were to take them to the after life, as if they were worth more than a single human life, much less the BILLIONS that have perished just for one more penny.

of all fucking characters, it was zangief from street fighter that said that "fighting is the best thing to do when life gets you down." but when not even that is an option for most people, what the fuck are any of us supposed to do?

part of what made the web so fun as a kid was discovering new sites, finding new people, and getting into new interests and hobbies just by typing random shit on the youtube search bar, but now i just get the same videos i have watched for the last 6 years and it just gets boring.