#AE Musings for my personal posts, poems, thoughts, feelings, and otherwise unrelated to anything else. These are longer than one line at random throughout the day.
#Angela posting for uh posting about Angela. Ranging from small observations, opinions, to longer more analytical writing.
There might be some NSFW but I have not yet tagged any. It's extremely rare but still possible.
Not (properly) tagged posts are about a variety of things. Most prominent are of lighthearted topics, but there will be heavier and more important topics. You will see matters concerning transfeminism.
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What you find in this blog is terms of original posts is talking about thoughts I had, something I felt and wanted to express it, and sometimes, some kind of take on a piece of media (not as interesting as it may sound).
In terms of reblogs, it's whatever. Scroll for 10 seconds and you'll see.
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My ko-fi if you feel like being nice. Steam friend code 59507888.
Some colors under the cut. (Personal stuff and assorted things of other nature yet intrinsically the same)
You -can- call me Angela, it is my name, but if you find that confusing (considering the context of this blog), then you can simply address me by my url or by AE.
No, I don't kin her. The explanation is much simpler (she's simply very personally important) and yet extensive (I'd have to start from early life experiences to how I happened to develop as an adult). People, however, have kin assigned me in a way (in a jest and otherwise).
I do relate to her, and I've been told we share certain traits, but it takes a second looking through this blog to see we are quite different people. The primary thread of connection is in experiences and reactions to them.
I will include an index of my analyses here at some point. The #Angela Posting tag is small enough at the moment to not really inconvenience those that want to have a read, but it would still be cleaner to have it all in one place.
I am, regardless, very fixated. Haven't scared anyone with it yet, I think, and at least one person finds it endearing-
So, I'll just continue.
I'd like to clarify, too, that I have my boundaries with this, and I'd ask to please do not bring forth to me sexual content about her. At all.
Sorry, I do not want to see it. It's not that I don't think there's any discussion to be had here, but 9/10 times it's just material without any thought, and the other 1/10 is disconcertingly off the mark.
Additionally, while one might assume this intensity would correlate with romance, I promise you it doesn't. I do not see her that way. Please do not make that kind of comment, it's just awkward ("your wife" and such).
I can't really comment on ships for a similar reason. She's an aroace queen to me. I won't shut it down, and you can do whatever- I simply do not find it appealing, so I can't engage with it in any meaningful manner. I do have an immediate negative reaction to rolangela because of the overabundance of "the girl and the boy HAVE to date" type of engagement with either character. It's maddening.
I am an angebinah QPR believer. I think there's something interesting to explore there regarding similar themes and imagery in both of them, with certain specific conflicts and contradictions.
Regardless-
As you can imagine, if you ever feel like talking about her, I am your gal. Hit me with your takes, your feelings, your thoughts, your questions- I adore her and I'm always happy to indulge.
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Fanart Library of Angelandria at 6196 files at the time of editing.
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will you feel uncomfortable with me for a moment, please? I want to talk about what I mean I say I was "groomed on the internet as a teenager".
I felt like experimenting with adults was safer, in the sense that they were safer from me than people my age. I'd been taught over and over again that I could hurt people with sexuality, that I was being punished to prevent me from becoming someone who would hurt people. I didn't want to hurt anyone.
I wanted it. I sought it out. I felt powerful and in-control, nobody tricked or forced me into doing anything. I can tell you a funny story about having a threesome when I was 18, the husband insisted that we wrestle and I choked him unconscious twice in five minutes. fully asleep and snoring, I put him in the recovery position and made small talk with his wife while we waited for him to wake up.
I'd been talking to both of them, and a bunch of other adults in that community, since I was 15. it was the only place that I felt desired, they treated me like a kid but didn't think less of me for it. I don't have an uncomplicated Law and Order: SVU episode plot to give you, I can only tell you that I felt bad for that guy after that. I didn't mean to humiliate him, he never did anything like that to me.
it took me many years into adulthood to understand that I was trading sexual access for social access. I don't even really think that was necessary, nobody asked me to do it, I just wanted to feel something besides shame. I didn't know that I could be valued for other reasons, yet. the adults in the room should not have let that happen, they failed me, but honestly? I think the adults in my house failed me a lot harder.
everyone fixates on the sex, but to me that has only ever been a symptom, not the problem. have you seen people jokingly refer to things like being 13 and emotionally supporting a 35 year old woman through her divorce on World of Warcraft? that's a symptom of the same problem and it was more harmful to me, personally, than any of the sex.
and yet we can joke about it, because it's not about sex. we don't use scary words like "groomed" and "molested" even though that's how grooming happens. why?
I found out, years later, that a girl I thought was in her early 20s was lying about her age so that she wouldn't be excluded. she was too scared to tell me that we were the same age, 16 at the time. we would talk for hours, watch movies, and she'd change in front of me sometimes. she specifically told me that she did that because she felt safe with me, I was so proud of myself. she was my age that whole time and I just didn't know, I spent years thinking of that as part of the grooming. and it was.
two decades later and I'm here, looking around at the hypersexuality of queer/transfem spaces (not inherently a bad thing) and wondering, "do you know that you don't have to do that to be loved?".
on a cultural level, we don't have anything approaching a good understanding of these dynamics, much less how to avoid harm. there will never be a simple answer.
we have to engage with the complexity, we have to learn to talk to each other about these things.
I can't wrap this up in a bow for you, I'm sorry. can you please feel uncomfortable?
the grooming did not start when I gained internet access, it started the first time I got made fun of for staring at a pretty girl on TV. it started with jokey comments about having a "girlfriend" at school when I was still in kindergarten. my parents did that because they were taught to feel ashamed, and so they taught it to me.
There was this cute moment where I was carrying someone in my arms and humming a song at them, and they were smiling and would giggle at times
The thing is I'm pretty sure they were comprised of a head, an upper torso and one arm. Attention is never drawn to that and the only reason I know is because of how the weight felt.
I don't know what song it was but it wasn't serious, it was something silly. No idea why I was carrying them either, they didn't need it and we weren't going anywhere (walking in circles), so it was just a cute moment I guess.
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Anyway, when I was in college I was constantly going to marches and protests against canadian and saudi mining projects in the Santurbán páramo, one of the most important ecosystems in Colombia in terms of biodiversity, and the source of drinking water of 30+ municipalities in my state, including the city I live in. Ultimately these mining proposals lost their license due to environmental regulations.
But now that our new far-right president elect is looking to suck up to imperial core powers once again, canadian mining corporation Aris mining is interested in re-starting mining projects in Santurbán. Which, would inevitably give cyanide poisoning not only to my city's drinking water, but 30+ other municipalities and indigenous communities.
terfs are equivalent to nazis to me. theyre both forms of white supremest ideology. as a jewish trans woman ive zero positive interest in the lives of either continuing.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, they both came out of "socialist" movements which they broke off from primarily because they rejected marxist class struggle and substituted their own ideas of "class". for Nazis it was the national struggle, they argued that class conflict was over and that the real issue of the day was between nations. Mussolini was much the same, originally studying Marxism but threw out class struggle very early and quickly veered to the right, establishing "revolutionary" struggle on the basis of said nationalism. For terfs, they substitute sex-based struggle, even the original radical feminists like Firestone, Willis, and others, came out of socialist organizing to focus on sex-class as the primary originating oppression of all society. they argued that racism was actually a product of sexism and often drastically downplayed racism to bolster their feminism - (see Angela Davis' response to Firestone in women race and class, and Ellen Willis' retrospective in radical feminism and feminist radicalism. there's plenty of sources on the Nazi stuff out there but I don't have it on hand/by memory)
both of these groups use language of revolution while reinforcing the status quo, they're both incredibly racist and transphobic. it's rarely spoken about but the Nazis killed a lot of trans women specifically, not just queer people in general. they had a very specific agenda against transfeminity in particular and often experimented medically on trans women. meanwhile terfs are increasingly collaborating with right wing news networks, getting funding from fascists, and copying antisemitic Nazi rhetoric directly. and that's not even getting into Rowling's explicit Holocaust denial.
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speaking from experience, if you're a lesbian and you're attracted to a trans man then two options present themselves to you:
realize that you don't really see him as a man, or :
accept that you can be attracted to a man
a fork in the road like this would be a great place to examine your bioessentialist transphobia, but instead of doing that you can just ascend to a new enlightened plane and reach queer level 100 by deciding "welllll trans men can be lesbians"
a lot of advanced level 100 enlightened queer thinking is really just bioessentialism in disguise frankly
like, no, it's actually not level 100 gender to expect trans women to top you, you just see her as a man and instead of examining your transphobia you're pretending you exist on the next plane of queer thought high above us bottom feeders who foolishly think having a penis might not necessarily mean she wants to perform a traditionally masculine role for you in the bedroom
a lot of trans women I've met who initially discuss enjoying topping their partners have, over time, after getting space from the expectation to top, said that they've stopped enjoying topping and no longer want to do it
certainly a lot of trans women genuinely enjoy topping, but I think it's a lot fewer than many people imagine. we just aren't being given the space to genuinely explore what we want, often thanks to the presence of enlightened level 100 queers who see us as naive fools for thinking we might not want to top. how simple we are for not considering that Women Can Top Too! it's actually more radical for women to top! 😁
no amount of pretending to be an advanced queer thinker can paper over the fact that you expect trans men to be like women in their sexualities and you expect trans women to be like men in our sexualities. you are not level 100 you're level 1
I just don't think it's transfeminist at all to only engage with something when it pertains to you or mentions a group that you're a part of! It feels like a betrayal and it aches to know that transfeminist spaces aren't safe for people like me. I want to have a sisterhood with you girls, but is this what sisters do? Not help the girls that they have the social power to step on?
I've lost count of how many instances I've seen one of my white followers obviously going through my blog and liking/reblogging posts about trans girls, but skipping over posts about racialized people! It doesn't stop hurting.
ive noticed this very thing on my own blog, from friends mutuals and random people alike. where the more generalized the post is the more engagement it has. reblogs likes replies, people discussing the topic and actually Engaging with the post. but the posts about being a black trans woman? the posts SPECIFICALLY ABOUT HOW I NOTICE DISCUSSIONS ON RACISM GETTING IGNORED?? fucking guess! i am so sick and tired of you people ignoring us. im used to the slurs and the abuse and the fear of living in this skin, but seeing a friend give barely a glance when i talk about anti blackness hurts so fucking bad. why dont you care?? why don't any of you care??? would you care if i told you ignore us is itself racist?? do i have to (RIGHTFULLY) call you racists for you to give a shit?
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"hey it feels like even amongst people who considered themselves committed to social justice and at the recent high-water-mark of that social current, it's never been fully & satisfactorily discussed digested & absorbed that trans women consistently get depicted this vile way in media"
"um people have definitely mentioned that out loud before lol you are young and therefore stupid and entitled and though i'm not saying it i'm also implying that you (trans woman) are being overly sensitive and nitpicking and nobody cares lmao"
she's obviously right. what the fuck is wrong with you people. this is funny? this is some kind of Epic Own to you? you dunk-brained shit eating peanut gallery motherfuckers are so twitter poisoned that all someone has to do is be snide, they don't even need to have a point, you'll all bark and clap like fucking seals. kill yourselves
Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Dressed to Kill, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, this list is so much longer than you think it is no matter how long you think it is.
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