hello.

I think in the grand scheme of things we’re all just pieces of sourdough toast looking for our smashed avocado

It came all the way from Italy and this is how you welcome it

everybody who has ever been funny online is getting taken out by the fbi within the week

thank god all of us are safe then

Life isn’t always candy ! Sometimes it’s a mouthful of sand! You just have to keep putting things in your mouth!!!

This sounds like it was written by my dog

but how Great would it feel to be someone’s first choice

i can’t stand it when people complain about how expensive printer ink is, like it’s “”capitalism’s fault”“. do you have any idea how hard it is to milk a squid

*signs a legal document with a glitter gel pen*

when i was 12 i got banned from yahoo answers and when i emailed support to be like “what did i do??” i got a really vague answer that just said “you know what you did” and it still haunts me to this day

dirt

mmmm… tasty..

the d in dirt stands for do not eat this please

but the i r t stands for it’s really tasty

my party trick is wearing cool socks so people come up to me and say “hey man cool socks”