Dan and Phil Video Transcripts

Dan: *reading* Why aren't you in my bed?

Phil: Because you're twelve!

Dan: *reading* Quack like a duck.

Phil: *quacks*

Dan: *quacks*

Phil: That was surprisingly good.

Dan: *reading* Would you please do an impression of the rare endangered Benedict Otterbatch?

Phil: I think you can do that one the best. *laughs*

Dan: *reading* A Dan-sized pea or a pea-sized Dan?

Phil: Pea-sized Dan? Can you imagine eating that?! *eating noises*

Dan: No, no. That would be a Dan-sized pea.

Phil: Oh.

Dan: *laughing* I'm Phil everyone.

Dan: *reading* Can you put both of your toes in your mouth at the same time? Go on, it'll be sexy. Do it.

Phil: Is this sexy?

*sensual music plays*

Phil: Ow, I just hit myself in the face.

Dan: Ladies and Gentleman: Phil! Your future husband!

Phil: I did it!

Dan: *reading* Would you like a pepperoni nose or a fishtail chin?

Phil: Pepperoni nose! Ultimate snacks.

Dan: How disturbing would a fishtail chin be? Hey, sexy lady, let's make out. *slobbering noises*

Dan: *reading* Serious question: Which character do you think you're most like from the avengers?

Phil: Definitely Thor!

*crickets chirping*

Phil: No?

Dan: *reading* Can you draw each other's faces?

Phil: Doodeloodoo!

Dan: What the f*ck is that?

Phil: I think it's like a photograph.

Dan: What?! Who did you even draw?

Phil: You! I'm sorry, I tried. No! No! Nooo.

Dan: *makes buzzing sounds*

Dan: *reading* Would you rather have screaming nipples or a tongue that constantly interrupts you?

Phil: Screaming nipples would be terrifying! Imagine that.

Dan: *screams*

Phil: I would go for the interrupting bllleewurbb.

Phil: *reading* Phil, do an impression of a moth while Dan does an impression of a worm.

*dramatic music*

Phil: You're not really into this worm impression are you?

Dan: Worms aren't exactly dramatic creatures.

Phil: *reading* Phil, touch Dan's neck.

Dan: No! *screaming* Get of me now!

Phil: The internet needs it though.

Dan: I will eviscerate you.

Phil: *reading* Do the macarena.

Phil: *sings* One maca, two maca, three macarena. Maca, maca, macarena. I'm doing it wrong. Macarena. Eeyy, macarena. You didn't spin around. Oh, this is really disturbing.

Phil: *high-pitched voice* Hey Justin. Would you like to stroke my Corgi?

Dan: *laughs and screams*

Phil: Oh my god, it's slender!Justin. Oh god.

Dan: *screeches*

Dan: *reading* Phil, try to see how many spoons you can balance on your face. Dan, distract him.

Phil: Let's do this.

Dan: Poo! Poo! Delia Smith!

Phil: *laughs* No!

Dan: Martha Stewart! ...one.

Phil: More wiggling!

Phil: Dan, you can't have bear feet on the internet.

Dan: Ugh, socks are for... losers!

Phil: Have you failed?

Dan: Yes.

Phil: *makes a failed buzzer noise*

Dan: *reading* Dan, what do you look like with glasses on?

Dan: Oh, ff-. You are blind!

Phil: I am a molerat.

Dan: Oh my god.

Phil: Quiff!

Dan: What would happen if I took out your contact lenses and turned the lights out?

Phil: I'd be on the floor going: Help me!

Phil: There you go. That's how blind I am.

Phil: Is that your browsing position?

Dan: *reading* If you could pickle anything what would you pickle?

Phil: Your mom.

Dan: *makes a weird unimpressed noise*

Phil: It had to be said sometime. I would actually pickle a pickle.

Dan: That would just be, like, a more intense pickle.

Phil: Exactly.

Phil: This one is especially for Dan.

Dan: I feel special.

Phil: You are.

*both laugh*

Phil: *reading* Do Kristen Stewart's Vogue face to the camera and pose.

Dan: Get the wig!

Phil: *laughs* That's terrifying.

Dan: *singing* Hey, I just met you.

Phil: No more wig.

Phil: This is illegal and horrible.

Dan: John. John, why. Moriarty.

Phil: I feel like... that was a mistake.

Dan: Do you have any wired addictions?

Phil: Oh, I love wires. Oh, wires. Wires.

Dan: I can't quit you, wires! Aah.

Phil: *reading* What is the sexiest face you can pull?

Phil: Everyone just unsubscribed.

*distorted screaming*

Dan: Meeeeh.

Phil: Beep.

Dan: *reads* If you had to loose one sense, what would it be?

Phil: I would loose the sense of... dance!

*background music*

Dan: *reads* *Spanish question* It's a yes or no question.

Phil: Si.

Dan: Disgusting.

Phil: What's it mean?

Dan: Why did you have sex with the donkey?

Phil: Ooh.

Phil: Insidious.

Dan: No!

Phil: *spider noises*

Dan: No!

Phil: *more spider noises*

Phil: It's my new pet.

Dan: It's the worst thing in the world.

Dan: *reads* Why are there no more dinosaurs?

Phil: Because they got sad and exploded.

Dan: *reads intensely* Say zebra!

Phil: Again? Zebra.

Dan: As if I can be any more terrified.

Phil: Meeeeh! Meeh.

Dan: Zeebraaa!

Dan: *reads* What would you not do for one thousand pounds?

Phil: Eat... a dog.

Dan: For example.

Dan: *reads* Touch Dan's spine and say a magic word.

Phil: Cablam (?)

Dan: *reads* What would happen if your hair styles switched directions? Would it throw the balance of the universe?

Phil: Mine actually looks quite good.

Dan: We both look exactly the same.

Phil: Aah!

Dan: *reads* If you mixed a lion and a walrus what noise would it make?

Phil: *makes a mixture between a roar and a screeching sound*

Dan: *screech that ends in a groan*

Dan: What is my life? Hat unlocked.

Dan: *reads* Make up a song with the words: hyper, kirby, plumber and sword.

Dan: *sings* Hyper, Kirby, Plumber and sword.

Phil: That was good.

Dan: *reads* Can you fit an apple in your mouth?

Phil: That- that is almost fully in his mouth.

Dan: Help. Help.

Dan: *reads* Phil, make the best elephant noise possible. Dan, while he makes this noise make the best interpretive dance behind him channeling ultimate sorrow.

Phil: Muuuh. Muuuh.

Dan: *reads* In old Greek mythology it was said that Zeus gave birth to Athena through his forehead. How would you feel about giving birth through your forehead?

Phil: Does that mean Zeus has a... on his forehead?

Dan: A... birth area.

Phil: Yeah.

Dan: Well, it said that-

Phil: Bleuuurgh.

Dan: Phil!

Phil: Sorry.

Dan: *sings* And along came Zeus. Pffffft.

Dan: *reads* How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could CHUCK NORRIS.

Dan: *sings*

Phil: No.

Phil: *reads* Would you punch every single member of glee square in the face?

Dan: No, only the ones that have boring storylines. Like Quinn's baby!

Dan: *reads* What is the highest noise you can make?

Both: *screeching/singing*

Dan: *reads* What is snokoplasm?

Phil: Everything you could ever dream of.

Dan: *reads* Draw what you think you would look like as a unicorn.

Dan: Show.

Phil: Tadaa.

Phil: What is that?

Dan: Well, it's got a katana for a horn and it's made of fire and it's got a chainsaw tail and it poops stars.

Phil: Mine is a rainbow unicorn with flame feet.

Dan: It looks like a raccoon wearing a party hat.

Dan: *reads* Do a high pitched voice.

Phil: Well, luckily, I bought this.

Dan: How convenient.

Phil: ???

Phil: Uaagh!

Phil: Say: literally.

Dan: *high-pitched* Literally.

Dan: Say: Hey, guys.

Phil: *high-pitched* Hey, guys.

Both: Meow. Meow.

Phil: Good helium.

Dan: Bouncey, bouncey, bou-.

Phil: Get off my bed.

Dan: OW,ow, ow.

Phil: Ooh.

Dan: Too much permanent brain damage. Is this real life?

Dan: I look like Eric Northman.

Phil: You look like Edward Cullen.

Dan: That was uncalled for!

Phil: You're glittering!

Dan: I'll make your mom glitter if you don't shut up! In her forehead birthing area!

Phil: Meee. Ow!

Dan: *reads* What's your favourite pokemon?

Phil: Growlithe.

Dan: *reads* Do an American accent.

Dan: Bro.

Phil: Bacteria.

Dan: I wanna scratch my nose but I can't. Blow on my nose? That's weird, don't do that.

Dan: *reads* If somebody told you that you could go into space, would you?

Phil: *opens a cap that makes a loud noise*

Dan: Wha-? Jesus Christ!

Dan: *reads* If you were kidnapped by aliens what would you say?

Phil: Snarf!

Dan: *reads* Can you please perform a duet of any song?

Dan: I can show you the world! Shining, shimmering, splen-

Phil: Stop. That's creepy.

Dan: *reads* What sort of words do you guys say differently to Americans?

Phil: We say pavement.

Dan: What do they say?

Phil: *in an American accent* Sidewalk.

Dan: *in an American accent* Sidewalk.

Dan: Irish-ish-ush.

Phil: Irish wrist watch.

Dan: Irish wrist watch.

Dan: *artificial high voice* Sidewalk.

Both: Meow.

Dan: *reads* Would you rather have a mermaids tail and your face or have a fish face and your body?

Phil: A mermaids tail on my face.

Phil: What?

Dan: *screeching noise*

Dan: *exaggerated British accent* I am British and I walk on the pavement.

Phil: Bowm, bowm.

Dan: *reads* If you were locked up in prison how would you escape?

Phil: I would eat my own feet. ...no.

Dan: What?!

Phil: This is going somewhere. Then I could slide through the pipes.

Dan: *reads*What is Satan's surname?

Phil: Bieber.

Dan: *reads* Dan needs an abortion. *to Phil* Wha-? You stop it!

Dan: *reads* If you could choose which surname you had what would be your decision?

Phil: Uhm... Striker! Phil Striker!

Dan: Look what I can do.

Phil: I can do it, too. Look.

Dan: No, you can't.

Phil: This is just the same.

Dan: *reads* Phil. Why don't you like feet?

Phil: Because creepy people like you ask me to take pictures of them while I'm lying on my bed covered in honey. That's why I don't like feet. Uaah!

Dan: *reads* If you were Osama bin Laden where would you be hiding?

Phil: In your mom. No!

Dan: *reads* If you could make your own ice cream flavor what would you choose?

Phil: Mega Bailey's sherbert chocolate truffle candy mountain explosion.

Dan: CHILDREN.

Dan: *reads* Would you rather have a magnetic head or be bald for the rest of your life?

Phil: I think I'd rather have a magnetic head.

Dan: You don't want to have a magnetic head rather than be bald for the rest of you life.

Phil: Yeah.

Dan: You could just wear a wig.

Phil: True...

Dan: You'd walk into your kitchen and it'd be like: Oh, I'm gonna *screams* It'd go something like this. Whoop!

Phil: Oow.

Dan: Look, look, Phil.

Phil: I am. Yeah, look, I'm doing it.

Dan: No, you're not.

Dan: *reads* Dinosaurs or robots?

Phil: Dinosaurs.

Dan: Robots.

Phil: What? I am a dinosaur.

Dan: *makes robotic sounds*

Dan: *reads* Can you please reenact your version of Titanic with Dan?

Phil: Yeah!

Phil as Jack: Oh look, a big boat! I'm gonna win you a ticket, Rose.

Dan as Rose: Yeah! I'm flying, Jack! I'm flying!

Dan as Rose: Oh, it's beautiful, Jack.

Phil as Jack: Iceberg right ahead!

Dan as Rose: Noo! Quickly!

Dan as Rose: I'll never let go, Jack. Aah! Noooo!

Dan: *reads* I love it when you guys say zebra. Can you say it again?

Phil: Zebra

Dan: Zebra.

Phil: Zeebra.

*zebra chaos ensues* *screaming*

Dan: *reads* Would you rather have a hook for a hand or a wheel for a foot?

Phil:  A wheel for a foot.

Dan: You don't wanna have a wheel for a foot.

Phil: ???

Dan: You're choosing the things that would make your life the most difficult.

Dan: How would you go upstairs?

Phil: I'd wheel up the stairs.

Dan: Of course you would.

Dan: *reads* What is your favorite onomatopoeia?

Phil: Crackle.

Dan: I like that. *exaggerated* Crackle.

Phil: Crackle.

Dan: Crackle.

Phil: What's yours?

Dan: What's my favorite one?

Phil: Uh uh.

Dan: Microwave.

Phil: That's not an onomatopoeia.

Dan: Yes, it is.

Dan: *reads* What would you do if everybody you knew suddenly turned into a duck?

Phil: What would you do?

Dan: What would I do? Have a massive pancake.

Dan: It is! Listen. Microwave. It is!

Dan: *reads* If you were invincible what is one thing that you would do that would usually kill you?

*phone goes off in the background*

Phil: Answer the phone.

Phil: *reads* Is Dan in love with Nick Jonas?

Dan: That'd be stupid. Of course I'm not in love with Nick Jonas.

Phil: What's that then?

Dan: What's what? No, get off, get off. No! Don't! Don't! No! This is personal! Personal!

Okay, I'm gonna stick to the light here, guys. Stick to the light. We don't know what is out there. Hopefully, no more giant birds that will pick your eyes out. I think we should follow the river? I hear if you're lost you should follow the river. Or is that avoid the river? You should do something with a river. I know you should pee on a jellyfish sting.

Why are you running away? Come back! Babies! What are you doing? It's not safe. Stay in the light! THOR. Uhm, where is Thor? What is Thor doing, he's spinning in circles? What is happening? Thor! Are you okay? Thor just got possessed or something.

*sings* What will we find out here? Come on. Stick with me. Guys, I'm a bit nervous. Whua! Oh, it's a frog. It's okay. Jeez, that was like slender man but worse. ??? like frogs legs anyway. Went to a  French restaurant; didn't order the frog legs. Or the snails. I don't think snails should be eaten, you know? Whu... What was that?! Come on, come on. No need to be scared. Probably not slender man even that's what's in my mind. Why did we play Slender? That just terrified me for life. *sings* Badgers in the light! Everything's alright! Oh. Turnip yourselves. I don't think I've ever eaten a turnip. Just doesn't seem very appealing. I've lost the river so I just failed my own advice. Nom on this, babies! Those rocks look like ??? cubes. Maybe it's a crossover. Ooh, a new kind of foot! Guys, it's our very first carrot. Achievement unlocked: CARROTPOCALYPSE.

*weird voice* Come on. Come on, children. When I have actual kids that's how I'm gonna talk to them. *weird voice* Come on. Badgers. Here we go. Frog! Die! Bodyslammed that frog. Eat it! Eat it. I'm not following the flow of the river. This is- this is bad. Oh god! Guys! Guys. Guys. What are you doing? Idiots. Don't run off again. Having done geography, I know loads of crap about rivers for some reason. Like how a meander is made. And what an oxbow lake is. Why would you ever need that knowledge? Ooh, what are these? Berries unlocked! BERRYMANJARO. Eat that berry. Hopefully, it's not poisonous. Never eat berries, that you don't know what they are. They could either give you hallucinations or make you die. Probably very tasty. It's a roulette. Berry roulette. Loganberries. I'd really like to stroke a badger but I hear they have tuberculosis.

*threatening noise in the game* Come on, come on. Oh my god, where are they? Guys! What? Where have you- where have you gone? *threatening noise* Whua! Noo. Wha- what the hell was that? Brenda! Did we just lose Brenda? What the hell? Is there a monster out here? *suffering noise* I didn't wanna lose a badger today! Oooh. This is hard. Brenda just got eaten by slender man. Okay, children. Gather around. Brenda was adopted. Her father was a fox. We don't miss her. We're actually glad. You guys stick by me now, please. Okay, we're going downstream again. That makes sense. I can't believe Brenda got eaten by slender man! *threatening noise* Oh, jeez. Jesus, where did you go? Babies! Babies! *threatening noises and distressed squeaking* *Phils laughing* Noooo. Oh my god! We've lost Barry as well. We need to get out of this place! Right, we've got Thor and Billy. Thor and Billy, you're the only once that matter. I don't understand what to do when that noise happens. I was calling for them. This is not how I wanted this day to go. Right, come on, guys. You're all I've got left. Let's power through this now. No more fear. Ooh, we've reached the ocean! Wonder if Nemo's in there. ??? If I got lost in the sea, I would not find my way to Australia. I can't believe I've lost two babies on this level. Ehhh. Right, we're over it. We're all over it. It's fine. We didn't like them anyway. All that matters is Billy's and Thor's safety now. I wonder what it was that actually ate them. That's scaring me a little bit. I feel like I need to feed them. I wonder if they have any food in there. Let's go to tesco! There are other supermarkets available. Oh, here we go. Turnip your faces off. The music's still kind of tense. I really wanna get out of this place. This is a hell place. I lost two freaking babies. Alright. I'm over it. *makes badger noise*

Is that it? Level 2 complete! *celebratory noises in the background* That was horrific. I can't believe we lost two babies, but we're still alive! I'm still in the game. Two babies: Billy and Thor. Billy... Thor's looking a bit worse for the wear; we need to get him some food. And now it's raining acid from the sky. Rest in peace, Brenda and Barry. I don't even know what ate them! They could have just been taken by another badger to live a happy life on the farm. It was probably a slender badger.

Please thumbs up this video if you enjoyed it! If I get enough I will return and do more Shelter. I'm still having fun. I feel terrible, but I'm having fun. I'm learning about nature. This is a lesson on the brutality of nature. Right, I'm gonna go set up a shrine to my fallen badgers. A dark day in Shelter. Bye, guys! Here, you can wear the moose hat. Do do do, do do! You're now honorary mooseketeers. Look at this hat hair! That is not a good look.

First things first you’re freakishly tall it’s weird you look like a noodle You’ve got hair that was cool in 2007 and wet you just look like a poodle (hobbit) Throw in a really annoying posh voice and yep that’s dan You’re what would happen if winnie the pooh fucked slender man

You procrastinate making videos, cause being judged is scary? You’re so close to being forgotten, the hate’s imaginary The only reason you get views is you’re another white guy That people ship with his friend cause they think it’s kawaii

Oh *jingle* Reasons why dan’s a fail (Yay!) I’ll give you some:

You never tweet you overeat all you do is cry and sleep You’re jokes are shitposts and memes with no originality Your family’s sad you flopped your law degree at university And anything embarrassing that’s from your past you just delete You were vegan for like three weeks then what you missed the meat? Wow I’m so impressed by your clear moral integrity You try so hard to be peaceful and diplomatic But can’t make toast without tumblr saying you’re problematic

I could go on there’s more if I check There’s more things on this list than chins on your neck On your birthday you joked you were a quarter way to death 100? yeah when getting out of bed makes you out of breath?

So your celebrity crush was j-law but now it’s evan p What the fuck even is your sexuality?! It’s hard to put you in a box when you keep it so blurry I think it’s just to hide that you’re secretly a furry

I’m joking *nervous laugh* Obviously.

Okay that went deep Repress it? Yup! Before I start crying let’s wrap this shit up

I’m gonna go and masturbate, then cry into a slice of pizza (feelings) Shout out to the other youtubers especially Ryan Higa A cringe compilation mixed with cultural appropriation Met with no depreciation it’s the youtube nation.

Click subscribe, if you wanna watch 4 videos a year To see my last one from 10 years ago just click over here *points to wrong side* So leave a comment with your reaction you can call me a liar Cause you just witnessed the roast of danisnotonfire.

*Dan bursts into tears and shuts off the camera*

Does it wanna be past, present, future or timeless? Ooh, I like the sound of timeless. Let’s do that. How about a journey into the mind? No, that sounds like it could be a horror game. So, I’m gonna go with noo. Inside a computer? I spend way too much time on a computer anyway so let’s maybe going outside. Ooh, into the wild. Yes! What does that say? Sh-she-shelter? Shelter! Oh my god, it’s a badger game! There’s a badger game?! *reads* In Shelter, players control a mother badger who is escorting her five cubs from their burrow… I’m sold! We are doing this! Okay!

Downloaded shelter, I am now ready to badger it up, let’s go. Fantasy Violence. I can handle this. Aw, this looks really pretty. Okay, I’m ready. Into the wild we go. Loading. Badgers!

Oh my god, they’re so cute! Look at this! Oh, I can make him sing. *makes badger noises* *sings* All the single badgers, all the single badgers. Stop walking off! How do I control these babies? Do they follow me? Ooh, okay, they follow me around. Is that a dead one? Nooo. Is there a resurrect button. Phoenix down! Come back to life! Timothy! Okay, this might be slightly depressing for your brothers and sisters, let’s go up here.

I can just yelp. I don’t know what that does. Woof! Oh, they all copy me. This is the cutest game ever! Okay, let’s go. There is a dead radish* on the floor, eat it guys. Oh, here we go. Come on! Have some radish! I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Guys, just eat the freakin radish! Okay, let’s feed this to the baby and see if it comes back to life. Badger CPR! It’s alive! Yes! I thought it was dead. Eyyyy, you’re alright. Can we jump through this hole? Let’s go swimming. Can badgers swim?

This hat I’m wearing by the way is fake, I didn’t scalp a moose for this video.

Are all my babies with me? How many do I have? Right, one, two, three, four, five. I hope I didn’t leave anyone behind. I feel like I should name our little troop. I recon the mother is Belinda. And then babies… uhm… Billy, Bobby, Bredna, Barry and THOR. Maybe we’re in the intestines of a giant creature. That’d be a plottwist. There’s some kind of police chase going on outside; that is not very emersive.

*weird voice* Look at that little face! Badger butt in your face. That’s what you signed up to to watch this video. Should I just make a seventeen our video of me playing this? I see daylight! Come on guys! Let’s blow this joint! Have I just walked back to the cave where I started? Oh my god! Yes! Ooh, the great outdoors! Now, I watched The Animals of Farthing Wood and the world is a brutal place if you are a badger. That show was so brutal, like, little mice getting impaled on spikes.

Shift! Shift what? Oh, shift to run. Oh god, let’s run. Come on. It’s not save. Left. Got a radish. *growling noise* Come on, eat it. There you go. Num, num, num. Oh, you can nose a tree down.  Roaah! *laughs* Eat! My children! Bobby, don’t hog it all. Any more apples? No. Roaah! The badger’s like ‘Stop trying to injure my face, Phil. Snuffling around, snuffling for truffles. What will we find? This game looks amazing. I love this art style, I just wanna live in this world. Come on, guys. Oh, sh*t! Where-? Oh, there they are. Apologies for my language. *Karate scream* Eat it up, Bobby. I hope you’re all sharing. I’m feeling very responsible. I am so sorry in advance if I kill any of these badgers. Don’t report me to the RSPCA.

Butterfly! Eat it! Nutrients! That’s just reminding me of: ???. Boof! Babies! Babies! Oh my god, I have such anxiety for these children. Now, shall we go into the woods or to the sea side? I think the wood seems the safer place for the badger. Badger, badger, badger, badger. I can’t believe that’s the first time that song has come into my head since starting this video. Oh, a frog! Do we eat the frog or avoid the frog? I’m guessing it’s nutritious. Do you reckon some other people out there are playing frog simulator and I’m just about to destroy their game. Eat it! Oh, brutal! The brutality of nature is realised. *sings melody* Eat it, babies. Oh, it’s charring (?) down on that frog.

Okay, let’s not fall into the river. Babies! Don’t fall behind, Brenda. Ooh, this is cool. Come on, guys! I never thought I’d say this, but I think I am making a pretty successful mother badger right now. Bosh! This badger must have a massive headache. Om, nom, nom. It’s badger christmas! Have all the apples. Where we headed? *laughs* It’s face is so funny. Come ooon. Oh, my god. Come on, now. Run, run! Come on, there’s a hawk! There’s a hawk! Ah! That might have just been a pidgeon or something. Maybe, you can never be too sure.

The moon! Maybe the aim of this game is to go to the moon. Space badgers! That’d be a twist. What the ffflip does that mean? Uhm. Oh, rodent! Yes! DIE. Here you go, babies. Eat some hamster. Brutal. Just snarfing that one down. I feel like the game would make some kind of noise if there is a danger. Is that a bird? Or a hawk? Or a plane? Oh, look at this. Take it in, kiddos. Don’t fall off the edge! Ah! Oh my god. I hope they can’t fall off the edge. That’d be a major downer. I’m starting to think that badgers shouldn’t really be up on cliffs; I don’t know why I’m bringing them up here. Are you hungry? Oh, here. Radish! Eat this radish. Come on. Badger ???, there we go. Holy shizz, can we eat a fox? I though foxes eat us! I think I’m gonna fight the fox. Bring it on! Are my babies following me? Babies, come on! We’re… murdering foxes. We’re gonna sneak up on it. Roaaah! Oh my god! *laughs* That was so brutal. Babies! Look what I’ve done. I’ve murdered for you. I feel kind of bad. That looks like kind of a good meal. Om, nom, nom, nom, nom. Do badgers eat foxes? Fox mating sounds are terrifying. If you’ve ever heard a fox mating, it’s like *screeches*.

What is this? Secret! There’s a golden dragon in there. Uh huh. *background sounds* I miss Lara Croft. This is better than Tomb Raider. Ooh, radish! Eat this. You’ve just eaten a full fox, but eat a radish as well, why not? *sings Jurassic Park* I don’t know why I’m singing Jurassic Park. Jurassic Badger. Are you okay, Belinda? Do you need a rest? Nar! Babies? Have we got five? Yes, we got five. Your mother is drunk. It’s cause Phil is controlling you. *sings* Where do we go from here-? Ah! Oh my god! Alright! What the hell was that? Alright, we’re just gonna stay low, guys. Jesus Christ. It’s circling. Are we just gonna have to run for it? Shhhhh-. Ah-oh my god. Right. Go! Go, go, go, go, go. Babies! Come on! Oh, this is so stressful. Come on, hide in this. Go awayyy. What do you want? Right. Can we go now? It’s not gonna turn around, is it? Come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Oooh. Oh, this game has gone from really nice and peaceful to horrific.

Shhhhine a light. Uhm. Are we even save in the grass? I don’t even know if I’m safe in the grass. Ah! Right, come on, let’s go. Oh, I don’t know where we’re going. You’ve already eaten a giant beaver, what do you want? Shhh-. No, right. Come on! Come on. Let’s get out of this hell place. More thick grass please. Yes, yes, yes. F*ck off! Right. Let’s go. Let’s go! Away! No, no, no, no, no. Ah! It’s swooping us. Right, into the log. Into the log. No, no, no. Come on. Come on! Maybe if we just stay in this log for a million hours it’ll go away. Oh, I’m so stressed out. Oh. Ffff-. Arr. I don’t wanna leave. Ah. No, no. Come on, come on. NO! Oooh. Oooh no. We just lost a baby. I’m sorry. Rest in peace, Bobby. I think the eagles gone away now. Hopefully, he took Bobby to the circus.

Babies. Babies! Come on! Okay, I’ll tell you a secret: Bobby was actually adopted, he was half weasel. Okay, well, this looks terrifying. D-do, do… Do we really have to go over there? Come on. W-why, why. What’s going on? No, no! Run! Run! Woo. We’re okay. Somehow. Or is this badger heaven? Woo. I think that is a good place to pause the game. I thought we died. Apparently, we just crashed onto a mountain.

Well, that was really fun. Who’d have thought being the mother of a badger would be so stressful. I’ve gained a newfound respect for badgers. And I also feel sorry for baby foxes. I’m sorry, baby fox. Uhm, but yeah, I enjoyed shelter. Thank you for watching if you enjoyed it, please give it a thumbs up. And it was all thanks to that quiz as well, so the quiz is in the description. I’m gonna head off now into the actual wilderness because I need to buy some milk. Hopefully, there won’t be any circling hawks or badger to look after. I wish humans had antlers; they make you feel a lot more balanced.

*Badger noise*

*radish: What Phil actually says sounds like ‘oddish’. I have never heard of such a vegetable and people in the comments of the video are also confused. It does seem to be a radish though and Phil’s pronunciation might be Northern dialect. I chose to write radish instead of oddish to keep the text understandable, but please note that that might not be accurate.

Phil: Today, we are going to be combining my two favorite things: faces and glitter-

Both: To make glitter faces!

Dan: Glitter faces!

Dan: What will you need, Phil?

Phil: You will need some A4 sheets of paper.

Dan: What happens if you don't have A4 paper?

Phil: You can have different sizes of paper: A5, A6, A7, A8.

Dan: A9?

Phil: NO.

Phil: You can choose your paper to be a colour, but we have chosen

Both: White.

Dan: Like us.

Phil: You will also need two sticks of glue. These are fun to play with. And then, of course, the main ingredient is glitter.

Dan: Glitter!

Phil: You can have any colour you want. I have chosen blue, a different shade of blue, royal purple- Dan: Grey and red.

Phil: Yes.

Dan: So what's the first step?

Phil: The first step is unsheathe you stick. Extend the glue. *pause* No, Dan, too much.

Dan: Remember: Don't eat. Pro tip.

Phil: Pro tip. Draw a face on the sheet of paper representing your feelings.

Dan: Okay.

Phil: Draw it with the glue and press as hard as- oh, no. Don't press that hard.

Dan: Pro tip!

Phil: My face is going to be filled with joy. You can add hair and other features if you wish. It can be fun to peel your fingers if they're covered in glue.

Dan: Don't eat it.

Phil: Pro tip!

Phil: Now, you will have an invisible face.

Dan: Yes!

Phil: The magic of this is that noone can see the face until the next step.

Dan: What's the next step?

Phil: The next step is to chose your colour. I'm going for blue.

Dan: I'm going for red. It calling to me.

Phil: Snip your pouch leaving a little shoot for the glitter to spurt out. Here's the scissors. Handle them with care.

Dan: I did it wrong.

Phil: If you're left-handed, ask a friend.

Dan: Why am I left-handed?

Phil: Everybody makes mistakes. Are you ready with your glitter?

Dan: I'm ready!

Phil: Pour as much glitter as possible onto the invisible face.

Dan: But be careful cause glitter gets everywhere.

Phil: Also-

Dan: Everywhere.

Phil: Everywhere.

Dan: Everywhere.

Phil: Everywhere.

Dan: Everywhere.

Phil: Don't-

Dan: Everywhere.

Phil: It's time to pour.

Dan: *sings* Pouring. Pouring.

Phil: Aw, glitter is so beautiful.

Dan: Pouring the glitter.

Phil: I like the colour of your glitter, Dan.

Dan: My glitter is red and hot-

Phil: Yes!

Dan: -whereas yours is blue and cold.

Phil: It's cool. Watch out for glitter sneezes! What you will then do, is take the paper and shake off all the glitter onto your floor. Pick up your piece of paper, shake off the excess and you'll be left with your glitter face!

Dan: Let's reveal our faces!

Phil: 3... 2... 1.

Both: Glitter shakes!

Dan: Phil, it happened again. It happened again. Phil, what do I do? Phil, it happened again.

Phil: That is not a face. What is that?

Dan: I don't know.

Phil: Why does that keep happening? Quickly, Dan, start again.

Dan: I'm sorry.

Phil: Draw another glitter face.

Dan: *sings* Quickly, draw the face! A happy face, that's happy, on the paper.

Phil: This situation gives us the chance to try something new.

Dan: What?

Phil: Mixing the glitters.

Dan: Never be save when crafting! All creativity is a fun experiment.

Phil: Yes! Both you and your friend should get a handful of glitter and press them together. Then, you'll have two kinds of glitter on your face.

Phil: Is it ready?

Dan: We did it!

Phil: Yes!

Dan: Let's shake it off.

Phil: Wow.

Dan: That is much better. Phil, we combined the glitter to make the happiest face of all.

Phil: Yes!

Dan: That's what happens when you collaborate to make friendship.

Phil: Friendship! I'm going to stick mine under my bed.

Dan: I'm going to eat mine.

Both: Glitter faces!

Phil: Well, that's it from DanAndPhilCRAFTS for today!

Dan: Make sure to click subscribe down below to become a crafty and join our community of-

Both: Creativity!

Dan: Remember, there are two videos every day.

Phil: Every day.

Dan: And we will see you next time.

Phil: And remember:

Both: Don't cry, craft!

Dan: So, Phil, what are we making today in our first video?

Phil: Well, everyone knows that the winter season was all about snowflakes.

Dan: Yes, ???.

Phil: Well, as Easter approaches it's a little bit chilly outside, get a bit of that winter feeling back-

Dan: Mmh.

Phil: -with squareflakes.

Dan: Whoa! What are those, Phil?

Phil: It's a snowflake but the size of an A4 sheet of paper.

Dan: What will we need for this crafting adventure?

Phil: For this crafting adventure you will need: scissors! An A4 sheet of paper! You could use card, maybe thing card, brown paper, pink paper, green paper, orange paper, purple paper...

Dan: Brown paper?

Phil: Brown paper.

Dan: Brown paper. What is step one?

Phil: Uh, step one is: Fold your paper in half. Make sure the corner line up or you'll be sad at the lack of symmetry in your squareflake.

Dan: Very true. PRO TIP! Huh!

Phil: Hah! Then fold it in half again.

*background noise* heavy breathing

Phil: Then, if you're feeling crazy-

Dan: *laughs* I think I am this morning.

Phil: I know I am. -fold it in half again.

Dan: Man, this is just- crafts is so exciting!

Phil: Important rule, Dan.

Dan: Uh huh?

Phil: This edge, known as the folded edge,-

Dan: The folded edge. PRO TIP!

Phil: Should not be completely cut.

Dan: Okay.

Phil: Or your snowflake will die. Get your scissors and start to chop into the edges of your folded square.

Dan: Any way that your creativity allows you to! Cause that's what this channel's all about.

Both: Creativity!

Phil: You can do triangles, squares-

Dan: I'm gonna do a wave *laughs*

Phil: Seven circles. No, Dan, Dan, Dan. What are you doing?

Dan: I-I *mumbles*

Phil: Do it neater. Neat and soft.

Dan: And remember kids: Don't run with scissors!

Phil: PRO TIP! This is just fun to imagine.

Dan: So tell us about what the squareflakes mean to you, Phil. Why have you chosen this to be our debut crafting adventure?

Phil: Sometimes I miss winter when it gets to spring.

Dan: Mmh.

Phil: I plan on making thousands of these and sticking them on every surface.

Dan: *laughs* I look forward to that.

Phil: Now show the camera your design.

Dan: This is what I went for.

Phil: I went for this! So, all you need to do is carefully -very carefully!- unfold your paper and that will create the squareflake.

Dan: Woooowww! Look! It's like a square snowflake!

Phil: Look at it! Isn't it great! Hopefully, you'll have a great time improving your life with your squareflakes.

*laughing* *music gets louder*

both: So there we go. That was: a squareflake!

Dan: So we plan on uploading to this channel every day.

Phil: Twice.

Dan: Sorry, twice every day. So if you want to subscribe and become a Crafty then just click down there and remember kids:

Phil: Don't cry,

both: Craft!

Well, basically, I've started to involuntarily do that at random moments... which has not been good! I'll just be walking around town and talking to somebody when all of the sudden this wink just happens like it's a reflex action or something. And I don't know why it is, I mean Troy looks ridiculous when HE does it like who actually does that?

But I'm not walking around trying to seduce people or something. You know, it might work for some people but when I try to do a sexy wink, I just look like a moose having a stroke. ...form a queue ladies. And needless to say this has caused some rather embarrassing situations such as:

Woman: Oh, did you drop your toy, Jessica?

Dan: Oh, no, that's okay, I got it.

Dan: Here you go.

Dan: Oh, sorry, no.

Woman: Jessica, get away from the man.

Dan: No, no, I didn't mean it like that.

Woman: You make me sick.

Dan: *screams* My eyes! My eyes! Aah!

not-Dan1: I can't believe he died so young.

Sarah: *cries*

not-Dan2: Oh, and poor Sarah. They just got married.

Sarah: No, it's okay, guys. I just need some time you know.

not-Dan1: Mmh.

not-Dan2: No, absolutely.

Dan: Of course.

Sarah: How dare you!

Dan: Oh god, no, no, I wasn't being like-

Sarah: *runs away crying*

not-Dan1: Too soon, bro. Too soon.

Russian agent1: We're just waiting for the signal.

Russian agent2: Do we know what he's sending?

Russian agent1: No, but if he shows a white flag, it means peace. However, if he winks we fire the missiles.

Russian agent2: Well, let's pray not.

…

Russian agent2: Oh, no! Fire the missiles!

News reporter: -and a reported 18 million people are dead in what historians are calling “the worst thing that has ever happened”.

Dan: Oh, for fucks sake.

Dan:

Well, not quite, but pretty much! And I'm guessing that most of you probably haven't had an awkward winking phase but generally disaster happens whenever I try to be mildly flirty like the time I tried to put my arm around a girl at a cinema and punched her in the face! Giving her a nose bleed... Cause that's just how I roll.

But, hey, who needs friends when you got whipped cream and Lara Croft! That sounds really dirty... Oh my god, why did I not realize how wrong that sounds. I bet none of you even thought of it like that, either, did you? My mind is wrong. I'm gonna stop talking.

*endscreen*

Dan: Oh, and quickly, if you still haven't made a vyou account and checked out my profile of it then you suck. Cause like everybody is on it now and I've answered like 300 questions or something. So, if you still don't know what it is then go to vyou or vyou.com/danisnotonfire and check me out and follow me and send me questions so I can answer them. Cause everybody's on it now and so should you be.

Phil:

Yeah, that was Dan playing with a hot towel. Also the mann next to us was the angriest man ever. Seriously, the incredible hulk would cry if this guy spoke to him. Did you here the noise at the end of the video I recorded?

Background noise: *window partition being opened*

Phil: That was the guy lowering his window blind thingy to tell Dan to stop singing. He was even singing! It was barely even a hum! So that was where the encounter with captain angry pants began. Let's call him Angry Pete. As with all planes in the history of ever everyone was asleep except for Phil. I was just set there like: *upbeat music plays* So I decided to get my headphones out of the overhead compartment so I could sit down to watch Nightcrawler. Anyway, Grumpy Pete was asleep beneath the overhead compartments. This was already a dangerous exercise. I reached up, grabbed the headphones, everything was okay until God decided to play a practical joke on me and hit us with a huge boost of turbulence. So the headphones in slow-motion fell out of my hand and descended directly onto Grumpy Pete's stomach. Aaaaah! It was such a squishy collision it made a sound like *makes slurping sound* Oh boy, was he angry. I'd do a recreation of what he said but it would just sound like this:

“You little *multiple beeps with some individual sounds*”

I apologized but he told me to put my apology deep inside my “*BEEP* antilope *BEEP*” Maybe he was just having a bad day. Maybe he found out he had rabies or something. Speaking of rabies... or general diseases, that's a great conversation starter, Phil. I've been having really bad stomach aches for about a year so I thought maybe it's time to go to a doctor. So, I went to the doctor and it turns out... I'm lactose-intolerant! Noooooo. Which totally sucks since everything I love has milk in it: milkshakes, cereal, coffee, ice cream, MILK. Don't know why I said it like that. MILK. Yeah, everything has milk in it. Apparently it's not to bad, I can drink about a glass of milk a day without dieing. It's just that if I have loads of milk in one day I might get terrible tummy issues. Apparently 65% of the world's population are lactose-intolerant so I probably share it with a lot of you. Lactose-free high five! Now, I know there are many milk alternatives out there so I thought I play a milk related game. Dan!

Dan: Hello?

Phil: Will you be my milk assistant?

Dan: Excuse me? What are we doing? Recreating the milk fic or something?

Phil: No! Just come sit down.

Dan: So, uh. What's with all the milk, Phil?

Phil: Well, I looked really freaking weird buying all these at the shop.

Dan: Oh, having a milk party, are we?

Phil: Yeah, so I've got almond milk, goat milk, lactose-free milk and soya milk.

Dan: Yayyy! Lact-no.

Phil: I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea. I thought I could taste the different milk and try and guess what they are.

Dan: What a great thing to do in a video! Here is your first not-milk.

Phil: Oooh, that looks weird!

Dan: I looks like some kind of medical leakage.

Phil: It smells like medical leakage. Alright, okay. Here we go.

Dan: Gob it down. Yeah.

Phil: That is weird.

Dan: But what kind of milk-not is it?

Phil: It tastes a bit like seeds....

Dan: So you're going with?

Phil: Almond milk!

Dan: It was soya milk!

Phil: Oh, what? Why don't you come on camera?

Dan: No, I can't be bother I'm sat on the floor.

Phil: Okay.

Dan: Okay, next milk!

Phil: Milch deux. So I got that one wrong-

Dan: Milch?

Phil: Milch. That's German for milk.

Dan: And then you said two in French. Nice.

Phil: I am including everyone.

Dan: How international of you. Alright, this one's like slightly pink.

Phil: Oh, this is like hippo milk. Hippo milk is pink.

Dan: That is a- that is a true fact.

Phil: Fact! Alright, here we go. I'm scared.

Dan: *laughs* This is so weird.

Phil: Eeeeh la. La la la. Uh. Is that almond milk?

Dan: Yes!

Phil: That is- that tastes like almonds. That tastes like an almond.

Dan: Than why did you do a gross face? Aren't nuts nice?

Phil: No, it is nice, I just didn't know what it was. It's like an almond was rubbed against a cows teat as it was coming out.

Dan: Very graphic, Phil. Thanks! *weird accent* Round-uh three-uh! And thoughts?

Phil: It just tastes like water-y milk.

Dan: In a good way?

Phil: That's gotta be the lactose-free milk. It just tastes like milk.

Dan: The lactose-free milk!

Phil: YES! One point for me!

Dan: The final round. Are you ready?

Phil: *sings* It's the final milk down!

Dan: Give it a sniff. Description?

Phil: It's kinda like- slightly strange. Slightly musky.

Dan: Stick it in your mouth. Oh yeah. Description?

Phil: Ewwwww. Eh. I don't like this one.

Dan: What-?

Phil: It tastes- Oh. It's the goat milk, it's the goat milk, isn't it?

Dan: *laughing* It is... the goat milk!

Phil: It tastes like the smell of a goat.

Dan: That is really discriminatory against goats, Phil Lester.

Phil: It's particularly goat-y. Why do they milk goats?

Dan: Why do they milk cows?

Phil: That's not natural!

Dan: What? What? And almond milk is?

Phil: Yes.

Dan: No milk is natural other than your own mom's boobs.

Phil: I'm not drinking that.

Dan: Well, than. Rating for the goat?

Phil: N-n-no.

Dan: So out of these non-cow-based options which do you like the most?

Phil: I think I like the almond and the lactose-free. Cows and nuts!

Dan: Genetically modified cows and nuts!

Phil: Save my health-

Dan: In your mouth-

Phil: Drink-

Dan: Drink it-

Phil: Drink it good.

Dan: *sings* Milk quest! It's the best! Milk in your face! Not cows!

Phil: That was beautiful, Dan.

Dan: Thanks. Am I done? Can I go back to browsing?

Phil: Yeah, you may leave.

So here we go milk quest complete! I'll try to stick to these most of the time but to be honest milkshake and pizza are totally worth the tummy ache. In other news, my friend Willow (??) bought me this pet dinosaur. Say hello! Come on. *laughing* This way! Whoa, whoa. Oh no. Today's draw Phil naked is! Thanks for watching, please thumbs up this video if you enjoyed it and make sure you subscribe by clicking on my dinosaur friend. Should they do that? Did it just shake it's head? Well, it's too late you've clicked on it anyway now. I will see you guys very soon!

“You little umbrella monkey faced quacksack!”