The PTSD Chronicles

My Open Letter to The Shooter

I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that the world spit you out and failed you. We must have failed you, there’s no other way this could have happened. We absolutely failed you, and I’m so sorry. We failed all of those children. Why did you do this? Did someone evil ruin you? Is that why you feel like you need to ruin things for others? The anger i have in my heart over your actions is greatly profound, but there is sorrow in my soul as well. I felt every life you stole, didn't you? The whole world felt it. You made the innocent suffer for your pain and that is abhorrent and unspeakable. Yet, i desperately wish someone could have saved you. 

Sincerely, An Empath.   

My Thoughts in The Wake of Another School Shooting

It’s been almost two weeks now. Two weeks since an armed gunman walked into a school and did the unspeakable.  We have been here before, so many countless times, and yet, here I am, talking about the same old shit. I fear now more than ever, that we will be stuck in this terrible cycle of violence perpetually. It is so vital that we end school shootings now, before we see more horrific acts of violence toward our young people.

What Are We Missing?

Clearly, we are missing something huge. What is really causing these horrible shootings to continue? To find the cause, we must ask ourselves one of the worst questions imaginable. What makes a child go to school and kill other children? Needless to say, I think that it would be very unlikely for you to hurt your classmates if you liked them. No one would enter a building full of their friends and open fire. The past week or so for me has consisted of gathering as much information about these types of events as I can. My most reliable information has come from all the people around me and on the internet. It is very valuable to learn what the general population thinks and feels about events like this, it allows us to see where our societies weakest points are. In my opinion, the weakest points in our communities are in our schools. Schools allow so many of our young people to fall through the cracks. Administration needs to be better, and we need a higher student to teacher ratio. If we have more teachers, less children will be overlooked, and mental health issues will be able to be seen that much quicker. Administration in schools need to bring their students and teachers together, and they need to make sure their teachers are able to identify red flags in students. Furthermore, school psychologists need to actually be doing their jobs, we need to be having yearly mental health evaluation for all students, and we need to be consistently offering at risk students support and kindness. Overall, the guns are not causing the problems, lack of community supports and lack of teachers in schools are some major considering factors. Do I think more gun control could help, yes it could, but don’t we also want to stop these problems before it happens? I have put together a list of possible red flags that teachers need to be trained to look for in their students.

Red Flags…..What We Can Do to Help

1.       Drastic personality changes

2.       Continuous criminal and violent behaviors

3.       Talking about or displaying an enjoyment in cruelty

4.       Self-imposed isolation

5.       History of a trauma or personal loss or tragedies

6.       Erratic unpredictable behaviors

7.       Drastic change in physical appearance

8.       Visibly callous and unemotional

9.       History of abuse against them/perpetrating abuse on others

10.   Discipline has no effect on the child’s behavior

We can help people who are sick. But we need to know the signs. The list of red flags I composed are mostly major signs or causes of psychopathy in young people. Now I cannot express this enough, mental illness is not synonymous with psychopathy. You can have a vast array of mental illnesses and still not be considered to have psychopathy. In order to be considered a psychopath you must meet several criteria. Often mental illness and psychopathy can have similar identifying factors; however, they are still separate.  However, it is true that most psychopaths do have mental illnesses of some kind, that doesn’t necessarily mean everyone with bi polar is a psychopath, and honestly its almost the exact opposite, most people who have mental illness are not psychopaths. In fact, psychopathy is pretty rare, especially since many children who display psychopathic tendencies in childhood almost always grow out of those traits. The reason for that is because children who suffer from these types of traits and characteristics can almost never hide them well, some can, but usually it sticks out to people who have been trained to see it. These children have conduct disorders and severe emotional disturbances, and teachers need to be able to recognize the difference between a child who is simply misbehaving and a child that is suffering with things they have almost no control over. Teachers also need to know the difference between a rough kid and a child that enjoys cruelty and violence (This is an important one).   If teachers are trained to see these things we will be better able to pin point the kids who we need to help the most, and the kids that might need more help than we can give them in schools. But this is very important, because if we can help kids cope with their problems before they become worse, we can help stop future violent offences.  

Body Memories & The Media

Body memories are a lesser known symptom of Post-traumatic stress. So often when trauma is presented in the media and pop culture we see the same cookie cutter symptoms every time.  While the classic symptoms of PTSD can be extremely debilitating, the lesser known symptoms of trauma are also extremely debilitating, and they also deserve recognition. PSTD is already a very invisible affliction, it’s extremely common for sufferers to have to “prove” that they are actually sick. The physical symptoms of trauma can last for decades and for outsiders this is very hard to comprehend, especially if mentally you’re in a more positive place. A body memory is pretty much a physical flashback. As a young person I experienced this kind of flashback a lot, especially if I was under extreme stress. At the time I was completely unaware of what was happening inside my body, all I knew was that I was experiencing extreme physically distress. This distress was so profound that it crippled me, I couldn’t move or breathe, and it felt like I was breathing through a straw, it’s what I would imagine death feels like. Now, I need to impress upon you that body memories are just the beginning when it comes to physical symptoms associated with trauma. People can experience a large array of physical symptoms along with the other emotional and mental problems they may have. It has been almost a decade since my trauma, and sometimes I still wake up in the dead of night covered in sweat, freezing from my core. Some days I wake up profoundly nauseous, with acute grief in my heart, and then I’m right back there at that house, on that day, living it all over again. I think it would surprise people what the brain can do to the body, the brain can break even the strongest bodies. The brain can create crippling fear, and horrific stress that can bring you to your knees. Even as the years pass on and our memories start to fade, our brain’s still hold an extremely profound amount of unremembered information, that isn’t readily accessible on the average day. However, the body remembers pain very well, it recognizes similarities between one event and the next. It’s similar to when you have an acute illness like strep throat, so often people just know when they have strep throat, they know this feeling, and know they have strep, even before going to see a doctor, because they have had strep before and they know how it feels. Another example I can think of is kidney stones, generally if you have had kidney stones before, you will absolutely know if you get them again. The pain of so many things is unmistakable.  Grief and emotional and physical stress are not things the body or the mind easily forgets, and still years later I can instantly recognize the pain of grief and acute stress in my body, I become nauseous and sweaty and my throat feels like its swollen and air cannot get through, I feel like I cannot concentrate on anything. I feel disconnected and lost, like an orphaned child.

Five Tips for Dealing with Physical Trauma Symptoms

The real question here is: what do we do when these things happen to us?

1.       Take Stress Naps! – I suggest a 90-minute nap.

2.       The one-Hour Rule! – Try to get out of bed within an hour of waking up. (Don’t beat yourself up if this doesn’t always happen for you). This rule has helped me so much, pain is much easier to block out if your being super busy and productive so try to only spend a little while feeling shitty before trying to continue with a normal routine.

3.       Consume Cannabis – omg what? weed?  What a scandal…..

4.       Meditation/Yoga – You can find guided meditations online for free, the app store also has many options for meditation apps, some are free while others require a monthly membership.

5.       Spa Day – Now don’t get upset, I know this sounds a little pretentious and expensive.  However, your spa day can be as extravagant or as simple as you want. Your spa day can even just be at home in your bathroom with a face mask and a bubble bath (Let’s get real, we all love that shit) or maybe you want to go out and get a massage or your nails painted.