Fuck this world.

for #lydiamartinappreciationweek @softranswolves

I never understood why you would get so angry. But I knew it was for the same reason why you would always come home late, and why you never could keep a job, and why you’d come home throwing up all over everything. The instinct I gained to always keep everyone safe came from you. Not that you have it, you forced me into it. You taught me to always be scared. For Mom, for you. I remember crying when you’d leave because I knew you weren’t going to come back the same person you were when you left. I loved my daddy but I hated the person you loved to be. I just wished I could make you understand that the person you are without it, the person you are inside, was so perfect to me. When I was little and I looked up to you, my eyes would sparkle with wonderment and pride. I was proud to be yours, to have my name on your arm. You used to call me your lucky charm. I remember after you’d fight with mom you’d sneak in my room and get me dressed over my pjs to take me to Grammas with you on the fourwheeler. We’d sing in the kitchen while you made me scrambled eggs. You were my favorite person to sing to. I could always tell how happy you wanted to make me. All you had to do was stay.

- Are you mad at me?

- Are you sure you're not mad at me?

- You can tell me if I did something.

- If you're mad at me it's okay, I understand.

- But for real, are you mad at me?

- Why are you mad at me?

- I know you said you're not but I feel like you're mad at me.

You were present, but it never felt like a warm presence. It feels like a cold wind,

Always there for an outsiders kid but never your own. Always praising the good deeds and achievements of children who weren't yours but never even acknowledging the achievements your your child achieved,

Always blaming your child when they stood up against the bullies who made life hell in school and telling them that it was their fault they bullied you,

Never participating in loving and raising the child and to avoid any confrontation from outside, you always blamed mum for my hatred against you,

Buying expensive things to show the world you love your child, but that money cannot buy your love for me,

Thank you for not being there in my life.

You have taught me ann important lesson. Thanks to you, now I don't trust no one.

I fear love because I am afraid I will end up with someone like you. I envy the kids who got your warm love but I got a cold absence.

The only reason I even show you an ounce of respect is for my mother, I have had enough of people slandering her name because you refused to stand up,

She knows, if I show you my hatred, it will prove to the outsiders that you're a holy man and she's the devil,

But the reality is far from truth,

You're the real culprit, you're the reason the 5 year old girl who yearned for her father's love had to be killed and buried deep and a girl who wants to depend on no one was born,

A girl who'd rather be on her own than sought another person's love and only depend on her mother's love to survive.

Thank you for not being there in my life.

Whenever I read people's stories about the wisdom or the properties/business built by their parents, my heart hurts a little.

I have classmates who are sent to graduate school or further studies without having to worry about tuition or books or living expenses. I have work colleagues who talked about their choice to rest, work on the family business until they figure what they want to do. I have friends who were gifted with business capitals. I have friends who talked about treating their parents to a trip... and being able to do it because they only pay for their own living expenses.

Then here I am, always worrying about my parents' health and making the dependents' HMO a deciding factor when I choose job offers. Here I am, always needing to raise funds for bail or for an operation or for a family trip. Here I am, needing to put in a percentage of my earnings to make sure I share budget so my parents have enough to eat, to buy medicine.

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to have that security as a child... not needing to worry if your tuition loan would be paid on time, if you have baon for next week or to pay for projects. Not needing to consider applying into bars, just because your rakets are no longer making ends meet. Sometimes I wonder what life choices I might have made for my career, for my self, if I need not worry about keeping my parents secure.

Nakakapagod na din maging anak. I love them, but I hope they made better choices when they were young. I know they tried their best, but lately, my Father has been heavy to carry. My Mother has changed for the better, yet she is chained to this man who could not provide for his family, and even expects his children to pay for everything he wants. I am so tired of seeing my Dad and getting angry, irritated, sad, sorry for how his life turned out... when he does nothing to change.

I had the best laughters as a child because of my Father. I was a Daddy's girl. But, adulthood shows you who the toxic parent really was. It shows you that the villain was actually the heroine trying to pull the family together, making ends meet, yet serving as a wife.