For Your Eyez Only

How I can love the earth and try to use as less paper as possible when it comes to school/work... but when it comes to my sanity... I would die without it. 

(almost typed January, and then almost Decemeber. Something is seriously wrong with my brain lately and it is getting concerning. No it is not bc I am high. Also, I wonder if it is because my eyes are all messed up and I can’t focus on my vision so my brain is pre occupied with tryna see straight to do anything else but stare off at stuff when I am looking at it. You know, like I just focus and zone in, almost like crossed eye and IDK why. Like I’m not listening or thinking, I am just in a trance mode. Trying to see “why the fuck am I here, where the Fuck do I need to go. This all means nothing.” IT does. it does mean something. stop thinking like that you wee wee. 

there is an end to the pain. it’s all worth something. its productive. it looks good. it feels good. it influences others. it promotes all good things. *stole quote from manifest* but also all ive ever wanted to do was good things for others. ok yeah.

So I think I’m going to take a MAJORRR break from social media when I get my license / freedom for a few months.

 I have some things I r e a l l y want to focus on and I just feel like the psychological affect social media has on others is extremely detrimental to the progress I need and want to make. I will still rant, however - wont make it through life with out it heh. My rants may just be somewhere else however.

Ive also decided that I’m going to focus my time and energy on reading and taking down quotes and ideas I truly love and doing a book dictionary type thing. I think that would be extremely cool! (kind of like how I have been doing....) What’s special about these books, is that they are books and or articles I find lying around school, that I read when board or are part of lessons I sub for. 

In the mean time, I hope to get my CPR certification within the first two weeks of February, I plan to join an OT (as commercial and “faddy” it may be now, it could be really good to get me started and hold me accountable}  DAY I get my license / a car - Also within the first two weeks of Feb. 

I plan to start up a blog of my endeavors - on an actual blog site!! pics n stuff too lol. I would love to take a calligraphy class, and also I want to get my personal training license. 

oh, and RUN!! I don’t know where or how or when yet, but its at the top of the list metaphorically heh. Im going to run a marathon this year - maybe in Hawaii?? for my 25th, hellls ya.

Everyday I dream about going about my day, working out, running, being free, meeting people with the same mind set, hiking etc. These are the things I truly long to do, and wish I did and would love to do. I think of places that allow me to do so - and people. However, my issue is.. is keeping it all locked in my mind and not actually pursuing any of it, knowing damn well that all these resources and places and people are all right under my nose. The part that really gets me? That I keep dreaming of a job that lets me do this, alllll day long and be in charge of something and people and help them and stuff at the same time and you know what that is???!?!?! WORKING IN THE INDUSTRIES. Becoming a personal trainer... actually training and meeting these people??? SO that I actually ahve people.... and places to go to when I am feeling down. Support. Understanding. Accountability. Doing things I may not feel like doing but someone asks me to go with them and I obviously can’t say no to people ever BUT this way I can say yes to a g o o d thing. To a run, to a marathon vaca to not just drinking. Ugh, come on man manifest the shit out of this. You are so so on the right track. STAY on this track, dont let your period and your lame mind keeep you from these good things you know will give you the life you’ve longed for, the life you deserve. 

You deserve this. You were made for this. This is you. Go, RUN.

Weight in Gold AND snap chat hitting me with the 2 yr ago snaps of being in coaches office looking at that ship cup ugh *jizz* / on the field in the hail like damn I miss that shit. SHOUT OUT 2 U BO, for realzies u my bfffff and i thank ya mucho for helping me have some fun a$$ times. 

Im for real 3/4 of a bottle of red wine & some beyonce / alicia keys karaoke youtube videos deep.

I feel greatful. Full of hope, and laying my head down with a smile from ear to ear, eagerness, hope and gratitude in my body - my legs warmed by only the softness and heat of my blanket and a nice crew neck on.

I just want you to know, I am not mad at you - I am mad at myself and the situations I put myself in by overthinking and not thinking - being self absorbed. Thank you for everything, truly. The things you do for me are incomparable. 

ANYWAYSSSS. My day went well in the beginning. then it was shitty for a long while, and then for a bit it felt amazing, and now its calm.

Had a docs appt today - went fine, right in, right out! For me anyways.. my mum took a while smh. Then we went to breakfast, it was eh but nice. After breakfast, my mom and I went to work for half a day. At work, I covered lunch it was lame so I left and went to the office where this lady went crazy in the office because her daughter got into (another) fight and she like threatened the school and stuff - wild. Then I went down to room 103, where my 8th grade peeps love me and DID THEIR READING IT WAS MAGICALLLLLL. I also got some reading done too! Between yesterday and today I have been reading the book “A Long Walk to Water” and its fantastic so far, I’m about half way done. I need to purchase it myself because it’s the teachers I’ve been subbing for’s book and well I can’t take it. I wish I finished it though, had I started it early on Monday I definitely could have, but thats ok! Ive basically beenwith the same group of kids for the last few days and they’re great (most of them). Also today room 301 that I covered I let the kids play volleyball which was cool, I saw some kids doing the right thing because I told them I’m writing them all up for an after school d-hall because one kid swore heh.. and they didn’t want to be apart of that, they also all showed me their dream board project which was cute! They were extremely rowdy, as they usually are especially in that class but hey, whattaya gonna do really! After school, I had a good day so I was all happy and giddy on the way home and actually talking to my mum but I could tell she had other stuff on her mind as I was talking to her. My dad called while we were on our way home too, asking if I could go in to work today, which I did. As I got to work, that’s where my day went a little south. I was cranky because I wanted to go home and change a little because I was unfortable in what I was wearing today but my mom said no, then said yes and by that time it would have been a complete waste to go home and stuff so I said forget it and it was like a “can’t win” situation and I was just over it at that point - teared up a little as usual because that has been my life lately. After that, I was just frustrated and mean to everyone, didn’t talk much didn’t care to help others, etc. (you know the drill by now). After a while, Ant came with some food and him, my dad and me all talked about silly things that happened at work and it was such a great feeling, I was happy. I also may have found something to do over the summer that may benefit me!! It’s called AmeriCorps (saw it on some batshit cray customers jacket) and figured eh, why not (I have heard of them before) but yeah it seems like a cool program and its aged right from 18-24 so I’m just making the cut! Idk and then I was thinkning about teaching kindergarten again so maybe that’ll be something I pursue in the fall, or guidance counseling? Or who knows what will turn up after!! I was happy and giddy and greatful for all that happened today, I also reflected on how I am greatful to have a cool dad that showed me sports and while I put out in the world that I love them, which I do, that is not all that I am. I am much much more and it’s time I start showing EVERYONEEE, especially myself, just how great I truly am. I cannot wait. 

Ciao 4 now peeps.

I woke up, I went for my first trail run wooo! Things I learned on my run: It was not long enough, I should def not run in the woods alone and I love. It. (see trail track notebook for run deets and other post for picys)

I ran to my Grams, she wasn’t home (typical.. lol just kidding) but my Uncle D pulled in as soon as I almost started to run my way back home, and he was cool he offered me a ride and a new route to run thats 4 mi. long and loops!!! So cooool. I also got to hang with my Aunt and catch up a lil.

I took an uber to the mall all independently, got a nice new pair of navy hightop Chucks <3 and a random new bra??? (dont rly like it but thats fine??) and took the same uber back, it was weird now that I think about it...  I hate uber. 

I went to work at Nonnas - whole fam basically came to visit. First my aunt, gram and Andy were there AND THENNNN my pops, Ant, Joe and Morgan came it was cuuute. Also the coolest hockey gang fams were there including the Kreuz’s who are ultimate goals for real. 

Also, as I was watching the Suga Bowl an Australia commercial came on out of the blue and my room light started flickering... is that a hint hint?? Idk, freaky though. 

Anyways.

sad songs: Within spotify playlist

make up: eyeliner, mascara, foundation and lipstick, all which were all together totaled under $20. So you can imagine how subpar it looks.

hair: straight and cut like poop.

fuego cloths: black nike crew, dary grey loose joggers that make my booty look good (no undies tho!!;)

High: really high.

COney Island Hotdogs, of ANYTHING ELSE WE COULD HAVE TO EAT IN THE FRIDGE. had to be CIHD. ugh, scoff eyeroll. I dont even like left overs and this is a leftover *crying emoji*

Im a lightweight.

Anyways enough being dramatic (for now),

JUst had some fantastic high shower thoughts, which lets be real are the only important ones.

thats it. thats what I had to say.

haa, see what I did there..? yah kinnda.

Anyways, there should be like a shower proof notepad/mechanism thing that allows you to write down all the great ideas we always get in the shower!! Like mine! This one that make me make this post!! Woo!

Anyways. So I realized that today I have been extra dramatic and my life at the moment, the way these holidays have made me feel all piled up into some serious Carrie Diary shiz. I’m basically wallowing in my self pity over a l~overr~boy that was brought up during drunk game night and like idk it was so like [ ugly ] the way it made me feel. Like damn gurl, you gotta problem and he iss it and it aint hattnin! So shush about it and move on, yo. I find myself getting dressed up to the nines, as if I had the biggest, greatest, most fun plans I’d ever have. There is magic in the air and I am here for it type of 70′s romance novel where the really attractive seductive Marilyn Monroe type is out here getting ready and looking glamours but all the while awaiting the question of return of the man shes lookin alll foinee for. Idk if thats the right decade but unfortunately I was/am ignorant to history like that (the time tables for the events and stuff).

I showered, shaved, am about to do my hair and ~makeup!~ 

put on some cute pjs, snack out and het stupid high (nart’cdramatic heh)

*Cue “within” spotify playlist and let the dying romance live on and prosper. Higher - Rihanna is the mood.

And natuarlly, I looked back at this thing and realized I was talking about my high shower thoughts and likee obvi forgot the rest of them until now. Still, very vague of them now. 

START THAT DAMN STUPID BLOG BECAUSE U R THE WOMAN WHEN IT COMES TO BEING REAL AND FUCKING FUNNY (excuse my language to the fam baq home)

My opinions r funny n we all know it and I belong in front of the youth and on buzzfeed for the wise. 

but with a “glass half full” mentality. 

Day1:

So, I finally started TheFitYogiTrainer this Christmas evening. I honestly am not sure how I feel about it right now. I don’t hate it, but I’m not overly in love with it either? I’m excited to see what it does for me both mentally and physically. However, mentally right now I’m not feeling how I usually think I do after I workout?? I always feel like I under perform but my body at this moment really cant complete much (just yet.. give it some time and we’ll be ok). You know what I mean though? As I was going through the exercises I couldn’t wait to be done, not because it was physically painful but I was a lil’ bored :/ It seemed so simple because I always wanna do the crazy fun challenging stuff like running up a mountain or hopping over puddles or something ~ I need to remind myself that these little things will only help me run stronger and faster. Physically, my left hammy hurts hehe. With that said, my left leg is definitely a tad stronger than my right (for obvious ACL reasons.. gotta work on that). Also, my form is CRUMMMMYYYYY, it is so bad because my core is currently being impacted by absolute garbage foood and drinks ugh. I am excited to continue with this journey. I also want to incorporate some runs, I like the way I feel after them, so energized and ready to take on the day and eat a ton of foooood (for like an hour then my body crashes; need to work on that too).

I hope to be able to complete TFYT every EARLY morning - either run for a little then do it or vice versa (run first sounds better though as always)

TODAY I ALSO GOT A FITBIT chicka chicka yeeeah, also part of the reason why I actually tried TFYT tonight heh, wanted to try this baby out. It’s pretty cool, nothing special as I knew it would be but it is something to keep me motivated and track myself. I mostly want to see how much I walk / how many cals I burn during a work day knameen cause I be bustin my arse during the week. I NEEDA KNOWWW.

Anyways,

all in all, not impressed by anything, not unimpressed either. Indifferent at the moment.

p.s.

Not doing this sooner.

My name is Maria, my gram and my aunt call me Ria, my peeps from college and AUS call me Mo Mo, and one time a cute boy called me Mar and I loved it, so call me what you want but just know that whatever you know me as is most likely the complete opposite of what you’ll be reading about. Hope you enjoy it anyways and embrace this as much as I am trying to dooooooo, woo. 

I love the idea of recording my days - having these memoires, these lessons, these reminders of how I felt, what I felt where and why. The people who are involved in my life. This chronological order of my life for my future kids to read and know exactly how I lived my life. I dont want anyone to miss a beat, so when I finally feel comfortable enough to let the world know who I am - it will be nothing short of the brutal truth.

Today was a good. day. 

I felt free~ for the first time in what feels like eons of time.. ok only a few weeks. My only obligation today was to show up to school, teach two classes, color listen and learn in another one, relay a message in a third class and get semi on track with grading in another two. I also had NO WORK after work!!! YAY! All I had to do were some errands and instead of only getting one done close to home, my mom and I got tons done. If flowed today, rather than me feeling like a bother. We went shopping hehe, I got my eyebrows done, my gift for the lil girl at the Friendly House (hope she luvs~ her My Little Pony) got a friend some gifts and got my some new nail polish and a new shall (of course *says with eye roll*) and some “you cant eat just one” chips, no not Lays either! I had a coffee coollatta that gave me tons of silly energy that I truly needed to let out of my system. Reflecting on today, I was pretty silly all day!! My favorite thing was teaching my lil buddy Tavon a silly lesson about consequences hehe, all in good fun of course. 

I also received some news about what I thought I wanted to do for grad school...turns out the program I wanted to go into, Health Education is on hold and most likely wont be back LOL JOKES ON ME. Anyways, I’m taking it as a sign that I need to flee far and wide. However, teaching is definitely for me. It’s the one job that has felt most natural, at least most of it. The subject I’m teaching as well adds much joy to me. Its English Language Arts, my fave hobby! Writing and finding the meaning behind peoples stories n’ stuff. With that said, I have much to learn about the subject, teaching and myself. This is a journey I cannot wait to pursue - the only problem is where???? 

I also have a big week of stuff to do besides work and I could cry I am so happy to be doing stuff: tom = bday dinner, fri = bday / busy work day; sat = busy work morning / boston w squidy; sun = brunch / work 

hehehehh funnn ahead!!