my diary written in poetry

It's soothing hearing someone tell you that you're not alone. But truth is you are alone. So am I. And so is everyone. "you're alone" and "you're not alone" are basically the same thing. Might sound schizophrenic but if you think about it, fact is: we are all struggling and we do have different or similar, sometimes even almost the same, struggles but every one of us has to deal with them in their own way. The lucky ones might have help with their battles, others won't. But in the end, we all have to fight our problems in our own mind on ourselves and that is the hardest part of all.

I know what i just wrote seems to make no sense and to be honest I'm confused myself writing that down. But as I'm struggling through life right now I feel really alone. I don't feel lonely, I feel alone. And I've come to the conclusion that that's because I am - I do have people around me, i do know I can call for help, talk to people, search advice on the web or read into things and all of that will be helpful.. still I need to accept and adapt every kind of advice by myself, I need to convince my mind and it will be a tough process and knowing others struggle, too, won't make this process any less hard.

Someone get what I'm trying to say?

Cause these thoughts are really not that easy to express in words

Tremendous pain

lingering inside me

can't feel it

Pure sadness

running through my body

can't feel it

Glimpses of happiness,

excitement, curiosity, lust

can't feel them

Emotions filling my heart

like a mirage

they scream to be let out,

trying to come to the surface,

absorbing all my strength

they fade

but they're still there

or not

numbness

I'm full of emotions I can't feel

like drowning in air

Twinkle twinkle little star

Someone please, bring me a jar

With money in it

And wine to drink it

I wanna travel somewhere

And drown myself there

- in a glass or two of red wine

Because I'm not really fine

And I need something

To disrupt me from existing

So I can stop thinking

And free my head again

My mind's almost burning

It hurts, it's so disturbing

Let me leave and start over

I don't even care where

I'm just overwhelmed here

Don't even know what it is

But I want to live

Not here, but there

yes you have to be intelligent to give knowledge to the world

but your knowledge doesn´t say anything about your intelligence

in my opinion knowledge is something

you get through learning things

you get knowledge by studying

you get knowledge through conversations

everyone is able to get knowledge

and is able to expand it

but not everyone has the priviledge of being intelligent

intelligence is something you are born with

something you grow throughout your way of thinking

there is a difference between

having something on your mind

and thinking

intelligent people ask questions

and try to understand what´s on their mind

others just accept everything without questioning

most people know that 1+1=2

why? because they learned that

they did not know this when born

that´s knowledge

that has nothing to do with intelligence

intelligence is about understanding

everyone is able to learn something

but not everyone is able to understand

intelligence is about questioning

about mindset

and about so much more

also i think we are not going to school

to become intelligent

we are going to school

to grow our knowledge

means

a person who only gets A´s

doesn´t need to be intelligent

a person who never gets an A

does not have to be stupid

there might be people

who know so much things

and still they are not intelligent

but one may assume they are

because that is what we tend to think

just as we tend to think

someone is dumb

because they maybe don´t know that much

we were best friends.

we were lovers.

you loved me,

I loved you.

now - what are we?

I lost you;

you're loosing me.

well, sometimes

we talk

sometimes

we text

sometimes

we meet

sometimes

we even cuddle

we kiss

we fuck.

but sometimes

is simply just

some times.

i barely see you..

well, sometimes.

but we don't

really know

each other -

anymore.

i miss that

i miss you

i miss us

i miss the way

it was.

and it seems like

you do not miss me

you do not want me

- anymore.

you don't wanna change that

and i don't want it

I loved you,

I still do -

in a weird way.

but i guess

now is the time

to say

'goodbye'.

i'm not going,

I'll always stay

as long as you

want me to.

but there is something

i will let go.

i'll let go

of my feelings.

i can feel them fainting -

at least a little.

so 'goodbye feelings'

we had

some good times,

mostly bad times.

some good memories

and also bad memories

and mostly

teaching memories.

they made me grow

they made me strong

they made me

the way i am.

so as I learned

through the time we had

i am saying 'goodbye'

I guess at some point

you just have

to stop

caring

trying

overthinking

for once

to become happier

if people don't

appreciate

value

even notice

what you're doing

then stop doing it

most people

don't know

what they have

until they lose it

I won't run after nobody

if you want me

tell me - it's that easy

if you don't - go fuck yourself

I know I am a good person

I'm always there for everyone

I always try my best to help

when help is needed -

and to stop begging people

to stay in my life

doesn't make me any less good

it would be self harm

to continue

trying so hard

it doesn't make me

a bad person

starting to care

for myself -

to protect

myself

so from now on

ladies and gentlemen

watch me

not giving a damn

fuck

watch my eyes

turn dark

watch my smile

disappear

watch my heart

turn to ice

watch me

leaving

watch me

getting better

and watch yourself

cause some people

won't do that for you

they will let you down

and they won't care -

so get up yourself

protect yourself

appreciate yourself

I just want to cry.

cry my goddamn eyes out.

how many hearts are we breaking while giving ours to someone who doesn't care?

who thinks about us while we drain in thoughts about someone who doesn't have us on his mind?

how often do we cancel plans for someone who doesn't appreciate it?

why do we care about people who don't even notice when we need somebody?

when we would die, do we wanna see someone who loves us or do we wanna see someone only we love?

why are we always lying to ourselves?

why don't we get the love we deserve?

why don't we give our love to the ones who deserve it?

why is love so confusing?

why aren't we careful enough about who we spread our love with?

why do we waste so much time on people who don't make time for us?

of which two people are you thinking?

do you give your love to the one who deserves it?

are you lying to yourself right now?

what comes to your mind?

what's right?

what's wrong?

do you care enough?

enough for the one who deserves it?

I learned something.

I learned that

you don't become

or find yourself.

you don't just

grow into yourself.

you're the creator.

you create yourself

throughout listening

watching

talking

through films

songs

books

through love

hurt

feeling

through experiencing things.

we are not anybody.

not some person.

we are made out of

our own individual

life experience.

we're made of conversations

dreams

heart breaks

loosing

winning

trying.

we're not an end product.

we are the process.

we're not a rainbow,

we are the sun & the rain.

we're not a flower,

we are the blooming.

we're all different

and

it's not about you

him - her - or them.

happiness

depends on me.

and only me.

I can decide

what I care about

what will get to me

what I do

what I say

what I think of.

I can decide

whether I want

to be happy

or not.

with whom I do something

and with whom I don't.

it's on me

and it's easier

I have so many plans

so many ideas

of how I want

my future to be..

.. but no clue how

to get through school

'til I can afford

my wishes.

I'm afraid.

everything goes so fast.

time passes.

I'm stressed.

all the things