Marisa

I am faced with two evils

The evil of conformity

And the evil of unpopularity

And I am asked to choose

Like there are no wrong answers

Because all choices lead nowhere

But to an empty adulthood

Full of things you tolerate

As if to put up with life is the same to live it

As if my friends and I better resign ourselves

To accepting that “things could be worse”

But they could also be better

But we must decide quick

Between the morals of the falsely enlightened

Or the hopes of the lost children

We must decide quick

But I don’t know what to do

People say what they think they should

Instead of what they mean

Things like:

“Follow your dreams”

Are meaningless to children

Who don’t know where they are

In search of guidance and love

Unsure of where to go

Or what to do

You try to convince me

That the world is not gray

That it is vibrant and full of colour

That there are more things to see

But all I see is colourless and dull

Lines that blur with my tears

And people without faces

Without humanity

All I know anymore is this place

Where I don’t see the sun

Because it is blocked by clouds

And I cannot find my way out

But try as I may I cannot believe

That the sky has ever been

The soft baby blue

That you have described to me

You say I am being melodramatic

That you have seen me smile at the flowers

Yes, because I see them dying

And I feel envious

I want to talk about the joy in the pain

You see it’s a simple question

That somehow nobody ever asked

How?

How could you do this to yourself?

And by god it was so much easier

Than one would think

Because there is a joy in the pain

In the bite of razors on my skin

And the haziness that comes

With swallowing too many pills

I like to take it just to the edge

To see if I can stop cutting

Or resist taking the whole bottle

It’s all a game to me anyways

And secretly,

Secretly I love the look of the scars

I love having this secret

And knowing that I won’t be alone

I have my demons to keep me company

And there isn’t anything special

About self harm or pain

Although I know you’ve heard this all before

But in a time when I wanted to die

The pain made me feel alive

I want to be awake

Long enough to watch the darkness of the night

Surrender to the light of the morning

I want to be awake,

But my eyes grow heavy with sleep

The night seems to have lasted forever

I want to hold on,

To see the light make art of the sky

And I tell myself it’ll only be another couple minutes

But I can’t know for sure

And the possibility of this dragging on

Makes the idea of sleep all the more tempting

I stifle a yawn and stretch my heavy limbs

I curl up and surrender

To the tiredness of my mind

And the weariness of my body

And alas, I sleep eternal.